Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I feel gross, T. I spent all day/night in bed. I hate me.

13 days til i find out if you change your mind. If you reallynwanted to this could a great corrective experience but i will lways see it as you discarding me even though i said i no longer see my self as disposable this is seriously testing my lesson.

I was just beginning to trust you and i dont know how it happened how come i am always the last to know.

Oh boy, I hadn't realized how sleep deprived I was Friday until I slept. It was like I was drunk or something. Our session feels distant, like a dream.
I keep remembering things I'd forgotten we'd talked about.
I don't want to tell you I barely remember it because I was so out of it because you'd probably find that concerning.
One thing I really don't miss about drinking is this awkward uncomfortable sense as I wait to remember more of what I said/did

I told you about Monday. In fairly graphic detail.
In my defense, you asked. And it wasn't a simple straightforward answer, there was no way to describe it without being somewhat graphic.
Did hearing me describe that bother you?

Today I feel numb..I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. The anger isn't dominant at the moment, but it is there.

Shoulder pain 6/10

I’m starting to feel sort of scared, like maybe the badness is beginning to descend again. I’m seeing you today and then not until a week from Friday. This is not the most convenient vacation you’ve ever taken.

I realized this morning as I was getting ready to start work that I did not talk to you in my head last night after I went to bed for the first time since I last saw you. Progress eh.

I don't feel so well today.



Building maintenance knocked on my door wanting to check the fire alarm 5 mins before I had to leave for derma. It sounds dumb, but it makes me uncomfortable when I have people I don't know in my space. I did say that I would like notice next time before they turn up instead of just expecting me to let them in.

Registration for forensic in 2 hours and 57 mins.

>> 9 days, 17 hours, 25 minutes and 11 seconds

If there was ever a time of year when I needed support, this is it. The timing of everything is atrocious. Please say we can schedule something for next week, and please show up.

I could use a hug from you right now. I can't believe how far I've backtracked since you left. I'm a disgrace

You're doing your best DP that's all that matters.

1.15 hours till registration opens....

Not the date I wanted, but I guess it all works out in the end so it doesn't really matter and there's only 4 days between the 29th and my new exam date 03.05.2019 at 11am.

I probably feel uneasy toward you because I'm starting to get upset at my mom again. It wouldn't be the first time I dragged you into that. I wish I could feel consistently close to you, but you feel so far away right now.

T--I'm upset with you that you had to cancel. I understand things come up. But I need you today and you're not there. In fact, I'm starting to realize you aren't there for me most of the time. You've never said stuff like, "I'm on your team" like former T would. You probably never give me a second thought anyway. I'm really upset with you. At the same time, I hope everything is okay for you. I don't know what you meant by family emergency. I hope it's not serious. Kit

Hi T, hope you're having a happy Monday (no musical puns intended). Love you, Echos

I am probably developing bedsores because all I do is stay in bed. I am essentially bedridden.

You have no idea how much this is killing me.

I, um, think I may have been right about me falling into the abyss.

Eff.

L, everything, all of it, has worked together for my good. I am so grateful and I hope you know that.

Gauntlet...

Well-meaning people asking stupid questions, rather than listening.
This has been even more excruciating than usual.

I don't want to go to yoga.

I want to stay in bed and maybe die.

You told me today you’re enjoying working with me. Even tho I wasn’t too impressed with you at the start of our session that made me feel better.

Your words and your actions don’t match.