Couch 188: Who needs those people, anyway?

This topic triggered a memory: an older friend of mine used to say, "I love soup dujour," and then he'd laugh at his so-called joke.

But of course! The French zoup is always the tastier!

May Oui!

i've been crying on and off since friday. i officially stopped my meds last thursday. there is no way this is related, right? i really hope not, bc i don't want to be on stupid meds.

Yeah, it's most likely related, but it could be temporary. I start weeping nonstop if I miss a dose or two of my AD, but my pdoc says that's more from withdrawal than because my depression is immediately responding to the lack of medication. Did you consult with your prescriber and titrate down to make stopping easier?

I love my T! She reassured me today that she's not planning on leaving me and will be back after her leave. She said that whether or not I can afford her, we move to another state, or I'm just doing good, she will be there.

he knows i am weaning, but doesn't know i stopped completely. i will see him on friday though.

The Mock Turtle's Song, Alice in Wonderland, Chapter X.

food trigger

it's been that kind of day

Ive been avoiding it. So they brought back my nemesis from like TWENTY YEARS AGO!
They thought i wouldnt remember...

I woke up with an uneasy feeling that I’m not welcomed no matter where I go. It’s an odd feeling. No one has hinted to me (at least not that I am aware) that they don’t want me around. I have however been told that I’m really hard to read ( I never saw that as a bad thing). I think sometimes people don’t know what to make of me because I never get super excited about anything and I’m monotone so my pitch never changes in any situation. I’ve been having trouble keeping up with conversations so maybe because I haven’t had much of a response to what people are telling me it makes it seem like I’m not interested. I don’t know. It’s certainly not on purpose if I’m making people think I’m not interested. I am just not someone who has a lot of charisma. I’m just not one of those people who are able to light up a room when I walk in. I have never been. Even though I envy people who are able able to actually do that, I never saw it as something too horrible that I can’t do that but maybe it is horrible.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

Signs I'm an editor: I look up a word to make sure I'm using it exactly correctly before sending a personal email. Sigh.

I wonder if you could have had a dream that you don't really recall but the emotions from it are lingering? And it's certainly not horrible that you can't light up a room--everyone can't be room-lighters. I'm sure you bring other things to the table. And we all go through periods where we're a bit off in our interactions with people (I know I do anyway).

Meeting with my slightly whacky case manager in about an hour and a half to discuss other services including residential treatment. Pocket riders appreciated.

Maybe I had a dream? I’m not sure. I slept really hard last night. Didn’t even hear H come in from work which almost never happens. I hear him as soon as the door opens.

I just have a bunch of unsettled feelings today. I’m not working today so I’m hoping to get out to the park to walk for awhile. It’s supposed to get up to 60 in these parts today so I think a nice long walk is in order. I may also open the windows in the house today for an hour in the afternoon just to let some fresh air run through then close them up again.

I dreamed I was minding Info’s apartment (part of which had the same floor plan mine does). A couple people randomly wandered in, one was shaving cheese into her glass of water, the other watching TV. Suddenly they vanished and the lights stopped working.

It was right before I woke up and I got up with a bad headache. I blame Info.

Did you know any of the people who wandered in?

Nope, just two random women.

Hmmm.

Well try not to drive yourself bonkers trying to analyze it though that may be difficult to do.

PS..if you decide to share this dream with Info feel free to share what she has to say if you would like.

I've been a weepy mess off and on since my T session yesterday. Sent him email, but his response was almost the opposite of reassuring? Like "yeah, that could happen, but I'd be as kind as I could about it." Wish I hadn't used up an extra session last week. Sigh--I supposed I could ask if I could possibly go tomorrow instead of Thursday, if he has any openings? (Not both!) Today not really an option for me because D is off (Lunar New Year because my county closes for any religious or cultural holiday pretty much).

Not going to drive myself crazy—I think it’s pretty obvious. Want help from Info (her apartment), two women show up not paying attention to me (Info), Info stand-ins vanish (is useless). Lights go out (end of something—dream, our relationship, me).

I know you really like him but you seem to be way more depressed and anxious with him, is it worth keeping him? This relationship is becoming too much for you, it seems. Maybe you should look at new T's or try that backup T... even if just for a bit of a break.

Hey, so since I dashed out yesterday without setting up further appointments, will they automatically shred my paperwork or should I call them today and say outright I'm not seeing him further and want them to shred it?

They'll likely hold onto it for a certain amount of time first--I'd go ahead and call to say you decided to go with someone else (I did that with a pdoc who I saw once and realized he was not a good fit. Sorry, in 2019--well, 2017 at the time--I refuse to see someone who is proud that they don't have an internet connection in their office!)

Hahaha, omg like a dinosaur, I couldn't do that either, thanks for the info. I'll call now. I never thought of it yesterday, just had to flee