Couch 193: The Aurora Borealis Couch

So, after a supportive email reply from T yesterday I just wanted to curl up and cry. Today I am having vivid intrusive images of T being violent with me (I have no history of the kind of violence I am seeing). They are so vivid and real that I ducked and covered my face at the fabric store... the lady in the same isle decided it might be best if she were done shopping for the day... now home and hubby is flirting. I have turned him down several times... if my brain is super sad over a positive email from T and then goes into T being violent with me I just don’t think it is a good time to put myself near anything that could truly be a trigger... H didn’t let up... then I came out with “well, the more I know of your exes the more it seems crazy turns you on”... well now he is mad, hurt my shoulder pushing me away from him (wasn’t violent, just not being aware that it was my bad shoulder)... so much for the hour of telling me he was going to support me through all of this no matter what. Cut the fabric for my next project but now feel like I need to wait until H is at work and my son is at school. This sucks.

Am trying my first dedicated gf restaurant for a late lunch/early dinner. Good!

Am considering a cupcake even.

That is scary!

@@, I just read about Ahimi--it's a vegetal created tuna. It was chef created to address over-harvesting of bluefin. BUT--it's made with soy sauce, so not GF. It just made me think about how hidden gluten can be because I would have thought, why would a "fish" contain gluten?

TBH, I think Japanese food in general would be dangerous for you.

The pasta at the restaurant was excellent. The donut—I changed from a cupcake—had that chalky aftertaste so many gf baked goods do.

But for a restaurant that serves food with none of the eight major food allergens in any of it, they were great.

FKM—thanks for the heads up! No soy sauce for me.

I am pretty sure I ate something contaminated yesterday, judging by the way my stomach felt this morning.

To me, gf baked goods often have a weirdish texture

When I was still in my abusive relationship, I read something, I can't recall exactly what it was or what it was trying to address, but it suggested doing a role play with your therapist in the role of the abuser. For some reason, my mind went straight to my therapist talking to me the way my abuser did (he was big on name-calling and saying all manner of horrible things to me) and I had a major panic attack. It's really disturbing to think of your therapist hurting you when they are always kind and compassionate towards you. I discussed this afterwards with him and he reassured me he would never talk to me that way (and also told me that's probably not the kind of role play the author had in mind). Of course, I didn't really think he would say those things to me, but I'm glad I shared with him what had happened and the effect it had on me. Do you feel comfortable sharing this incident with your therapist? Maybe he can help you figure out what triggered these thoughts.

The therapist is not always kind and compassionate to me.

I never experienced the therapist as kind or compassionate let alone both together

In this instance, I was referring to my therapist, and at the point this story happened he had always been both to me. We've had a few moments since then, but nothing we haven't managed to recover from.

Thanks, Art, good to know it felt weird to you at first as well--and that you also peeked! Not sure if this will be a recurring thing or not. I know he said with some clients he does it regularly so they can practice.

I haven't had any soda pop today but I'm eating skittles. Hmmm. Kit

This weather is garbage, had to cancel my session for tonight. Good thing I went to other T yesterday even though we didn't really discuss the 2 yrs thing much. Really need tomorrow to not be **** as well. T in the am and my game night

30 more minutes of work....ugh. Kit

You're almost there!

I will absolutely bring it up with T Monday. Usually I would call him or email him with something like this but I had a really crappy irrational emotional reaction to his last email reply (which I interpreted his tone in the email as excited and proud of me while answering my question) all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry, hurt cry not release cry... so I dont think emailing is smart right now and I am even more likely to take T out of context/have a bad reaction on the phone than email.
The very first session T established very firmly how important it was to him that I tell him if he ever did anything that hurt me or made me uncomfortable. While he has done absolutely nothing that could bring out that kind of intrusive thought I still think this falls well within that promise. I don’t have any memory of anything like what I am seeing and no family stories of anything like it... but I am also noticing I am having a lot of pain in the shoulder on the side I saw T on. Two massage therapists have asked about an old injury to that shoulder but no one remembers anything (and my family is oddly “good” about validating abusive incidents or injuries). I just want it to be Monday. I need to hear him say he will not hurt me and I want to ask him to put his hand on that shoulder... it is my right shoulder and as I think about it he is always very cautious to be to my left which we have never talked about. Ugh.

On a side note it deeply saddens me that so many peoples experiences with their T are not like what I am getting from my T. Having had ten or so crappy T’s before him it sucks but I never realized it wasn’t my fault and that healing can happen in a nurturing T relationship.

My beginner vegetarian cookbook came in the mail today. Saturday I'm going to plan a weeks worth of meals and go grocery shopping. I am committed to doing this! I don't want to just not eat meat, because I've found in the past week of doing that, I'm hungry in the evening probably because of not getting the right balance of nutrients. That's why the cookbook as it has a whole instructional section in it besides lots of recipes. I just read in the book there are different kinds of vegetarians (i knew that) but a couple I had not heard of before - flexitarian and fruitarian. My niece has been calling herself a "frutitarian" for years, haha! Flexitarians eat meat only occasionally.
I am going to be the type that eats eggs and milk. Anything stricter than that would be really difficult in my house....

Flexitarians are not vegetarians and have no right to be under the same umbrella. Hmph.

I look forward to hearing what you make!

Finished with module 10! Next up, Jovian Planet Systems....

Be sure to take a properly jovial attitude to that one.

Heh heh heh

i go to gp today so she check that i am not suicidal. then it will be another 16 days to see if my ex-t of the rigid boundaries is going to let me back. i seem to remember various couchies in the past saying his boundaries are too rigid. maybe i should have listened. anyway i still stand on the never doing therapy again.

Agreed! Lacto-ovo vegetarian here. Art, that sounds like what you are (eats eggs and dairy).

Which cookbook did you get? For basics, Deborah Madison's Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone is quite good. I go back to that one all the time.

It was freakin freezing downtown today. Well i was walking into the wind. I had my big coat snapped up head to toe, an ear wrap on, and gloves! But after my dentist appt, the sun was shining and i left my coat open. Michigan!