[SheHulk07]

I'm not sure whether to trigger this or not, but I will some of it because it relates to SA and memories. My T and I have talked about sex the last three sessions but on a very surface level. And I would like suggestions on how to allow myself to open up more and talk about what's really bothering me.

Possible trigger:

For instance I told T on Wednesday about what my husband did. We talked about how I don't like sex, I don't want to be touched, kissed, nothing. I've told him I've been held down before. We talk about how H should masturbate but he doesn't because his view on God and touching yourself. We've never approached the subject about whether or not I do, besides today he joked that if I came to session telling him about my favorite vibrator, he'd question that if it's all I spoke about. I told him the very minimum of past sexual encounters and how I view them as SA now. In session today I told him I had a "bodily memory" of the SA and it freaks me out when I have these episodes or whatever you call it. I've told him I want to cut off my body parts or do something to make sex impossible.
In no way is T pressuring me to talk about all of this, but I want to talk and share it because it's upsetting me so much. He encourages me to talk about whatever is on my mind, and knows there's deeper issues that I haven't shared. He's psychoanalytical if that makes a difference, and I'm not interested in finding a new T. However, when I'm in session I shut myself off after a sentence or two and won't allow myself to push past it because this stuff is embarrassing, awkward, uncomfortable, shameful, etc. It's stuff I've never shared with anyone in depth.
How do I let this stuff out in session because it's eating me alive. I feel so alone and crazy with all of this.

Do you talk about sex with your T and if you don't mind sharing, can you tell me if you share graphic stuff or just the basic? Any advice on how to push past this?

Sorry this is so long...

[DP_2017]

I don't have a T anymore but I did have a male one and I thought this would be hella hard and awkward but he was so good with it, it was not bad.

I don't have sexual experience, but that's a whole issue in itself and I had a long struggle with something related to sex that was basically an addiction and we did get graphic but I wrote it out. I had him read it, then we talked about it from there

So maybe write stuff out... and remember to pace yourself. It's ok if it takes a long time. I am glad you are bold enough to talk about it with him though.

[unaluna]

Did you get pushed into getting married and having children, like when you were too young? Because i dont understand how you find yourself in the position you are in. Maybe that would be a good place to start. But to directly answer your question, yes, i have always been pretty open factually with my ts about sex.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Did you get pushed into getting married and having children, like when you were too young? Because i dont understand how you find yourself in the position you are in. Maybe that would be a good place to start. But to directly answer your question, yes, i have always been pretty open factually with my ts about sex.

No, I had my first kid at 21 and was engaged to my husband at the time. That's not related to the sex stuff I'm referring to, so I'm not sure what you mean by asking how I got myself in the position I'm in. Can you explain please because I'm confused.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SheHulk07

No, I had my first kid at 21 and was engaged to my husband at the time. That's not related to the sex stuff I'm referring to, so I'm not sure what you mean by asking how I got myself in the position I'm in. Can you explain please because I'm confused.

Not wanting sex but living with a man who does?

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Not wanting sex but living with a man who does?

Oh okay, I get it. I used to like sex when we first got together, until probably after my 2nd kid was born. I also have endometriosis that causes sex to be painful and has gotten worse over the years. But the bigger issue is the SA from my H which stsrted about 3 years ago.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by SheHulk07

Oh okay, I get it. I used to like sex when we first got together, until probably after my 2nd kid was born. I also have endometriosis that causes sex to be painful and has gotten worse over the years. But the bigger issue is the SA from my H which stsrted about 3 years ago.

So he wont masturbates but SA is ok? That must be so tought for you. It is definitely a topic for discussion and it sounds like you have opened the door with the surface stuff , that's a big step. Maybe try talking around it some more and just starting. Maybe write a few things down and read them or have t read them

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I don't have a T anymore but I did have a male one and I thought this would be hella hard and awkward but he was so good with it, it was not bad.

I don't have sexual experience, but that's a whole issue in itself and I had a long struggle with something related to sex that was basically an addiction and we did get graphic but I wrote it out. I had him read it, then we talked about it from there

So maybe write stuff out... and remember to pace yourself. It's ok if it takes a long time. I am glad you are bold enough to talk about it with him though.

