To tell or not to tell?

I’ve always felt like in order for him to best help me, he needs to know EVERYTHING. I’m starting to think tho that maybe he doesn’t need to know absolutely everything. Maybe it’s ok to keep some things back?

I don’t either, which is why I have struggled with this.

I guess from my perspective, 100% disclosure sounds like having no personal boundaries, which leaves you vulnerable. I definitely think it's ok to keep some things back - but I know it can sometimes be difficult to figure out which things it's actually important to share. However, I think it's possible to feel things out and progress that way. From your posts, it sounds like you do plenty of reflection on your own time, so I bet you could figure out a way forward that wouldn't mean disclosing every little thing. You can always ask yourself what sharing something will accomplish. If you still have a suspicion that maybe you should share something, you can always ask people here. Eventually, you would probably get a good feel for what you would want your personal boundaries to be - and have a better idea of what is actually helpful when shared.

Sometimes I read stories like this and my jaw hits the floor, and I am not trying to mock you or be sarcastic. But you read what you wrote, right? You can't handle arguing but you have people living with you who are constantly arguing, which makes you afraid? And your therapist thinks you haven't made much progress? Could it possibly be due to your living situation-- it is akin to asking a battered woman to address the violence she's suffered while she's still living with her perpetrator.

I'm not sure you can address the real issues in your therapy until you're in a living situation that is safe. I suspect this isn't possible for you right now but I think that should be your first priority, above and beyond school. To put yourself first.

On the other hand, you can work on finding a way to feel safe in the midst of the arguing. You can explore what it means (a threat to you) and interrupt the pattern of physiological changes in your body that drive the neurological loop of coping. Because as an adult, their arguing doesn't pose a threat to you in the present; it's just evoking the past threat.

I do think this is a more productive route in therapy than focusing on your feelings, no matter what their content. Fear and what it does to your body are really, really hard. Once I stopped being afraid so much of the time I had all the space and time, it was like being able to take a deep breath. Fear messes with your head and the stress hormones that are released do a number on your body.

I think the problem can sometimes be focusing on the feelings, which can obscure the real issues. Especially feelings about the issues. Especially when there are serious life problems that need to be addressed and the things that actually prompt the feelings.

Unfortunately my living situation can’t be changed. My T agrees it’s not ideal, but we are all on the mortgage together and none of us qualifies on our own. Essentially, if one of us leaves, we’re all homeless.

People sell houses and move to other places all the time, even if they move to a rental. Couples divorce and manage to change their living situations. I understand that financial considerations can drive decision-making, but I don't see how anything can't be changed. There may be financial consequences you don't want to suffer, but in an objective sense you could make a different choice.

But back to the original topic, if you are unwilling to change what sounds like a negative living situation, then figuring out how to stop reacting in fear whenever they argue is a more important issue. You can't stick your head under a blanket for the rest of your life anytime you are in the proximity of conflict. Learning how to deal with conflict and not be scared of it sounds like it would really help you. Dwelling on a note you wrote to your T sounds unlikely to.

My house has dropped in value by $100,000 since we bought it. Selling it would cause us to pay thousands of dollars we don’t have. I can’t get a rental with my bad credit and I’m
Probably losing my job on Wednesday so I’ll have no income either. It is literally not feasible at all. It’s not that I’m not willing. It’s literally impossible. Also, I can’t get a rental house with a dog a cat and a pig.

So, just an update...

I didn't give him *the* note, but I wrote him a second letter yesterday explaining that I need him to be a safe person for me, and I need to be able to talk about suicide openly and without judgment or fear of consequences.

I gave it to him to read, and we talked about it. It was fine I guess. He said if I'm bringing up suicide every week then he's going to tell me he can't work with me. I guess it's not a completely forbidden topic, but only to be talked about sparingly.

This is from L. I emailed her asking how she reacts to suicidal thoughts. This is the type of T you need. I'm sorry that your T refuses to be there completely for you. You really deserve better.

Wow . I could only wish for a response like that

This is a nice response. I think a T like that would be really good for working with sui thoughts. HUGS Kit

I told.

I sent him a long email last night telling him EVERYTHING that happened in February.

And I decided if he fires me I’m fine with that. I will no longer pay a therapist that I can’t be completely open and honest with.

I’m no longer interested in “selective therapy”. If he can’t handle me, I’m not walking on eggshells anymore.

I see him Tuesday. This will either make or break our relationship. If it breaks it I think I’m done for good.

Is that your last session before he leaves for the summer?

Didn't you like that other guy? Seems like it might be worth giving him a shot regardless of how things turn out with priest therapist.

Good for you that you put your cards on the table.

I think his response will show whether he is worth his salt as a T or whether you'd be better off with a T who accepts the whole of you. And not, as you correctly point out, selective parts or only content that suits him.

I agree that therapy will only be minimally effective if clients have to keep censoring themselves..

In the meantime, keep T shopping.

No we still have three more sessions after Tuesday.

I liked the other guy, but if this goes south, that’s three bad therapists in a row. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this for, and paying $200/hr to not be heard or understood.

This must have been a really difficult thing for you to do, but I think you were right and brave to tell him everything and let the chips fall where they may. If he isn't able to help you with the problems you're having, you both need to know that so you can seek appropriate care somewhere else. It looks like you've already started doing that. This seems like a really great step for you. Good work and good luck.

Thanks.

The exact expression I used in my email was that I was just going to tell him this and let the chips fall where they may! And it’s true. I can’t keep walking on eggshells anymore. It’s not helping me.

Exactly this!!!

I worked with a “walking on eggshells” therapist for years and didn’t realize until I disengaged how much of a prisoner I became and how much it hindered my growth.

I hope this T is everything you need him to be, and if not, I know you will find someone that you can express yourself openly and honestly with.

Piggymomma, you are very brave! I hope you receive the response you deserve. I also feel a need for a space to talk about suicidal thoughts in therapy.

Thank you, piggymomma, amjay, scarlet and all for this entire thread. The thoughts about the depression cycle becoming overwhelming but it ALWAYS goes, recognizing patterns, suicidal thoughts possibly serving as a coping mechanism, having a T who accepts you and works collaboratively with you through even suicidal thoughts..all of these things have been incredibly helpful for me to read.

These are the moments that keep me coming back to Psych Central.

I view Psych Central and *every* one of you as an important part of my broad base of support.

I’ve surprisingly had NO anxiety about this. I’m ready for whatever he throws at me.

He totally came through for me. I’m so happy. He reacted exactly the way I wanted him to.

That's great Piggy_Momma!!

I'm really really glad! I was hoping it would all work out

I feel like I’m finally where I need to be in this relationship. For the first time in two years, I don’t feel like I need to walk on eggshells with him.

We are making progress...