Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

@LT Is it possible that's not what he meant? Like he was saying cope however you want, just don't contact your therapist. I don't know, just an idea. Regardless, seems like a passive aggressive sort of remark.

Maybe, but it felt more passive-aggressive. I've been trying to open up more to him about therapy lately, so maybe it backfired? Or he's referencing ex-MC--anniversary of that termination was Thursday, and I told H a day or two ago that I was struggling with it. Maybe I just need to not tell him any of that? I don't know...I'm trying to let him see my inner world, but perhaps he'd rather not know...

It didn't sound like he was saying don't drunk call the therapist. I would have taken more as don't drink and then get remorseful and call the therapist to confess or be absolved or make it into a crisis where you think you need the therapist.

Have you asked him whether he wants to see your inner world? And what response from him were you expecting? I don't usually have a desire to see the inner world of others - I never know why they are telling me or what I am supposed to do when they tell me about it.

Regarding the inner world thing, it might be a question of selectivity. You know ex-MC and even your relationship with your current therapist are sensitive subjects for your husband. I think the point of sharing stuff in a relationship or increasing emotional intimacy or whatever is that it's supposed to strengthen the relationship. Asking your husband for support on a topic that he feels wronged by in a way isn't going to achieve that.

Day 2 out of 19:

I woke up feeling good.

Meet up with study group at 9.30am, but I'm skipping gym this morning.

I think maybe you were right about the whole gifting thing. I've always felt like it was something I had to do and didn't really think about it.

I ended up saying that his comment bothered me because I've only ever called this T once (literally), and he said he was trying to make a joke and apologized. I think maybe I do need to ask him more about what he wants me to share.

These are good points. To clarify, I didn't talk about the ex-MC stuff this week in any detail at all--I knew it was obvious that I was upset Thursday after session, so I told him that it wasn't anything about him or about T, that I was processing some ex-MC stuff. And that I knew that topic bothered him, so I wasn't intending to talk about it with him at all.

He seems generally OK with my T. We had a discussion about it recently, and he agreed with me that I seem very different about him as compared to how I was with ex-MC (OK, so I guess he came up there...). And he seems to think he's helping me.

In sharing stuff with him, a while back (like a few years), he said he felt I wasn't "present" enough with him. (He's mentioned that other times, too.) And I know I'm in my own head a lot. So I guess one way I've tried to change that is trying to be more open with what's going on with me if I'm, say, really spaced out or emotional. But maybe I shouldn't be? I feel if I ask him, he'll just be like, "Share whatever you want." Or "it doesn't bother me." So I don't know...Maybe I'll just try sharing less and see how it goes.

haven't seen u in 2 weeks since I panicked and left early after making u stand in the rain with me (thanks btw)

but yeh.... maybe soon?

I felt more present in session last week than I ever have and it felt good and comfortable and empowering. And you shared a little about yourself which is something I’ve been asking you for, so that was nice. I still have the occasional urge to google you though.

T, tomorrow is Monday and I get to see you and have you all to myself again! And a hug... but I might ask for one at the start too... depends on how brave I am. I know I sent you a huge long list of things I want to talk about AND I opened the door for you to ask about me and H... I know you had something planned too because you are good like that... too much stuff T! I need to see you more but I know you don’t have time. Unless I still have this headache I am going to be bouncy... I hope you are OK with bouncy. The trees and bushes are budding... guess what? That means you get your invitation to the surplus goodies from our property... please don’t get angry... everyone gets in on it in the summer it isn’t just for you. I know you eat healthy and we have so much good stuff... mulberries, elderberries, raspberries, black berries, blueberries... cooking herbs, medicinal herbs, rhubarb... maybe peaches and sand plums... if we do a garden there will be extra from that too... please don’t reject it on principal. It is too much for us to eat even with canning and preserving. I want to do a T project but I won’t tell you about that until it is done... then I have three others in mind... I hope you don’t reject those either because they are for me and your other clients not you... but I need to stop chasing horses first... they got out again...

I'm not ok.

What am I going to talk with you about? I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I could look at this compulsion I have to cancel, but I don't really want to.

Maybe starting with why I want to sleep 20 hours a day would be a good start. I'm not depressed, I swear. Just soooo tired.