I think I need to remind myself of that, that it's okay if it takes long. I like the suggestion of writing it down and then discussing it.

[healed84]

Just because he is your husband doesn’t mean that it is not rape. Which is prosecutable by law, you know because it’s a crime to rape anybody including your spouse. My guess is your issues with sex (other than the endo stuff) aren’t going to go away with just talking to t about them. You need to be able to feel safe in your own house, and not fear that your husband is going to force himself on you at anytime.

But to answer more directly your question, perhaps there are things that you want to talk about but can’t.. you could maybe write out and have t read, or send an email? That way t reads it and he can start talking about it. My t always encouraged me when I was taking about how I was triggered during sex, to talk without giving all the gritty details. For instance, instead of explaining exactly what was going on.. I could just say, it was something he said during, or the way he touched me. I found over time it became easier, really because of the nature of the abuse sometimes you just can’t avoid talking the details. Just be sure you and t work on grounding techniques, plans for when you are triggered both in and out of session.

But again I repeat.. please find away to make sure you can fee safe in your own home.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by healed84

Just because he is your husband doesn’t mean that it is not rape. Which is prosecutable by law, you know because it’s a crime to rape anybody including your spouse. My guess is your issues with sex (other than the endo stuff) aren’t going to go away with just talking to t about them. You need to be able to feel safe in your own house, and not fear that your husband is going to force himself on you at anytime.

But to answer more directly your question, perhaps there are things that you want to talk about but can’t.. you could maybe write out and have t read, or send an email? That way t reads it and he can start talking about it. My t always encouraged me when I was taking about how I was triggered during sex, to talk without giving all the gritty details. For instance, instead of explaining exactly what was going on.. I could just say, it was something he said during, or the way he touched me. I found over time it became easier, really because of the nature of the abuse sometimes you just can’t avoid talking the details. Just be sure you and t work on grounding techniques, plans for when you are triggered both in and out of session.

But again I repeat.. please find away to make sure you can fee safe in your own home.

Thank you for your response. What you said about talking about it isn't going to make it all go away is what I told my T is part of my hesitation. I know it's not going to solve the bigger issue, so why talk about it?
It's a catch 22 with me because I dwell on it and need a safe outlet to be able to get it out and not be judged. Just to be heard and feel like I'm not crazy and these thoughts I'm having are okay. My T has been doing a good job so far of doing that with what I've shared so far.

[InnerPeace111]

Someone once said the following words and these words have comforted and helped me tremendously over the years: “There is nothing in this world that cannot be healed when talked about in a space of no judgement and with an empathetic listening ear.”

I like the idea of writing down your story on paper and then sharing it with your T. You might choose to share and discuss only one or two sentences each week over a longer period of time. This way might allow for a greater feeling of control on your part. It would also allow time for processing in small chunks. In addition, it would allow you time to rewrite parts of your story - if you wish - based on what was discussed in each session. I am a believer in taking baby steps and in writing things down — get it out of your head and onto the paper. Give those thoughts a place to “land” so to speak and see how that changes things. Be compassionate and kind to yourself as you write your story. After all, you’re only human.

I wish you all the best!

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Yes, I've talked about sex with my T multiple times. I shared details as much as necessary, so sometimes it was a bit graphic, but not over the top detailed. I have one flashback with body memories of SA. I've discussed what that flashback feels like. I've discussed issues I have during sex and why those happen. We've talked about sexual experiences I had when I was young in some detail as well.
I've never talked like this with other people either, except for my partner.

As for advice on how to talk about it: 1) I think it helps to remember that my T is an adult, has kids and has (most probably) had sex. 2) He has never made it akward or even reacted to it differently than if it were another topic. Since he is relaxed and not ashamed discussing it, I feel I don't have to be either. For some reason it also helps that he's a guy.

I think as others have suggested maybe writing things down helps. When I struggle discussing something, I often also like to just say 'I'd like to share something but struggle with it'. Then we usually discuss why I find it hard and after a while of that I manage to share whatever I struggled with before.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Not wanting sex but living with a man who does?

This is a pretty standard experience for heterosexual women, especially when you consider a woman's sexual trauma history. And by standard, I don't mean acceptable, I mean frighteningly common as an indication of how widespread the sexual abuse of women is.

