Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Reply to my text! Immediately!

Dear T,
I think my fears that you aren't taking me seriously enough about certain things (I only somewhat expressed that today) mainly come from my mom not taking me seriously enough about mental or physical health issues. I think, even though it may not have been obvious today, that's why it's rather triggering for me when you react in a certain way. I think we need to talk about that on Monday. I know compared to some of your other clients I'm probably low-risk, but I also feel that scales vary by individual client. And what might be just, say, a 5 for one client might be like an 8 for me. Maybe you only worry when it hits a 9.5, so it might not matter. Is it wrong that I want you to worry about me, maybe a little, sometimes? I mean, I know you care. I guess...maybe I just want you to think, "I hope LT's OK." I know you said you'd have done that if I hadn't added in the "I'll be safe" thing to my email last week. But is there something wrong with me that, when you said that, part of me wished I *hadn't* included that line? I'm not sure I could tell you that...because it just seems screwed up or something. But I do think it's something we need to talk about, even if I'm afraid to. Because I really think it comes from childhood stuff. As I don't normally want to make people worry, like not H or friends or anyone. The fact that I want *you* as an authority/paternal figure to worry--I think that's significant.
Love,
LT

OK Pdoc, your office hasn’t called to cancel my intake appointment to start seeing you again after three years so I guess you don’t hate me! I adore you and am SO excited... have not started the countdown clock yet but I will. Is everything still purple? Are the pictures behind you still all black and white but the pictures behind your clients in color? Do you have any idea how excited I am to get to spend a whole hour with you? I truly think this all may be diagnosable... but you better still be as awesome as ever. I need you and T to be awesome together for me.

Thank you for making me laugh <3

I dreamt that you left your daughter in my care, but she cut her cheek,falling in my hallway. I tried calling you, but I couldn't reach you. The phone just rang and rang.

I was looking online for contact details but Instead I just found more photos of you and your wife together in matching clothing in a coffee shop .

I have radio class in 42 mins and i'm still in bed.

P.s are you surprised. I haven't emailed by day 7 whilst you're away?

P.p.s 17 days till forensic exam!

It is slowly but surely hitting me that I truly have schizoaffective disorder. I can't begin to explain how terrifying this is. The sorrow hits me here and there. And it is painful. It is so painful to have to redefine myself. I am just so distraught and sad. My difficulty articulating things, my H always saying "I have no idea what you are talking about!" I am so utterly devastated.

I really wish you will allow me to come back, but i know rhe chances are unlikely you stated there are no spaces for me as you are no replacing people when they leave.

Feeling conflicted at the moment - this is the hardest time of year, and I have to deal with it solo. I've tried that, and it doesn't work.
By the time I see you again, it will be old news, and the Critic will be screaming at me about relevance. Why is it that when I need support most, you aren't sodding here?

There's something going on that I haven't told you about at all. I'm too ashamed to admit it. Literally no other human being about it.
It would be a different kind of shame. And disappointment in me.
I really really need to tell you. This is basically the issue I came to you for in the first place before you got all distracted by my self harm.
This was why I sought out CBT.
And I wasn't ready to tell you the full extent of how bad it gets, so I don't think you realized how much of a big deal it is.

I wanted to not have any emotional connection to you so that maybe I could address it without hating the idea of you knowing quite as much.
Remember that first session when I told you nothing about this issue has anything to do with my childhood or self loathing stuff? Honestly that's still true. And I don't know if I can work with you on both. I wanted to get the first thing under control because at least that is maybe somewhat possible. I wanted practical solutions.
This is affecting ever other aspect of my life. I've been averaging a few hours of bad sleep every night. I'm thinking about it during the day.
But I want to just handle it myself so I don't have to talk to you about it, problem solved. But even then, honestly I need to address this issue.

This is where my commitment to not lie to you gets really difficult. Maybe I can tell you I can only talk about it if you promise not to ask any questions or details and only work with a very very vague idea of what it is.
Because I promise, no matter how bad you could try to imagine it is, it's so much worse.

