Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I’m sorry T, I know you would not approve of where I am right now even though I can’t say for sure what you would be feeling. I know it would cause a chain reaction that might ruin our ability to work together beyond your control. I’m doing the best I can, I did everything right until now but there is no help so I am doing what is working even if it is wrong. I don’t want to ever have to keep a secret from you but I guess I will have to keep this one until we get far enough past it that you don’t have to do anything. Please help me figure something out Thursday. Please.

I can't believe we're back to this.

Please stay safe...

Please stay safe CNS. We're here if you want to talk.

Thanks guys. I'm struggling a lot since I feel there's no use in contacting my T early (working makes it almost impossible for me to see him on days other than my usual session day), yet I feel very out of control and like I should ask for help. Currently doing a bit better, might be because I'm so sleepy now. Might make a thread tomorrow depending on how I feel...

39.5 hours. Ugh.

Dear T: You told me to reach out if I am struggling, but its your vacation, so I will try really hard not to.

Dear Dr. S,

I think I would like to hear your voice. I'm not anywhere really bad emotionally. I am wondering if it would be helpful? I'm not sure. I want things to be fixed between us. I'm pretty sure you'd say that nothing is broken. It feels broken. It feels so hard.

- me

T, tonight I am curious and feeling pretty damn brave. If you could tell me anything without me being hurt, defensive, scared... without having to have filters, without the professional boundaries without it needing to be therapeutic or even about me... what would you tell me?

Will the day come when when I am reminded of of you and not feel like a knife just stabbed me in the chest?

Maybe I'll bring in different pictures of cats to show you what I meant. That would certainly make for an interesting session.
Maybe I should just communicate all my feelings and wants and needs with pictures of cats from here on out

Is it the right choice, I don't know?

I see you in eight days and I am very scared. I have no doubt you will be kind and non-judgmental... I'm the one I'm afraid of!

Thank you for staying with me in the realization, delight, and challenge that our bond is going to last beyond therapy.

Four more sleeps - I have a feeling next session is going to fly by. I don't know how we can avoid that, but I would like to, if possible.

I don't like mothers day. Not at all. I don't want it. I miss you.

Dear T,
Are you still reading my emails? I know you missed one while I was on vacation which I completely understand. I miss emails all the time, although I’d be less likely to miss an important one. I can’t help but think that if I was interesting to you, you wouldn’t have missed it. Just want to make sure you’re not sending a subtle message. We’ve had this email arrangement for a long time, so maybe you’ve decided it’s time to change things. It’s happened before, so I just wanted to check.

I'm sorry I freaked out in your new office and made u stand in the rain with me cuz I wanted to be outside and I'm sorry I left early with no explanation

Resisting temptation to contact you.

Dear T,

You said exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so very much. I am so grateful.

--EG

This is weird, but I want to email you even though I’m feeling totally fine? I think I liked it when we were emailing about what you’d written, and I miss that.

I was happy today.

P.s In case you didn't know you come back in 24 days and 16 hours and you haven't even left yet.

I really thought in light of the 3+ years we've been working together and everything you've seen me through, that somehow you would find a way to make an exception with regards to out of hours sessions, knowing that flexi time at work is no longer an option and I am struggling badly with suicidal depression and very recent bereavement.
But something has changed and I feel like you feel like we're done. The only way you could support me is by phone but you know I really have difficulty with doing emotional stuff over the phone.

So I guess that's it.

I need to start the damn awful process of trying to find someone else who can do out of hours sessions and learn to trust all over again.

I don't know if I can be bothered with any of it anymore. This life is more trouble than it's worth.

Damn it I miss you. I thought I'd be ok coming back here but I'm not. I'm too sad seeing everyone else who still has their T. You know, the people's who's T's didn't give up on them