Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I'm furious with you! If you were here right now I would probably make an ugly face and scowl horribly like I did that other time!

You need to do something to make me feel better! I feel bad! I hate it!

Pay attention to me!

Dear T,
You said some things today that really challenged me. In the past, I'd likely have felt hurt. And there was a fleeting moment where I felt that from something (OK, two things) you said today. But I realize you were saying those things to help me. I think that's progress? They are things/truths I need to realize and deal with.

I wish you'd start saying "take care" again...would it be weird to ask for that?
Love,
LT

Hey you. I was about half an inch away from calling you on my walk this afternoon. I really just want to say hello and check in briefly because I guess I really don't want to fully close the door on maybe doing more work with you down the road at some point. If you haven't retired by then of course. I know you always said you hope to still be working when you're 100 but...
eta: i am not sure it's ok for me to call after 2 months of silence.
etaa: I do remember a really long time ago after that first rupture you said "You can always call" or something like that.

Dear T,

I am feeling really disorganized when it comes to you. I don't know what to do or how I am feeling or why I am feeling this way. Gah. My next session is going to be horrible. I can already tell. I'm pulling way back and I can't seem to stop that.

I am exhausted. I hope to hear from you this week to set something up for next. There's a lot I want to say, but none of it feels fair or reasonable...and yet I still need to say it.

This is the hardest time of year, and it takes my words away.

T, you tried so hard. You were right there waiting patiently, gently, holding the space... and I sat there like a cat that thinks it is amusing to see how long the human will hold the door before shooing them inside or out... then meowing to see if said human will reopen the door. I feel like crap. Total crap. You did the therapeutic part I asked for 100%... but I couldn’t do my part and now I am miserable. I just want to pull the covers over my head until my next chance to fail... 7 more days. I know you were hurting and frustrated today too and I know it wasn’t frustrated with me. Easter you are going away. It is an anniversary week of a major abandonment... worse, you are going to the place I want to be right now... oh and to imagine how much better it could be if you were there too
This didn’t post last night and the sucky is just as bad today. I get to see massage T but I am not even excited, just blah, another obligation with social **** attached. This is so not like me. I want you to reply to my email... but I want you to tell me you have an opening this week and we can try again, that you have some other truck up your sleeve to help... I know if you respond it isn’t going to be that..

See you tomorrow T. I like having you there, and knowing you will be there, same time every week. It helps my week feel steady and good.

Day 11 /20

>I've decided to drop out of my study group. It's too intense and I don't like working on someone else's schedule. I googled the physical symptoms of BPD yesterday, not just the emotional stuff and some of the things I've always felt came up: mainly the fatigue and sensory overload. I need more down time and it's not me just being a snowflake.

8 days, 16 hours, 33 minutes and 49 seconds

I miss you.

You ARE my mini-me! I am so proud of you for discerning this was contra your own good purposes. I have for too long, whenever someone said jump, jumped overly high, without thinking.

Hugs Kit,

I wish I had answers for you. I can say, though, I understand qhwee you are coming from. One of the things I really struggle with when it comes to Emdr T vs T is when I was really struggling with something T always said we will get through this together. It made feel like I wasn't alone and a lost cause. EMDR T doesn't say anything like that. I have said things like "I know we will get through this" she never comments or anything on that part of what I say.

It is hard when they miss and we are prepared to see them and they cancel. T and I discussed this once because I was upset she was frequently canceling due to a new chronic illness. I wasnt mad at her for cancelling or being sick I was frustrated that my appointment was canceled.

Thanks Nottrustin. Thanks for understanding and "getting it". HUGS Kit

Yeah this isn't good.

I hate how much I miss you on the beautiful days. I want to walk again so bad.

I listened to that podcast you sent again and damn it, I think I understand now what you were trying to do. It worked just a little too well is the problem. **** damn ****.

I enjoyed struggling with you. I miss struggling and disagree that you were the wrong T for me, sometimes i felt that you were my biological father, was i supposed to tell you this? I am really confused about what inwas supposed to tell you.

Dear new t,

I wish today was Thursday so I could see you.

-Butterfly

imessedupdidn'ti

I missed you a lot today. I think I am finally seeing things more clearly. See you on Thursday.

11 days to go. why am i torturing myself like this

T, you have the feeling cards and the goal cards that I have to pick before I can sit down... maybe I need to make a set of crap I need to talk to you about cards and have to pick one each week. But there is no room left on the credenza. Also, I am debating bringing my high school yearbook in... that was when I started having positive people in my life... but then I also want you to know how bad and horrible I am and that your instinct to protect yourself isn’t wrong... I just choose every day not to be that part of me... but I am kinda sick of you thinking I am all sweet, passive, loving and innocent. I’m not... at least not always.
Most of all I want to be as close to you/my safety as you will allow.

I told you not to ask
So if you ask and find the answer upsetting, that's on you
I warned you. I warned you about all of this.

What did you mean about what would happen if I took it off the table?
I don't know if I'm ready.
I'm angry

What if you feel ethically obligated to ask, even if you'll find the answer personally upsetting?
Then it is wrong of me. ****.

I want to want to agree to it.
Why do you want that so much?
(I think I know why.)
You'd feel safer talking about things when you know they aren't going to end with me doing that. I really want to be able to give you that. But I need an outlet. I need it for penance. I can't sit with the guilt and shame.

Feedle dee dee my session is tomorrow.

Oh wait, I forgot. You'll probably want to dissect those texts I sent last week. I don't know about that. I think I'm maybe coming down with something and can't come to my session. Ok?