I find it useful to keep hold of the distinction between sex and sexual abuse. For me, sex is loving or intimate (as difficult as that might be to create); if an act which involves intimate touching is not loving or enjoyable then it is not sex. Sexual abuse is violence. So the question for me would be; am I comfortable speaking to my therapist about acts of violence which I have experienced?

(Of course, there is the horrible contamination of sex which can occur if you have a sexual trauma history (flashbacks, body memories etc), so the distinction between sex and violence is not always very tidy).

[Anne2.0]

I have been graphic about the SA in my past, and also pretty graphic about consensual sex itself, especially when the two things were messing about the same space in my head.

Have you been diagnosed with dyspareunia? Or pelvic floor dysfunction? If so, pelvic floor therapy, a very intimate kind of physical therapy, might help. See this article for more explanation: I Needed Physical Therapy To Fix My "Broken" Vagina - Vaginal Physical Therapy

I did this for 9 months after a minor surgery messed up my cr*tch nerves. It was more successful than she describes in the article. My therapist also recommended a medical product that helped a lot and "exercised" my vag. Somehow coming to see it as both a muscle and an object of pleasure was really helpful to me too. The physical therapy helped me get more in touch with my body and my pelvic floor and how one thing related to another.

Another thing that really helped me was the Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz:
https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&ke...l_7ay8051wuv_e

My advice is to keep talking about it with your T. I would bring in the Maltz book to therapy as I think it had exercises or suggestions and we'd talk about what to do when I felt like __ or I'd think about trying __ and it was helpful to talk about it. I did this both with a female T in my earlier round of therapy and my T now, who's a guy. I was surprised, but it didn't feel much different.

Diana Russell's Rape in Marriage, published in 1982, is a classic in the field. I suggest purchasing a copy (available for around $5 used at Amazon) and putting it on your bookshelf. https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Marriage.../dp/0253205638

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I have been graphic about the SA in my past, and also pretty graphic about consensual sex itself, especially when the two things were messing about the same space in my head.

Have you been diagnosed with dyspareunia? Or pelvic floor dysfunction? If so, pelvic floor therapy, a very intimate kind of physical therapy, might help. See this article for more explanation: I Needed Physical Therapy To Fix My "Broken" Vagina - Vaginal Physical Therapy

I did this for 9 months after a minor surgery messed up my cr*tch nerves. It was more successful than she describes in the article. My therapist also recommended a medical product that helped a lot and "exercised" my vag. Somehow coming to see it as both a muscle and an object of pleasure was really helpful to me too. The physical therapy helped me get more in touch with my body and my pelvic floor and how one thing related to another.

Another thing that really helped me was the Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz:
https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&ke...l_7ay8051wuv_e

My advice is to keep talking about it with your T. I would bring in the Maltz book to therapy as I think it had exercises or suggestions and we'd talk about what to do when I felt like __ or I'd think about trying __ and it was helpful to talk about it. I did this both with a female T in my earlier round of therapy and my T now, who's a guy. I was surprised, but it didn't feel much different.

Diana Russell's Rape in Marriage, published in 1982, is a classic in the field. I suggest purchasing a copy (available for around $5 used at Amazon) and putting it on your bookshelf. https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Marriage.../dp/0253205638

Given that you are not in a safe environment and are in an actively abusive relationship, I would be very careful about bringing resources into the shared home where the perpetrator might discover them. Would it be an option to leave resources in your therapist's space or at another supporter's house?

I also want to add that I find some of the "healing" talk quite alienating. There is sometimes a steer towards becoming "functional" and sexual again, but it's worth remembering that this is not the gold-star state of recovery. Being non-sexual and excluding intimate touch from your life is a valid choice if you are happy, safe and accepting of it.

[Lemoncake]

Personally this is my achilles heel. It brings up huge amounts of shame for me, as does talking about periods, I generally try to avoid it but emailing stuff so I don't have to see his reaction straight away helps.

