Pre-session days I do lots of thinking, more so then usual about therapy. Tomorrow will be my first session in 2 weeks do to my T's surgery.

I've seen this T since July, since my improvement in my head seems to be great, tho my family is unsure, and moments in therapy stand out to disapoint me, I now have doubt.

Since therapy began, my T has been very gentle, and open, but during sessions if her phone rings she answers. I had a T before who was the same, but this T whom I adore more for reasons I'm skeptic of, answers because she has children, whom have babysitters, so she wnats to make sure everythings ok.

I want to add I've become attached and sexually attracted to my T, she knows this and I AM working very hard to put this past me and go on into the theraputic relationship again.

The last two sessions before her surgery stand out as terrible and saddening for me. The first one was very emotional, I had been told earlier in the day that I couldnt see my T anymore, I went berserk on my parents, I cried, threatened suicide ( in my head to self), I even had to call a hotline to talk tosomeone.

I ended up convincing my parents to let me go and see her 1 more time ( before the beginning of the year, thats when the insurance resets). They approved, I went in , in complete frantic, I said T....I can't see you any more...she said why? She went on to say she had known our insurance was not paying, and was letting me come anyhow...OMG I thought..this woman is amazing she cares!!!!!!!!!

Then her cell phone rang...it turned out to be ( after she got off she told me) it was her ex-husband im guessing? SHe "had" to talk to him about her children , they switch off and stuff.....she was on the phone longer then normal...I began crying I mean I felt so selfish ...I slapt my self ( in my head) becuaes for all I knew someone could have died!!!!

When she got off we spoke about it, I told her I felt unwanted..she said in the past a client quit therapy over her taking calls...I was no where near quiting..I care way to much about T to quit....
She told me she wouldnt count that on my session time...so she didnt count the time on the phone.....which was great....

Then my next visit.....

This was the big one...the last week to see T for 2 WHOLE weeks!!!!! Thats along time in my world....probably for you guys too.........

SHe opened the door as normal to invite me in...when she told me I'd have to wait...she had to go pick up her daughter and take her to the sitters.....my heart sank...in two ways...1. being that I was sad she left and I wouldnt get full time in session and 2. because I was mad and I was selfish I thought to myself " she has a life...her kids are important..im just a client...blah blah blah".

She came back..apologized and smiled and asked me whats up? I was very numb the whole session mostly beacuse I knew I wouldnt get to see her for 2 weeks and I was scared....and worried about her surgery........the session seemed sooooooo short.........I cried when I left to the car.......damning myself for being so quit and damning myself for being a selfish jerk only caring about me~!!!!!!!

In the end my therapy has been very confusing...I think of my T more so then my own mother, yet I have a attraction to her I shouldn't, as well as a fear of h er leaving me alone in the world.......PLease T...don't go...my words are my feelings....you know that won't always be...........

Dustin

[Izzyparker]

WOW Moonkin. Not knowing your t, I hate to make my own personal observations. And I don't mean to be hurtful. But your t seems very unprofessional and disrespectful. At a certain point, when you decide to go back to work, you have to make work a priority while you are on "work time" and get sitters and back-ups in place. Yes, emergencys are bound to occur. But this is a repeating pattern. This is normal operating procedures.

I'm a working mom. My t is a working mom. My t has only taken a phone call once in 4 years. And I have no idea "who" the caller was. Could have been a client. Whatever. It was an exception. I work very hard to keep my children out of my workplace. They know when they can call me and when they can't.

You may be able to find a therapist who you like AND respects the time you set aside for your therapy.

[jacq10]

((((((((((Dustin)))))))))
That must be very hard having to wait while she's on the phone - or especially if she has to leave! Can you talk to her about how that upsets you so?
I understand the whole thinking of T as more of a mother. Been there. And I wish i could say it gets easier ... but i really don't know any answers there yet .. i'm still looking. But i can tell you that even though there is pain because she will never fulfill the needs that you would want her to ... the important thing is that she is in your life. I have to keep telling myself that just because certain people aren't in my life as much as i'd like them to be, they came for a reason, and whatever that reason may be, just be thankful for it. Be thankful because its those sorts of relationships that help you grow, and discover yourself a little more. Even if it is a little painful at times...
Hang in there, and talk to your T about how your feelings .. after all, she is there to help, and you should take advantage of that while she is still a part of your life.
Take care
Hugs,
Jacq

