Couch 184: Welcome to Zanzibar!

susannahsays · Dec 18, 2018, 08:37 PM

I don't like his email.

"And i appreciate that you have been sticking in there with Dr. T."

Apart from the annoying lack of capitalization of "I," this line stuck out as particularly patronizing. Your therapy attendance with Dr. T isn't something you are doing as a favor to him, and his appreciation of the fact is bizarre and irrelevant. That and his subsequent praise feel icky to me.

Dec 18, 2018, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Yep, I've noticed the same. And I even said to T yesterday that I didn't want ex-MC saying something conditional, like, "I'm sorry if you felt hurt." Where he takes no responsibility. We did have one session where ex-MC said that no one can be responsible for another person's feelings. And I said what if I'd said something really awful to H, and he said it was still on H, not me. (Or something like that.) Which I don't think is true. I mean, wouldn't that mean that, say, bullies have no responsibility? Yes, I'm partly responsible for my feelings, but if someone is awful to me, they can't be like, "Oh, but your feelings are all on you!"

He’s throwing in some DBT. (Which for the record-I am not a fan of) but in DBT-a feeling is just a feeling and a thought is just a thought. Our feelings are our own and nobody can make us feel a certain way. We have control over our feelings. We choose to feel what we feel. Ex Mc is using that method in his reply. I’m sorry you are hurt which basically means you are choosing to feel hurt and that’s not his issue. Pretty much is what his response says.

Dec 18, 2018, 08:43 PM

His email reply was covering his ***. I don’t like his email much at all.

atisketatasket · Dec 18, 2018, 08:46 PM

I have never understood that (DBT, now I’ve seen Jersey’s post) pov. I’m quite willing to say everyone is responsible for *managing* their own feelings, but the point of saying something awful to someone or bullying another kid is partly to make them feel awful, to control them.

So I don’t think MC is right.

Dec 18, 2018, 08:47 PM

I took something to help me sleep 15 minutes ago-so if I begin to sound loopy-that’s why.

Dec 18, 2018, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I have never understood that (DBT, now I’ve seen Jersey’s post) pov. I’m quite willing to say everyone is responsible for *managing* their own feelings, but the point of saying something awful to someone or bullying another kid is partly to make them feel awful, to control them.

Yes. Pretty much.

LonesomeTonight · Dec 18, 2018, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I don't like his email.

"And i appreciate that you have been sticking in there with Dr. T."

Apart from the annoying lack of capitalization of "I," this line stuck out as particularly patronizing. Your therapy attendance with Dr. T isn't something you are doing as a favor to him, and his appreciation of the fact is bizarre and irrelevant. That and his subsequent praise feel icky to me.

Oh, he's awful at grammar and stuff, which, as an editor, has always driven me nuts. There are so many errors on his profile on the practice website. And even in his email signature (he leaves a whole word out of the spelling out of HIPAA and does the common error of saying it's HIPPA. We told him about it years ago, but he didn't fix it). But anyway. Yeah, it bothered me what he said about current T. He's said something similar in another email or two I've sent him, that I should stick with it with T. Yeah, OK, he knows T and worked with him years ago. But shouldn't it be about who is right for me? If I stopped seeing T because it wasn't working out, and/or because he'd hurt me, that wouldn't necessarily be a failure, that would be me advocating for myself. Which I think is a positive thing. I guess he was maybe trying to find something to praise me for?

NP_Complete · Dec 18, 2018, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I have never understood that (DBT, now I’ve seen Jersey’s post) pov. I’m quite willing to say everyone is responsible for *managing* their own feelings, but the point of saying something awful to someone or bullying another kid is partly to make them feel awful, to control them.

I agree. Coming from an abusive relationship, this feels almost like victim blaming to me and something he would probably say to get me to believe whatever hurt I was feeling was my own fault. "You're too sensitive."

LonesomeTonight · Dec 18, 2018, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jersey 3

He’s throwing in some DBT. (Which for the record-I am not a fan of) but in DBT-a feeling is just a feeling and a thought is just a thought. Our feelings are our own and nobody can make us feel a certain way. We have control over our feelings. We choose to feel what we feel. Ex Mc is using that method in his reply. I’m sorry you are hurt which basically means you are choosing to feel hurt and that’s not his issue. Pretty much is what his response says.

Yes, exactly. He's putting it more on me as opposed to taking responsibility for it. I know maybe he's possibly worried that I'd file a complaint or possibly sue him, though when I mentioned that to T, he said ex-MC knew me well enough to think I wouldn't do that. But I hate that maybe it comes down more to cover your ***** as opposed to taking responsibility and making things right. He meant so much to me, this stuff means a lot more coming from him. I just don't know how to interpret the relationship anymore...

LonesomeTonight · Dec 18, 2018, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I agree. Coming from an abusive relationship, this feels almost like victim blaming to me and something he would probably say to get me to believe whatever hurt I was feeling was my own fault. "You're too sensitive."

