Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Dear T,
I have this feeling like I need to work through something with you. Like a transference sort of thing, maybe? I'm not sure. Just...something. Maybe more...I don't know, I want to say spiritual for some reason, but that doesn't make much sense. This is so ridiculous and woo woo, and I'd never say this to you, but almost like...something from our past lives? There's just this weird draw, this feeling there that I can't explain. And that sense that I'm on the edge of a change is still there. Maybe this is part of it? Please help me work through it, whatever it is.
Love,
LT

I miss you

T, are we OK? I know if you weren’t OK with me you would look into what was causing you to not be OK with me.... I know you wouldn’t just jump to blaming me. And I know we would talk about it
I got materials to do another project for you. My crafting mentor said I need to keep practicing on small projects and not over extend myself trying a big project yet. Problem is there aren’t any small projects at my level that motivate me... other than you might be able to use them. I hope you will listen and not read too much into it. I know you are a process person too. I need the process but you can use the product to help other clients. They would just be clutter to me. I don’t want all the hassle of setting up a shop and trying to sell anything yet.
T, I don’t feel good. I know a lot of it is stress. I know you want to work on trauma but maybe we need to work on stress. Right now trauma work (if I could avoid home/work/family) would be a welcomed break... yeh, the stress is that bad.
T, I’m catching on. You aren’t like the other T’s. You want me feeling safe and comfortable while we work in every way you can possibly provide without taking away from your needs. You aren’t doing it just so that you can frustrate me or hurt me later. You believe I can only heal in a safe, positive environment. I get it now and I am even started to believe it.

Yesterday at work we found out one of my coworkers had a horrible car accident with a significant TBI. She is in an induced coma. Her chances of survival are very grim and if she does her life will be totally different. I couldnt help but have visions of your accident. My heart broke into a million little pieces again. I remember reading the email from P tellin mr you were in the hospital and would be out for a while. Then the email stating it didnt look good and to please pray....then finding out you had passed.

I relate to that part about past lives. I felt (probably still and always will feel) some similar kind of thing with L. Maybe for me its just the I've internalized her thing? I dunno. But I think I get it. Hugs

It's been too long since our last meeting. There are things eating up at me, that we really need to talk about. My schedule here has been so hectic, it's hard to even find time to talk with you. I appreciate that you took the time to give me a call and let me know the internet was dlwn at your office. It sucks though that it had to happen right when our appointment was scheduled. Been almost 3 weeks though...

Must have been a bad day for driving or the world is really small. One of my long time friends was in an accident yesterday with severe TBI and is in an induced coma. Will be braying for both of them.

Today I simmer
Beneath long buried anger
It will soon escape

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I think we had some good, honest conversation. And thanks for saying some of those things out loud. Maybe I need to make a recording of you saying them, for when I start to doubt again. And you're clearly invested in me. That means a lot.
Love,
LT

Dear T,

I e-mailed you to cancel session and say I will be coming back for closure then ending. You haven't answered and session would be going on now and you didn't call to ask where I am so I know you must have gotten my e-mail. You probably went home early and won't answer until tomorrow. But please don't wait too long to answer, I don't want to have to worry about this forever. Maybe you are talking to a co-worker before you answer? I don't know, but hurry up already.

-Butterfly

Dear T,

Some of the things you have been doing recently make me melt. Somehow in session negative emotions take over and I'm not appreciative like I should be. I'm sorry.

--EG

It's only a week, but it is the hardest week - is it unreasonable of me to ask about your availability via email, even though we can't meet in person?

Dear T,

Thanks for answering my e-mail. You said you are available if I want to see you and you will support whatever I decide. I'll let you know later in the week if I want to come in next week. Considering I don't currently have a t in place to take over maybe I will see you. I just wish there were more ts available to me, it's hard since I have lousy insurance and a cluster of different issues.

-Butterfly

I hate the issue of my insurance company and going back to once a week
I think you don't understand that I don't really care if my primary insurance covers a second session. They can reject the claim if they want. My secondary insurance is willing to cover two sessions a week, so it would just mean a $10 copay for the second session every week.
I've tried to explain this before. It's really not that complicated.
And then I worry that it's not just the insurance. That you want me to go back to once a week. That you're sick of dealing with me. That my issues are no longer severe enough. That people won't care about me anymore if I get better.

OK T, most likely now I will not hear from you until Tuesday if at all. This sucks, I don’t want to be this needy even if you do understand. Next week is going to be a hard one. H and have been discussing my going inpatient all week. I know where I want to go but it isn’t covered by our insurance and it would be at least June before I could go. I don’t think I have until June left in me. I dont know where else to go or what else to do though that could help me. All the doctors think because I am not crying and Sui that I am OK. I’m not. I’m so very not. I know you are trying as hard as you can because you don’t know how I am still standing or how much longer we have until I collapse but we are there... just no one will listen because there is no drama or tears.

I sent you four texts and an email today. This would be so much easier if we were meeting twice a week like I've been asking for two months. Argh. You make me crazy. But I still love you.

T, H is at it again. Why does he do this when you go away. Please stop going away (OK, more than just because of H). It’s family again so I won’t call or send more emails but I know you don’t know that. So much to talk about next week and not enough time. T, I need you to know I am not OK. I don’t get Sui any more, I don’t SH, I don’t do drugs.... but that doesn’t mean I am OK, it just means those things don’t help either, not even as a short term fix. No one wants to take me serious because I don’t act out. That doesn’t mean I am OK. I know you have worried about this from our first session. You have worked so hard to do as much as you possibly can to support me as fast as you can but I’ve reached my limit and I am breaking down faster than we have appointments to put me back together.

(Separate instead of making a new reply)

it's genuinely starting to scare me just how attached I am getting to you.

@Omers, I have been where you are. It sucks when people think that just because we're not suicidal we're ok and don't need help. I hope you can get the help you need.

If I play all your videos at once it sounds like I'm in a room full of you.

My T mentioned the possibility of making videos recently. I can't wait! I'll buy extra monitors so I can have 20 of her in my office at once! T in stereo!

OMG I WANT!

Ok, I have voicemails, emails, and I can make my room/house smell like his office... oooooooh.... video.... awe heck... what I would do for a recording of him doing a guided meditation with me.... ooooooh... oh, you guys are such a bad influence .... but that’s why I love you!

Am I the only one who wouldn't want a video? I'd involuntarily scrutinize it in a far more critical way than you can do when talking to someone in real time and I'd inevitably find things to be annoyed by and then split on him to some degree, because yay black and white thinking.
I have to avoid reading his psychology today page for this reason.

T, I need a hug. This hole just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I don’t know if you can do the silence thing Fr used to do but I could really use that too, a lot. I know you can’t fix any of this no matter how much you wish you could. Just hold me.