[krazibean]

those feelings toward your T are completely normal. i have the same feelings (minus sexually attracted because we are both girls) and so do many other people in this forum. it's a common thing, and some say its a good thing because that means you are on your way to healing. i'm still as just as much wrapped up in the attachment feelings too, though. i had to go two whole weeks without my T, then when i was finally supposed to see her today she had to reschedule! i'm a little worried about how your T takes calls and leaves you? i mean, my T's phone rang before but she just silenced it and continued. i guess i can understand why yours would need to answer, but she shouldnt be on the phone for more than like 3 minutes? but its good she doesnt count it as session time. also, what is this about she had to leave to go pick up her daughter? why didn't she take care of that before? when she schedules appts she needs to make sure she can have that whole hour all devoted to just you. i can understand where you could feel upset, its not selfish, that is your time. let us know how it goes tomorrow

[pegasus]

Hello Moonkin

I am pleased for you that you are getting to see your T again and you sure have made great progress over the time I have known you.

I am concerned that your T is taking phone calls in the middle of a session, that is unprofessional and it's not something that YOU need to be feeling guilty or bad about.

I hope your session goes well tomorrow.

First, I would just like to say let's please take care in being gentle when discussing Dustin's T, as he is obviously feeling pretty vulnerable and sensitive as it is.

I agree that her phone calls during sessions should be very limited, if not completely done away with, unless of an emergency-- Dustin, that is not fair to you because it is your time with her. You are doing a hell of a lot of hard work in session and I would hate to see that focus disturbed. Maybe there is a way that you can approach this with her.

I am so happy to see that you can say that you have made progress. That is so important that you can recognize that.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope you have a wonderful session.

I must say I feel worse now then I did before making the post, mostly becuase I'm unsure to whether you guys are right , wrong, or clearly misunderstand, or none of the above. Its kind of like love, the type you have when your young, like a crush...you love this person secretly, never having them love you back.....I beg mercy for my T to care for me theraputicly...I'm unsure what to say anymore, I guess I shall weep in bed and pray for a better tomorrow......as life is always today for me.......

Dustin

[sunrise]

Dustin, I am sorry about the interruptions in your therapy due to your T taking those personal calls and leaving to transport her kids. I can understand that could be upsetting. I hope she can find a solution so as to minimize the interruptions. My T sometimes does things in session that might bug some people (like sometimes he eats or checks his email) but I am OK with these things. I love him, he can eat. Good luck tomorrow in your session.

[drummergrl]

Hey Dustin!!
Long time since you've emailed me. Forget me? Well, I've been busy anyway.
Dustin, I think that your T shouldn't take calls on YOUR time with her, unless it's an absolute emergency. They don't usually answer their phones when they are in session. It's very rude, and tends to agrivate some clients.
While she is with you she must remember it's YOUR TIME
and she doesn't need to be interupting it with her family hang-ups. She should insist upon not taking calls when she has a full work load of patients to see. I've never had one like that before. I'd get pretty pissed off myself....I wouldn't want to put up with that alot. But then, you can't do that to Bi-polar people as it could send them into a epidsode. I don't want to share my time with someone elses problematic lifestyle. That's her responsibiltiy.........
not yours!!!

If you get offended by this.........so be it, but I think you're doing yourself a great injustice making her your reason for getting up in the morning. She's not going to be in your life
for eternity Dustin........at some point you're going to have to pull back the reins and go find a life!!! About missing school? Well, if you had second thoughts about it after you
talked your mom into letting you skip, then it was the wrong
thing to do. You have to take a make-up exam now....and you need to do that ASAP. You don't want to come up short
for points to graduate. That would be awful!!!

Well, this is just my personal opinion. I know about these strong feelings for therapist, but then, I was only there once.
Stay strong, Dustin.

[mel4]

(((((((((((((((((((dustin))))))))))))))))

let us know how your session goes tommorow! hang in there, we all care!

melissa

Dustin,
Yep. That's what we are talking about Keep pushing forward! I know you can do this (((((((((((Dustin))))))))))))))

I just wanted to let you all know, that I had a appointment with my T yesterday. It went FANTASTIC!!!! All issues for the moment are clear, they are also very stable and honest. She did great in her surgery! She looks great! I'll try to keep you up to date more often.

Dustin

i'm so glad that things went well dustin!