Yes, and honestly, he did some stuff like that in our marriage counseling, too. Like suggesting that whatever H said/did was fine, but my anxiety led to me overreacting. Even when H punched a hole in the wall.

Yet...when ex-MC was talking just to me? Like on the phone, in the couple individual sessions, over email, etc., he was so caring and accepting. And normalizing. It was very confusing...

susannahsays · Dec 18, 2018, 08:58 PM

Idk, but whenever I say "I'm sorry you felt that way" or some ****, I'm definitely not giving a true apology and sometimes I'm also passive aggressively insinuating the other person is wrong for feeling the way they do. It has nothing to do with dbt, it's just something to say when you're forced to apologize but you can't bring yourself to outright lie.

DP_2017 · Dec 18, 2018, 08:58 PM

1 week until Christmas and it's also my first "session day" without T

susannahsays · Dec 18, 2018, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Oh, he's awful at grammar and stuff, which, as an editor, has always driven me nuts. There are so many errors on his profile on the practice website. And even in his email signature (he leaves a whole word out of the spelling out of HIPAA and does the common error of saying it's HIPPA. We told him about it years ago, but he didn't fix it). But anyway. Yeah, it bothered me what he said about current T. He's said something similar in another email or two I've sent him, that I should stick with it with T. Yeah, OK, he knows T and worked with him years ago. But shouldn't it be about who is right for me? If I stopped seeing T because it wasn't working out, and/or because he'd hurt me, that wouldn't necessarily be a failure, that would be me advocating for myself. Which I think is a positive thing. I guess he was maybe trying to find something to praise me for?

I think the interesting thing about that is he clearly still feels that he is godlike in your eyes and that his recommendation for what you should do is of any value whatsoever.

susannahsays · Dec 18, 2018, 09:02 PM

@DP Did you do anything special to distract yourself?

LonesomeTonight · Dec 18, 2018, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Idk, but whenever I say "I'm sorry you felt that way" or some ****, I'm definitely not giving a true apology and sometimes I'm also passive aggressively insinuating the other person is wrong for feeling the way they do. It has nothing to do with dbt, it's just something to say when you're forced to apologize but you can't bring yourself to outright lie.

Yes, exactly. And with his being a T, he has to know that. It's not like he's just bumbling an apology, he *knows* he's doing a non-apology. Which makes it worse.

DP_2017 · Dec 18, 2018, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

@DP Did you do anything special to distract yourself?

Worked my cashier job a good chunk of the day then took my brother to a movie. Now I'm puppy sitting for my mom. Still sad day though, Christmas in general is hard for me

LonesomeTonight · Dec 18, 2018, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I think the interesting thing about that is he clearly still feels that he is godlike in your eyes and that his recommendation for what you should do is of any value whatsoever.

Hm, that, too. I mean, shouldn't he trust in my ability to know what's best for me? I guess not, because *he* knows what's best for me...

LonesomeTonight · Dec 18, 2018, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Worked my cashier job a good chunk of the day then took my brother to a movie. Now I'm puppy sitting for my mom. Still sad day though, Christmas in general is hard for me

Hugs...good keeping busy though. Was it a good movie?

DP_2017 · Dec 18, 2018, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Hugs...good keeping busy though. Was it a good movie?

I saw "Ralph Breaks the Internet" It was decent but a scene at the end unexpectedly triggered me and I started crying

susannahsays · Dec 18, 2018, 09:17 PM

A puppy is good, though

susannahsays · Dec 18, 2018, 09:20 PM

I kind of wish Christmas was of over already, myself. I've been hit with an unexpected wave of grief over my dog who died earlier this year. I think it was buying all the presents for my current dog that did it. I kept thinking of things she would have liked.

And then her vet texted me today with a reminder that she's overdue for a visit. I really need to call them and let them know...

StressedMess · Dec 18, 2018, 09:23 PM

I have rescued my flying pig sock from the bowels of the dryer's blower motor. Cleaned a lot of lint out while I was in there. It's running again, which makes me extremely happy, as 7 am laundromat visits are no fun. Also the little has learned not to run the dryer without the lint trap ever again. Sometimes YouTube and a screwdriver are all I need!

susannahsays · Dec 18, 2018, 09:25 PM

Nice one! I like doing stuff myself, too.

DP_2017 · Dec 18, 2018, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I kind of wish Christmas was of over already, myself. I've been hit with an unexpected wave of grief over my dog who died earlier this year. I think it was buying all the presents for my current dog that did it. I kept thinking of things she would have liked.

And then her vet texted me today with a reminder that she's overdue for a visit. I really need to call them and let them know...

Sounds like what I went through last Xmas with my dog's death. This year, it's been somewhat easier but I still can't deal with the toys. I went to a store and saw something he'd love and started to tear up and had to leave.

I had the vet reminder issue too, he apologized when I let him know the emails were still coming. Sorry you are struggling, It's hard for sure