T is pregnant

I wrote another email. I'm afraid to post it. I just don't think anyone is understanding what I'm feeling. I'm in so much emotional pain when I think about this. Last email I wrote, I only meant to say that I felt like she was abandoning me. This email I only meant to say how will I know if/when she's coming back. And instead in both emails, I emotionally vomited.

I don't think I can face her again. It's just too much pain. And why delay the inevitable? She's leaving no matter what I say or do.

I'm just besides myself. I'm crying so much, I caused a headache. I just can't do this.

Scarlet, Reddit R/psychotherapy has a few threads with the T's discussing being pregnant from the opposite view. I really feel for you. It is ridiculously unfair that while you are struggling to get pregnant your T is leaving you bc she is pregnant. I lost a pregnancy very late( and don't have children), and My T's decision to have a huge picture of his late-in-life kids right in my line of vision has caused me so much turmoil- I feel he is insensitive or even bragging in my worst moments. I really don't think I could handle this situation as well as you are. She is going to go through a big inward process and time in her life the is about her family. However, there is a good chance she will miss work and come back ( my psychologist friend found she was antsy to get back to her clients after having both her first and second babies). It isn't personal to you, but that is kind of the problem with therapy. It feels exquisitely personal until the T's needs crash into the patient's needs. Then it comes clear that yes T cares, but yes we are their work.

Must be hard to feel that way. Have you thought what is it that your T could actually do to make you feel better? Something that is realistic and possible (asking her to work on her leave is not)? She obviously heard you and reassured you the way you wanted, you seemed so happy after she answered, but it didn't last very long before you were angry again. Maybe there really is nothing that can be handed to you that makes a difference? Is it possible you try to use the skills you have learned in therapy and sit with the uncomfortable feelings for a bit? And show a little trust things will work out. You'll have another session very soon where you can address your worries again.

These are excellent suggestions, and it reminded me of when you were going through the loss of your last T. I wonder if it would be helpful for you to look back at your former posts on this board as you were going through that, to see the way you coped with that loss, how you flourished afterwards.

I am aware of the concept that some folks just want empathic responses and no "fix it" suggestions or advice. Sometimes advice just feels hostile or like criticism. But I think I understand what it's like to be overwhelmed by grief and the potential for loss, and it is so very, very hard. I wish you weren't going through this, and the timing of it is absolutely the worst.

I recall when my H was dying and I had so many worries on my mind, I'd ask T, "is it all going to be okay?" And he would say, kindly, "I don't know." Sometimes I'd be furious that he couldn't "lie" and tell me it would be okay, I insisted this is what he should do, but now I see he promoted a sense of my own empowerment, that only I could decide if it was going to be okay, and only I could in fact make it okay. Sometimes he would say, "I think so. You are dealing with what's coming down the road" or he would say "You have survived worse" (that one could sting as it was a reminder of my CSA)." Other times he would remind me that I'd coped in the past with X and maybe X would be helpful now.

I hope for you that you can take some of your own reassurance from the fact that you have been through this before, and it was okay. At least that's my take on it. I am sorry for what you are going through, and I hope something I said may have helped a bit, or at least that you know I tried.

I get it--I haven't heard the term "future tripping," but I do something similar. I was talking to T about this recently, where I tend to focus on the past or the future, but not the present. He said it's an anxiety thing.

As for wanting to know if something happens to your T, have you ever asked if she has a notification plan in place, if that should happen? I asked my T about it once, and he said that all therapists should have a plan. His was that his wife would notify his clients, but of course then I thought "But what if something happens to both of them at once?" (I didn't ask that.)

My T has told me "I'm not going anywhere," like he's not going to bail on me because I'm too much or because I opt to see another T for a bit. At some point recently, I mentioned my fears that he'd decide to focus solely on sports psychology, or decide he wants a job in another field, or that he or his wife would get some job across the country and they'd move. And he said "those things could happen. Or I could get hit by a bus tomorrow." (Though he did say he had no intention of moving.) And part of me was upset that he wouldn't reassure me that those things wouldn't happen (I mean, obviously, he can't know about the bus). At the same time, as I thought about it more, it's better in a way that he's not promising something that he might not be able to deliver on. Because who knows what he might decide to do, say, 5 years from now? And I think it would hurt me much more if he promised something then changed plans. And I need to learn to live with uncertainty in general. Anxiety makes me want to be able to control everything, but in reality, I can't.

