Couch 189: The Oxford Couch

I realized that even though I came back on monday, I don't feel safe and that's triggering my anxiety +pharma. I want to be looked after and I want him to care about me without having to beg for it. Ho hum all very childish stuff but I just want comfort.

I've already used up my one email credit with a reply, so I know he won't reply back to me until monday.

I don't like the sound of deliberately quitting, but I hope it works out.

Your son sounds very overwhelmed. How old is he? Is it him that is being bullied, or does he have special needs? Can you keep him off for a bit to let him calm down then talk to him.

Is that in the tune of Queen's we will rock you?

It will all balance out, especially with 120%! You've got this!

I would try to soothe and calm myself in the moment. I know that voice in my head grows when I'm not well. The way you feel is valid, but the thoughts themselves are just thoughts. But don't minimize your pain, all of that is real and never just for the attention.

My H tried Lyft/Uber. There were some good days. But I think he's giving up. I hope you have an electric or hybrid, because gas prices will eat into the profits. Some tips that worked for H: malls, airports, restaurants, and bars. Weekend are usually best as are holidays.

If Lyft/Uber don't work out, he can always try door dash, grub hub, Uber eats, or Amazon delivery. My H is going to try door dash, I think. Think he said it's $7 a delivery?

He's my oldest who's 11 and has ADHD and sensory processing disorder. My other son is the one being bullied. I've talked to him after he got home and he told me what upset him, which was just a game that his class was playing but he wasn't ready yet. He wrote an apology letter to his class and teacher for tomorrow. And I spoke to his occupational therapist today about it so everyone is aware and is trying to help. I know his only and best friend is moving away in a few weeks so that could be a factor.

Stomp stomp clap! Stomp stomp clap!

I emailed a somatic experiencing therapist this morning.

That write up makes me go all awww on the inside. I can read the care in that.

Cool - SE is something I wish I had access to, but R and I are doing a lot of work on getting me more aware of my body. Peter Levine's Waking The Tiger is an excellent read, if you ever get any downtime between exams and study.

I got a reply back from him already. He said he does it alongside Integral Somatic Psychology (ISP). From his website:

". We work together to support the body to open and contain emotions and feelings, especially the ones that have been most denied or defended against, so as to release blockages and build capacity. We use touch, self-touch, gentle movement and awareness to facilitate the process. "

I feel like when I'm very triggered, I am a danger to myself and it takes an awful lot of time to come back to a steady state of equilibrium. I'm either swinging from a state where I'm getting panic attacks over exams and I can't stop crying to pure numbness where I can't feel properly.

Grounding came up in my second last session with R. We did talk about my dbt skills workbook (which I got to page 120, but not finished). but he said he didn't believe in it, so we haven't really spent a lot of time preparing for all the emotions therapy brings up- and I feel like he just expects me to get on with it and I can't contain it properly.

Trauma T offered a reduced rate of £10 less per session than his usual £65, but it still seems very pricey, but if I do it fortnightly it would even out and maybe I would ask R if we can do every other week, though he has said he doesn't work like that.

'I feel like he just expects me to get on with it, and I can't contain it properly.'

Ouch. That sounds like a really difficult position to be in. I would think that containment is a pretty basic requisite of good therapy.

I'm usually okay, but I feel more like a child at the moment and a heck lot more sensitive so my usual losing touch with reality is heightened . Ho hum 2/3 exams done though- finally exam on tuesday and I've spent most of today in bed.

How are you doing?

Woke up feeling queasy today, and I'm still not right. Trying to work out how to express anger (which R and I agree needs to be released) without hurting anyone is hard.

Anxiety sure makes life interesting, I woke up to go to the bathroom around 3 and couldn't fall back asleep. I had this convo in my mind

"Wow, I wonder how long pop tarts have been around?"
"Which was the first flavor?"
"Which is the most popular flavor?"
"Why do they get packaged as 2 and not just singles?"
"How many total flavors are there"

So I spent about a hour online googling LOL.... funny thing is, I haven't had any in a few years.

Sounds like some of the things I think about in the middle of the night--or middle of the day. When out to dinner last night with H and D, I was pondering out loud why they decided to make the standard 4 crayons red, yellow, blue, and green. I mean, yes, red, yellow, blue are the primary colors, but why green? Plus you can't usually see yellow too well on paper, so why not purple or orange?

What is the most popular Pop-Tart flavor? I'm guessing strawberry?

I'm laughing at your crayon thing, because I get you. It actually is a VERY good question. You make good points.

The most popular according to the company is a tie between strawberry and brown sugar cinnamon, but another site said a fan poll between them, the BSC won.

Something a bit similar came up with T yesterday when he sad he was concerned if I'm often upset after sessions. I said how part of it was big things often coming up in the last 10 minutes, which is often my doing, but sometimes he'll say something that bothers me right near the end (often because I'm misunderstanding it), but then there's no time to discuss it. Or else I don't realize it bothers me until I get in the car. He said maybe we could try talking about lighter stuff near the end. I said maybe, but then what if something big came up with 11 minutes left? I said it was really more about not having some new big thing right at the end. We're going to talk more about how to deal with that next session. That's also a big part of why I sometimes end up emailing him, because of something that came up right at the end and want to clarify it in the hopes of calming myself.

In the past, we also discussed his teaching me more mindfulness/calming techniques (he's demonstrated a couple brief breathing ones), so may need to bring that up again. Does anything like that help you, Lemon?

If you don;t already, use notes! Go through them before session and highlight which is most important etc, go from there, I did this often and it was such a help

My T never allowed me to end with lots of emotions, we always ended light and baby T yesterday said he is the same way. So I think it would be a good thing for you guys to try. It was helpful for me to have that.

Ooh I used to love the brown sugar cinnamon ones.

I often actually process something L said during a session later or the next day, and want to email. She said something yesterday that I didn't really process til right now, and of course I want to email about it.... ugh.

Me too! Would probably taste too sweet to me now. Also loved the blueberry ones. And cherry. Now I want a Pop-Tart...

Ooh yes the cherry ones....

That might also be a factor for me too. I start light, joking about a tv show or making fun of his hair. I'm crying by 32 mins in. It sounds simple but hmmm heavy first.... I've been on one session a week since october too- so I'm extra loopy and he said most of my stuff happened out of session, rather than in.