Couch 188: Who needs those people, anyway?

I fired my t at the height of a recent anxiety bought. Starting to think that was a bad idea. I hate anxiety so much!!

Typically no but he's always replied in the past even without questions. He always says to email whenever

64 is YOUNG. For a t.

Oh stop it! Next time you see him, just mention it. Either he read it or he didnt. It wasnt a test. You reached out. You just leave that open. There isnt a time limit to that between friends. Thats how it works.

We aren't friends so.....and we've been thinking about switching vets anyway. He's been differently lately. Too obsessed with money and not the dogs

Ugh, getting a migraine. I turned off the lights in the office. But my head hurts. Kit

Yeah he is pretty fit and active. He does yoga and walks and stuff. He did once say he wants to work on this stuff with me "however long it takes" but I try not to hear that as a promise.

I took off my shoes in session today for the first time (with this T at least--maybe did once with ex-T) because I had rainboots on and they were uncomfortable. It was nice to be able to sit with my feet under me on the couch--felt more relaxed. So maybe I need to do that again in the future. What's funny is what I realized when I got home and took off my boots. T was wearing his black socks with pink cat faces today. And what was I wearing? Black Puma brand socks with a pink puma logo on them. So we matched! Wonder if he noticed? He did comment on my floral rain boots matching some floral stripes on my shirt--I said was unintentional, that I usually try to avoid the matchy-matchy thing.

LT

I did it a few times with my winter boots, because we always walked at start of session so they would be icky when we got back, he never did though. I always felt kinda bad letting my boots be all wet and soak into his rug. He didn't care though, ya it is comfortable but for me generally, I never wear shoes unless I'm out in public, I'm always in socks.

Next Sunday I am gonna paint with an old friend. I used to paint often but my friend who is a painter closed her business 4 years ago and I stopped, and we didn't talk really, we were fb friends but never really did anything or whatever. So I haven't painted or had much convo with her in 4 years, I am excited, because it was so relaxing, and I can paint a memorial to my dog. I'm trying to think of a cool idea for a picture.

Today has so far been pretty ****. I just got home from seeing my PA at student health. I spent the whole time there crying. I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years, no make that decades. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Why was I crying this time, you ask? Well, I knew it was a bad idea to know my weight, but I accidentally on purpose looked anyway. It was a spur of the moment thing. I didn't even make it to the examination room before I had dissolved in tears. There was no hiding it. The nurse said something and I said I was sorry, but I was really upset. Then I asked what she had said, and she asked if I was ok. I said I was fine as I continued to cry like a lunatic. She asked if it had to do with why I was there or if it was something else. I explained about the stupid medication and the weight gain.



I was hoping the nurse would warn my PA that I was a blubbering mess, but she didn't. So that was fun. And my PA wasn't happy with me because I was supposed to go back and get my levels checked awhile ago... and didn't. And there wasn't time to look at my shoulders, which are killing me.

Anyway, I didn't stop crying at any point. Not on the walk to the lab to get my blood drawn, not at the pharmacy when I paid, not on the way to my car. In fact, I'm still crying. Everyone must have thought I got diagnosed with cancer or was pregnant or something. How am I supposed to lose weight if I'm hypothyroid because I'm not taking enough hormone because I've gained so much and I also can't move without pain? PA asked if I wanted to meet with dietician since I was so upset about the weight thing, and I said I would think about it. But I don't think it's a good idea because I'm so easily triggered into restricting. And I'm already super triggered. And whenever I've worked with a dietician, they don't understand that my body is ****ed up and I will actually gain weight with what they think is reasonable.

I feel so hopeless.

That sounds nice, DP_2017

Uggh I am in respond to my super vulnerable email already will you, shading into I've finally pushed him over the edge and he's taking time to figure out how to break it to me shading into why do I do this to my self, shading into I hate my mind and want to disappear.

Castastrophisng, black and white thinking, fast spiral down at its best. But awareness does not stop it. What a pain!! It's time for bed here now so maybe tomorrow is another day cause I am heartily sick of this one.

I think I am ready to admit to my t that my childhood was abusive and neglectful. Why has it taken me 8 years to admit this, is it because I won’t talk about it? I couldn’t see the point before I just thought that is how things were

BCM

Idk, I never discuss my past in detail, period. I have blocked out most everything in my mind too.... when T tried to bring it up, I'd shut down. I could totally see myself in your shoes if I was still in therapy BUT it's good you are finally ready, that's huge

OMG has anyone seen the series UK series Hangs Up? I will see if there something on you tube but there is a scene in the hospital where a sister comes out of a coma and as a kid the sister used to tell the other sisters that their parents were dead and stuff and take it to the nth degree and then. Laugh.There is scene in the hospital where the mean sister is faking a seizure after coming out of a coma, this is what my ex used to do, he was so convincing at acting like he was having a heart attack and then just as a I was ringing the ambulance he would laugh and say “got ya”
Found the link fast forward to around the 1:50 mark

Thanks we had a bit of a to do last session because he said I never tell him anything but I have told him lots of things but I can never elaborate on them, hopefully I can

Sorry. I found that bit very triggering.

It will help you to grieve properly. It will drain your sorrow.

Thanks ce. I think that’s what my t has been trying to tell me but I didn’t want to hear.

Talked to a guy from a uni in NY. He was a total jerk. Guess I didn't want to go to that uni. All I wanted was more info on the uni, not his assessment of my life history! Grrr. I've been irritable since I hung up the phone with him. Kit

Maybe it was a good thing and a good time to try some new ones.

Yeah... L frequently said she wants to still be sitting in that chair when she's 100. She'll be 69 this year...

I'd hate to still be alive at 100, let alone still working...

I took the night off from studying last night and went to bed at like 8pm and slept like a rock. It was much needed! Was back at my work computer at 5am as usual this morning! My paychecks have been so nice. They're starting to ease up on the overtime requirements now. I don't have to work at all this weekend - but I probably will do 4 hours on Sunday anyway just because - I like the paychecks with overtime on them. And 4 hours feels like nothing compared to 10 or 12 like we've been doing!!

H found ground beef on sale last night for 99 cents a lb and bought a big ol' hunk of it so I just put a meatloaf in the oven for him. I don't eat it, but I love making it, so he wins. haha.