Also, if you want to share your second email to your T, feel free to PM me. I've sent all kinds of stuff to ex-MC and current T, so I can't really judge it.

I do this "future tripping" though like LT, I'd never heard it called that. For the first several separations with my T, I would freak out because what if something happened to her, who would take care of me, how would I know, how would I be able to say good bye. And so on.

We did eventually talk about it in detail in terms of what would be my ideal if something did happen to her. I think it was helpful. She reassured me that this was the life she wants to have. I believe that is the most honest way she can reassure me. We both acknowledge that we do not control the world around us and so many things can go differently than planned/hoped for either of us.

Would it be helpful to hear your T say something like this is the life she wants to have? I also think it might be useful to know what her contact plan is if something does happen - not just once she takes leave but if something comes up during the pregnancy and she has to leave sooner than expected. BTW - my T never shared the specifics of her plan, she did challenge me with the idea/concept if I thought she'd be the type of person that would not have such a plan in place. This was after the 3-4th time through this cycle for us so she knew fairly well the level of stress this put on me.

I agree given everything, some shared visits and starting to see someone else sooner rather than later might help as a hand off type of deal.

Feel free to PM me anything you are unsure about sharing in public.

I'll go ahead and post my email. I always send it, just most of the time I review it and tweak it. T already responded. I'll post that too. Just know I was really emotional. And be easy on your opinion, please!

Your email just seemed really honest. And your T seemed really understanding in her reply. I also think you should go Thursday and talk about it.

It's hard to be a "lawyer" to my thoughts when I'm so emotional. I have plenty of evidence against her. But I do have evidence for her. I just wish she would reassure me. Maybe she will on Thursday? She said she would in the other email. I know she doesn't like responding in emails. And my T does tell me that everything will be okay. She's always been right so far. But she hasn't said that about this situation.

My H actually told me last night that I'm as emotional as a was when ex-T left me. One, I'm grieving. Two, I really do feel like she's going to abandon me. She's going to do it the "ethical" way, but she is still going to leave me.

I agree with our husband; you are every bit as emotional as you were with your ex-T. You really need to slow yourself down. Your T has reassured you that you will discuss this in your session Thursday. WAIT for Thursday. You are feeding your anxiety with these emails rather than using your skills to stop and sit with your emotions for a couple of days. Your reactions and posts right now feel very "young" - maybe teenaged - in that you seem to be feeding the anxiety and playing into it instead of slowing yourself down and waiting for the adult part of you to talk to the adult therapist and adult your way through the logistics of your therapist's future maternity leave.

Your therapist has been trying to get you to use the skills she has worked with you on. Go back and look at how many times she has reminded you of those skills in the last few days. This is exactly the kind of situation that those skills are needed for; it's time to put them to use. That is what you therapist is telling you. She isn't abandoning you; she's trying to get you to use what she has walked you through these last several years. This is maternity leave, not abandonment. That is the "lawyering" of your thoughts you need to be working with. Maternity leave is a pretty normal scenario for married females of childbearing age; this isn't something she failed to prepare your for. This is a common adult situation that adults deal with. It isn't fatal. It isn't abandonment. It isn't a ploy to leave you. Your T is simply having a baby. Women return from maternity leave quite regularly. You have choices about how you think about this; that is what you therapist is reminding you of. Choose differently right now because what you are choosing to do isn't working to calm your anxiety down.

I know it is all easy to say and much harder to do. I don't say any of the above as criticism; I say it as someone who cares about you and has seen you down this road before. This T has been good for you, but NOW is the time to utilize all that wisdom and strength you had built up in the last few years. Instead, you seem to be throwing all that work out the window. Don't do that, Scarlett. I KNOW you can do this because you are a strong woman and you have been through much worse. This isn't happening immediately. It isn't a "I walked into the ex-T's office and she immediately terminated me" scenario. This isn't that. This is a completely different, completely normal, completely reasonable, completely survivable interruption of services due to a woman's maternity leave.