[LonesomeTonight]

I've been able to talk about sexual issues and topics with my T, even though I had lots of trouble doing so with ex-T and ex-MC. I think it's because he's very matter-of-fact about it and talks about it just like it's any other topic. Like he can just say stuff like "masturbation" without batting an eye, where I tend to use euphemisms for things. (Though I did manage to actually say that word to him recently.) It took some time for me to get to that place, but I was also able to tell him something related to sex that caused me a lot of shame--his accepting and nonshaming reaction to that led me to feel much more comfortable bringing up other sexual issues. I did email him the night after bringing that one topic up to get reassurance that he didn't think negatively of me, and he gave me that reassurance.

I agree with the suggestions to write things down or email if you have trouble talking about them. I recall someone else doing something where they had a drawing of the human body and just circled or pointed to where something happened.

[peacelizard]

I'm a male and have a male therapist and have only talked about sex super briefly and I can only imagine it being super awkward

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I have been graphic about the SA in my past, and also pretty graphic about consensual sex itself, especially when the two things were messing about the same space in my head.

Have you been diagnosed with dyspareunia? Or pelvic floor dysfunction? If so, pelvic floor therapy, a very intimate kind of physical therapy, might help. See this article for more explanation: I Needed Physical Therapy To Fix My "Broken" Vagina - Vaginal Physical Therapy

I did this for 9 months after a minor surgery messed up my cr*tch nerves. It was more successful than she describes in the article. My therapist also recommended a medical product that helped a lot and "exercised" my vag. Somehow coming to see it as both a muscle and an object of pleasure was really helpful to me too. The physical therapy helped me get more in touch with my body and my pelvic floor and how one thing related to another.

Another thing that really helped me was the Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz:
https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&ke...l_7ay8051wuv_e

My advice is to keep talking about it with your T. I would bring in the Maltz book to therapy as I think it had exercises or suggestions and we'd talk about what to do when I felt like __ or I'd think about trying __ and it was helpful to talk about it. I did this both with a female T in my earlier round of therapy and my T now, who's a guy. I was surprised, but it didn't feel much different.

Diana Russell's Rape in Marriage, published in 1982, is a classic in the field. I suggest purchasing a copy (available for around $5 used at Amazon) and putting it on your bookshelf. https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Marriage.../dp/0253205638

Thank you, but I'm not interested in pelvic floor therapy or anything like that. I don't have any of those disorders, just endometriosis.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by SorryOozit

Given that you are not in a safe environment and are in an actively abusive relationship, I would be very careful about bringing resources into the shared home where the perpetrator might discover them. Would it be an option to leave resources in your therapist's space or at another supporter's house?

I also want to add that I find some of the "healing" talk quite alienating. There is sometimes a steer towards becoming "functional" and sexual again, but it's worth remembering that this is not the gold-star state of recovery. Being non-sexual and excluding intimate touch from your life is a valid choice if you are happy, safe and accepting of it.

Thank you. Right now I'm okay with the thought of ever being physical again. I don't want to get back to liking sex or any of that. I just want to be in a place where I can talk openly about what things happen.

Possible trigger:

Like sometimes it feels like he's grabbing my ankle when he's not touching me at all. Or feeling "turned on" at random moments but I'm not emotionally turned on and I absolutely hate that feeling. Or if he shushes the baby, it upsets me because he's done it to me during sex.

It's disturbing, graphic uncomfortable stuff that I want to be able to talk about.

[Rive.]

Can you ask T to help you talk about any uncomfortable topic(s).

As in, telling T: "I would like to talk about X but am struggling with it. Can you help me?"

And maybe suggesting anything that might help you: would you like T to ask you questions (gently not as an interrogation) to help you get started? Would it help to be general? Or to share details? Etc.

Originally Posted by peacelizard

I'm a male and have a male therapist and have only talked about sex super briefly and I can only imagine it being super awkward

I don't think that men talking to other men about sex is relevant in the instance described by OP.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Originally Posted by SorryOozit

I don't think that men talking to other men about sex is relevant in the instance described by OP.

OP asked whether others have talked about sex with their T. Gender does not matter in answering that question, though it is useful to some people to know the genders of the people involved.

[Elio]

To answer the original question, we have talked about sex at a fairly light level except one time. That time I had written about something that I considered graphic. I know that it wasn't that graphic in general sense. I was 100x more graphic than what I had been in the past. At some point, I suspect we will need to talk about it in a more graphic nature given my issues around it. btw, I do not have SA in my past.