Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I don't want to be in my head at the moment.

All of this is beautiful and true. Whether the person lost is T or someone else, I have felt lucky to be grateful for what I had. The return value of the connection is far greater than the loss, although grief sometimes tells a different story. Human connection is the best, thanks for reminding me of it on this day, I could really use it.

Dear T,
Thanks for not pushing the "breathing" and meditation thing today. You seemed to really take me seriously when I talked about Thursday night, and I appreciate that. And you seemed particularly compassionate today. And yay, Super Mario socks (hadn't seen them in a long time).
Love,
LT

You kind of threw me off today when you asked me how therapy is working for me, and I didn't really answer very well because I needed time to think. I am working on formulating a better answer for next week. I guess anything is better than a shrug and "it seems to be ok".

You're most welcome. It has been a very difficult journey but I am getting through it. Whenever I get angry, I remind myself of our accomplishments, mutual caring, etc.

aaaaaaaaaand back to thinking that maybe I'm not ready to come back.



P.P.S - I have 7 "emails" from you now. Yep I'm crazy, but I went through my inbox flagging some of your older emails and marking them as unread so they would stay at the top of my inbox and look new.

I think that's a good sign Lemoncake. HUGS Kit

T, you are awesome and amaizing and I love you... even if you aren’t a pet person.

Honestly. I wish I could stop crying over someone who has probably not even thought of me more than once in the last month, if that. This is ridiculous. Why do I care? It's over, you are gone, why can't I just let it all go and move on? Good lord

You better be ready for me on Wednesday!

i am really embrassed i sent that text that said we love you. If you agree to let us come back it will be a really hard conversation to have.

April day 9 - shoulder pain 6/10.

I wrote some stuff you'll like better, challenging/refuting thoughts and coming up with balanced ones, to hopefully at least somewhat balance out the other stuff that's probably going to make you use your gentle sad voice.
I'm sorry.

Dear T,

There is something about the structure of our sessions that isn't working for me. I think that every week just works better for me, but that's not going to be possible since I've been traveling every other week since Jan, and will until the end of June. Nor do I want to go to an every other week schedule again, because my travel will throw that off and you don't always have an open time in the week otherwise. Stop taking so many clients, or get rid of them faster, or agree to see me at your super secret times you reserve for clients you like better than me. I don't like the insecurity of having to cancel a session because I'm out of town and then I can't see you when I need to. Of course this would all work better probably if I would actually discuss it with you rather than plotting inside my own head, trying to game what would work for me. After all these years, this might be my goofiest attempt to get what I need indirectly, when I know so for sure that you'd give me anything you possibly could, if I only asked. It's the "if" part I'm having trouble with, my 2 year old self who wants to do it "by self." Unfortunately there are no things that involve the cooperation and connection with other people that work this way. And whoever thinks intellectual awareness of information assists a person in making reasonable options is nuts.

The Emperor's New Clothes

I hate when something is going on at the arena next to you office. Last time I couldnt find parking anywhere. Took me a half hour and I was 20 minutes late meeting with you. My anxiety was the roof even though you were awesome.

Today the roads all around your office all day because of an event. Hopefully it will be cleared when I get there. You are on vacation next week so that is stressful enough without adding to the stress.

Ugh, T. Just ugh. Great. Sigh.

Day 4.

I'm sad and stupidly tired. You come back in 16 days. Wherever you've gone is too far away from me.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by school and don't really know how I'm going to get through 7 exams this semester. The first which is in 20 days if I get 1 of the 12 spots.

Things to look forward to:

Game of thrones.

Hiya L. Well I caught myself all activated last night calling myself names and **** so I stopped that and asked myself that question you'd have asked, what do I get out of that behavior, I didn't much like the answer but now i am working with that. It had been awhile since I had talked so brutally to myself. Maybe cuz I'm tired the overtime at work is getting to me again.... I am not proud that it happened but I am proud of myself for getting out of it quickly and then asking/answering the question. I learned so much from you, you know. And am hugely grateful.

Okay, I miss you rather a lot tonight. Just as well I'm seeing you tomorrow I suppose.

Glad we got the scheduling ironed out for Thursday - thanks for the slight panic.

15 days, 12 hours, 7 minutes and 8 seconds...

Dear T,

Had a bad panic attack today, worse than usual. Will tell you all about it Friday when I finally see you. This will be our first appointment in 3 weeks so there will be much to share. See you then.

-Butterfly

I feel yuck!

I think I would like to have a good argument with you tomorrow.