****.

Maybe I'll get this episode resolved by myself and then talk to you about it. It would be easier to talk to you about it if it wasn't currently bad.
Then we can work on prevention, and not have to talk about the specifics.
That's sounding like the best idea right now.

Now all I need is 30 hours in a day and no work obligations for at least a week. Oh and probably finding some meds that work better because obviously something isn't working. This isn't normal. Then again, meds that work for me don't really seem to exist.

I need to make a plan but I keep getting stuck at where to start and feeding overwhelmed. And honestly I should really try to get a bit of sleep tonight. The sleep deprivation effects have gotten pretty bad.

I hate this parental transference ********. I want to cry and tell you everything and for you to say it's okay and have a solution and be with me every step.
If I could have an unrealistic wish, I think I could do it if I made a plan and we broke it up into pieces and decided that I was going to accomplish those things that day ... If I could get a text from you every day. Like the one you sent once. It would make me feel like I could do this and I wasn't alone. It would make me feel l cared about, whatever the opposite of abandoned is. I wouldn't even need to have an actual conversation about my feelings over text. Just acknowledgement so I could let myself feel proud.
Or have me text you every time, and so every tal task would mean getting a moment of contact with you and getting to exist to you outside of my session. That would be another step from one type of caring to the other. I'd want you to be happy and proud, I wouldn't be wanting you to be upset and worried.
But you wouldn't do something like that. It's not your style.

Dear T,
I feel selfish for wanting contact with you when I know that you are out of the office with a serious matter. I feel like a horrible person for wanting to email and check if you are ok. *sigh* I miss you.

T, I am still having irrational reactions and thoughts about you. Is it because you called me out on being dissociative? It isn’t like that is anything new to me and I wasn’t hiding it from you. Was it the hug? Was it the email I sent you asking for suggestions? I hate this. The wanting to curl up and cry has thankfully stopped, the intrusive visions have stopped, but I still want to cower and hide... but I want to be with you/near you... so somewhere I know you aren’t really a threat.

Dear T: I see you on Monday but I don't know...I'm not feeling it. It's not that I don't want to go exactly, it's that our last appointment, in my opinion, didn't go so great, and I'm not looking forward to another one that doesn't go so great. I'm projecting? Maybe? Maybe I am just out of practice because it's been about a month since I've seen you. Maybe I don't need you. I still need former T. I wish you were her. I guess I will see how Monday goes. Maybe we will have an awesome appointment like the one before last. That would be great. Can you do that for me? Kit

Dear Former T: So far I am resisting the urge to email you...though I did send you an Easter card, though it didn't say much besides to and from. I just wish I could see you again. I don't like not seeing you. HUGS Kit

It's not ok to ignore me as if I am some non-entity unworthy of a response. It's rude. I asked you a direct question. If you didn't want to answer over text, you could at least have said that instead of nothing. Maybe you think that because you usually don't respond, that means I don't care about responses. That seems pretty stupid, since this time I was actually asking a question, but maybe that's what you're thinking. I have no idea. But it's not ok to just leave me hanging like that. When I ask you a question, I expect a response.

I will not be disrespected by you.

I have not decided if I am done with you over this or not. I am not really interested in spending a session explaining to you why this is not ok. That should really be obvious.

Ha! Now you're asking a question and I think I'll just take my sweet time answering, if I even bother to at all. You have some nerve asking me anything while continuing to ignore my own question to you.

12 days, 12 hours, 17 minutes and 44 seconds

I'm coping and all, but you feel even further away .

I honestly feel like just quitting.

Hmm. Pettiness isn't a good look on anybody, including me. It's not usually one of my faults...

Writing this here so I don't email former T:

Dear Former T,

Hi. How are you? How has your M.S. been? Have you been coping alright?

I miss you. You probably know that already.

It’s been two months and a day since I’ve hurt myself. By Easter it will be 70 days. I’m praying to the Lord that He will take this away from me. It’s a hard habit to break. I’m trying to soak in the verses about the body being a temple unto the Lord. I’m comforted that in Heaven we receive new bodies. Mine won’t have scars all over it. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t stop now, and not give myself more scars. It feels like I’ve been trying to stop for a long time now. So why would it work this time? But I don’t want to use that as an excuse not to try.

My parents will be gone for a few days after Easter and I know that then it will be difficult to not hurt myself. I have the means to hurt myself enough to have to get stitches, and there’s some appeal in that to me. Just having the wounds say, “Look, it’s that bad.” But it’s embarrassing going to the hospital, going to the doctor, having to get stitches, having to get stitches out. So that is a deterrent.

My last session, which was sometime last month, didn’t go well with current T. It felt like she was frustrated with me or something. I need to ask her at my next session if she was frustrated. It felt like she was. Because I still have the thought or feeling, whichever it is, of being bad, even though I am forgiven. Do most people think they are good? It seems foreign to me. My arm throbs right now, around the place where it was last hurt, where the stitches were. Coincidence? I think not.

I’m thinking of ending therapy. I don’t know if it is helping. I don’t think anyone can help me except you. I don’t know if I am just thinking that way because the last session didn’t go well, and it was a while ago, so I’ve been sitting with this feeling that it didn’t go well for a while. That is probably partly my fault that it didn’t go well. But it’s a long time to sit with something and not feel like it went well. I hesitate to end therapy though because I’ll lose my safety net...if I get really suicidal, I’ll have no where to turn. But because I don’t see current T all that frequently, I guess my safety net has some pretty big holes in it. Part of me wants to just give up and throw caution to the wind. To just let be whatever will be. But the part of me that is more invested in my overall well being is not giving up so easily. So, I probably won’t end therapy. It just feels like I should. But feelings don’t always tell the truth.

As I write this, I’m not even sure if I am going to send it. It’s been about seven months since I’ve talked to you. Longer since I’ve seen you. I’m still grieving. I still miss you so very much. Sometimes I write to you and then don’t send it. It helps to just write. And since you aren’t my therapist anymore, I don’t want to email you too much, be too much, be too intrusive. Well, I didn’t want to be those things when you were my therapist also, but now there’s so much more.

I’m melancholy today. I don’t know why. Tears feel close. I haven’t cried. Not like proper cried. Probably because I’m at work. Not that it is a given that I won’t cry at work. It’s just less likely. Perhaps because I am melancholy, I have had some suicidal thoughts. Not that I’m going to do it, especially because my beloved kitty Esther needs me, but I’m thinking about it today.


I miss you, Kit

Big safe hugs, Kit.

Met with Pdoc today. It went okay we talked about you a bit and about how much I missed you. When I brought up missing you it was almost like like she was rolling her eyes in her head. Then when I checked out and rescheduled my next appointment with her, I realized it was the date of the last time I saw you last year.

Struggling to get through the night. Good thing for food alcohol. I know you tried to help me to not use alcohol to cope but some days it is the only way I can stay safe.

It felt almost like you were going to offer more, or at even just hint at it until I felt safe asking.
And then the moment was over and I'm sure you never intended to give me that impression.
Wishful thinking.
It was silly of me to even think that.
50 minutes twice a week. You've never said or done anything that would suggest that you'd ever deviate from that.
I wish you hadn't texted me that one time. It was easier when I thought that nothing like that could ever happen. Now I want it again.

L. So it's been about 2 months now since I saw you last. I'm still not sure if we need to say goodbye or not. Maybe that last hug was enough of one. I don't know.

Today was horrible. I’m not sure where we go from here. Oh, T.

What would your supervisor say about your behaviour in the last session? Or, more pointedly, what would your therapist say? Your "role reversal" description does not begin to cover what is playing out.