T, I am sad. This is the second totally waisted nice day that I felt ok. My son is being a jerk. As long as I stay in my room he doesn’t SH or lash out at me. Took me 6hrs to successfully boil pasta for lunch. I want to be with you, just near you... you don’t have to pay attention to me. I want to feel protected not abandoned. I want to sew and I want to brush the horses, I need to fix the fence, get cat food... I want to worry about cute summer outfits...

Even if I told you how un-prepared I am for termination I don't think you'd hear it.
It wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I wish I could believe my own motives. I wish I wasn't constantly questioning whether I was being manipulative.

Tomorrow is the worst day of my week. It use to be a good day for me. It was the day I would see. No matter how badly things were going or how far I had fallen, I knew are you and our work together would pick me back up and put me back on path.

But really, though. What am I going to say to you? That I've missed you? That doesn't really cover a session.

I wish I knew where the line was
What could I ask for and have before you started to deny requests?

I don't want to do trial and error, because crossing that line even once would make me feel so humiliated and angry at myself for having asked.
There was one thing I asked for that you said no to. That was over a year ago and I still hate even remembering.

But, as you know, I still need the line to exist. I trust you to keep it on the fairly rigid/professional side of the boundary spectrum.
Getting what it feels like I want would ruin this entire thing.

Dear T,

Lens inward or lens outward? I think I've benefitted much from looking inward these past few years, making better choices about what and how and who I spend my time and energy with, how what I do misses the mark from what I'm going for. I understand myself with a lot more complexity now and cut myself far more slack than I used to. I never thought it might be progress to not punish myself or feel negative about making mistakes. Perhaps it has been this that has encouraged me to learn more and take risks with work that I might not have done otherwise. This new work project makes that clear. But now it is time to turn the lens outward, to look at the world, and I'm not that thrilled with what I see. Not going to pretend otherwise. How to live with what I see and the limited ability I have to make the world a better place? The enormity of the beast against the tools I have, it is not inspiring. What I'm looking for is inspiration, with a capital I.

T, it’s T day. I am excited. Seeing you Monday and Thursday works really well fo me I wish we could do it every week (without the extra long week and a half breaks). I hope my bouncie overrides my social fears and I can ask for a “hi” hug and a “bye” hug... you already know that is normal for me.
T, I keep having dreams about being really, really scared in your office and what you will do... like more scared than you have ever seen me. I can’t see you ever letting me get that scared in your office, it would upset you too much to see.
T, there are some parts of my story that I am going to need to tell you even though you don’t need to hear them to help me... but I know they will be super upsetting to you so I am not sure what to do.
Can you be you again today? I want to laugh and smile and that is easier for me when you let your quirks show through rather than being all professional.

Was surprised you did not respond to my email yet.

I'm trying to hush the inner critic before it can even get the statement out so that whatever statement doesn't become a running dialog. I need an inner critic voodoo doll that I can wrap up in saran wrap and duck tape mouth shut.

If you find one, can you let me know? I would also benefit from one.

LOL! At one of my job assignments, i made voodoo dolls of my boss, and my boss's boss. Long story, but i loved it. Just go to a toy store or browse til you find a character that suits.

OMG T, that hat in THAT car... I am dying! The Fr transference is fierce! and typing this on my fave couch in your waiting room has me laughing way too hard... going to be an interesting hour!

From tomorrow just 17 days to go.

At the moment I don't feel like I need to see a back up T, but I am seeing a massage therapist at the fancy spa again on friday, after I left feeling so much lighter yesterday.

Oh T, who would have thought I would have cried so much over the loss of somebody. I said years ago I would never allow myself to get close enough to a person that their leaving would hurt me. Whelp here I am still in excruciating pain over the loss of you. You taught me that the memories and time together makes all the the pain worth it. As was usually the case, you were right. You made a huge impact on my life. You helped me recognize and celebrate the successes and good times. You were also always there to comfort me when things were the worst. You made me feel cared about, stron and worthy. No matter what I said you always made me feel safe and comfortable. You taught me trust my instincts and that I am a good mom.

I still can't believe you are gone. I do charish the memories. The memories are worth the pain.