There is no amount of reassurance which will satiate you. There is no magical combination of words which your therapist can say which will soothe you. You will continue to torture yourself if you look for external validation.

I am also very interested in the fact that you have asked to see a picture of the baby and that your therapist has agreed to this. You don't have a relationship with the baby and the baby will be an independent person, not merely an extension of your therapist. It seems an intrusive and inappropriate request to me. The therapeutic work is surely why you want to see the infant and why you think it is appropriate to ask, not in the actual access to the child's image.

I used to look up T, but we made a deal and I don't do that anymore. Haven't done it in a long time. I askes her if I could see a picture since I can't look her up anymore, and she said yes. There doesn't need to be a discussion.

There always needs to be a discussion! Discussions are where you dig up the dirt. Unless you mean there doesn't need to be a discussion on here with me. I mean, that's true, but then why post? People are strange.

I'm tired of fighting to be strong. I've been hit with so many things in my life. And right now, there's too much uncertainty of the future and it not just with T.

I'm actually glad you noticed my tone in the letter. I often feel like a child when I'm really emotional. I think it's the BPD. I just haven't matured emotionally. But you're also right, that when I can stay logical, I tend to be in an adult mind. I always wondered if my T notices the change.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know I can survive this even if T abandons me. I have survived with nothing and no one when I was homeless. I have survived ex-T abandoning me.

It just hurts.

I also want to add that I haven't cut through all of this. I haven't had to call T. And I have finally taken a bath, cleaned my sheets, and put on clean clothes.

Also to add: please remember that I'm in a depressive state atm. I'm still upping my meds. And speaking of meds, I haven't drugged myself (i.e. taken a benzo) for a few days now. I am trying my best. I swear. I just have moments of breakdown especially at night.

I couldn't give a hooty-rooty-mctooty whether you are trying your best or not. I mean, good for you that you aren't self-harming and are attending to your basic needs, but it makes no difference to me. I think it's fine to fail at being your best self, or to not even have a best self. I am interested in how assertively you can express your wants to your therapist because I fail at it repeatedly. That was it really, teenybash mcbasherville.

I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not to go on Thursday. My T has a 24hr cancellation policy, so I have to decide by tomorrow.

Pro's:
1. Maybe get some reassurance
2. Get to process some
3. Get some understanding/answers
4. I usually love being with my T

Cons:
1. I'm going to probably be a blubbering mess.
2. My worst fears could come true
3. She could be mad at me
4. She might not be empathetic
5. I might hurt more afterwards

Eta:I think my answer is to go. However, part of me wants to test her...see how she reacts. If she reacts positive, I'll see her. If she's mean or dismissive, then I don't see her. Again, I think I have my answer. I need to tell her that I want to test her. Sometimes I hate being so honest...

Yes, go. Don’t play games.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with this. Abandonment fears are the absolute worst, especially when they spring up on you like this. I really think you should go to your appointment. IMO, playing games and "testing" her won't get you very far. I don't think T's are meant to chase after clients if they decide not to show up. Didn't she ask you in her previous reply to let her know if you are intending not to go?

Also, I don't know you or your T, but from the replies that you have posted, she hasn't been "mean" or "dismissive" at all, on the contrary. And I'm happy that you can be this open with her over email. IMO, she already gave you a lot of reassurance so I think that going to your appointment will just build on that and you will leave feeling a lot more positive. I also think that it's important to talk through all of this face to face.

Your T deciding to have a baby is in no way an attempt on her part to "get rid of you" or abandon you. And I know that you know this on an intellectual level. I too, struggle to see things for what they are when I'm feeling vulnerable and emotional. But I really think that this appointment will be a chance for you to work through this stuff and start seeing things a little less negatively.

I wish you all the best!

I sent her an email telling her that I would go and telling her how I felt.

I think it's great you are going to your session and I suspect it will be a good one.

I am also glad you are going to your session. It is hard to go and face feelings, but the feeling of not going is way worse.

Im glad you are going to your session on Thursday hugs

Here's how T responded: