[ECHOES]

I had a really good session last week. It felt good. It was very intimate, she pulled me toward her and out of the state I was in when I arrived, deep within myself.

I felt myself trusting, relaxing and my body language opening up, verbally opening up, my mind relaxing from it's scrunched-up worried state.

But I can barely remember anything we talked about though! I can recall several sentences and a topic we were on briefly, but the rest I remember is just feeling.

Why it bugs me is that I like to tell her when I think a session was really good. Then she'll ask me what was good about it. Often I don't know exactly what to say. And I feel like I disappoint her if I can't tell her what she said that felt good.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in the waiting room, looking forward to telling her that the previous session felt very good and was meaningful to me and suddenly I became a frantic nervous wreck and by the time I sat down in the room I was nearly in a panic attack! About all I could get out then was that the prior session was "good", as if I have a 7-word vocabulary.... "Good" "Bad" "Yeah" "No" "I don't know"

Do you remember everything? Can you always expain why a session was good?

I want to tell her that last week was really good. It felt good, like I said. Also, I had a vision moment like I've had before. I haven't told her about that one and I don't know about telling her about this one.

The one before was a vision or feeling of a baby reaching out to the person who is leaning toward me, interested, connecting with me. T was doing this by moving her chair closer and leaning toward me and that gentle wonderful voice of hers.

This time it a vision or feeling of being with a teacher or other adult that I would hang around, hoping they would notice me (rescue me, love me). It was like I finally found that.. Like a feeling of being here, but back 'there' too, at the same time.

Well I rambled there from my questions...

Do you remember everything? Can you always expain why a session was good?

[jacq10]

Some of my best sessions with my T I have a hard time remembering the specifics. And actually, I find that the more you don't remember, the more it was helpful/enjoyable. It means you're more in the moment IMO... and sometimes a feeling, you just can't put words to. Sometimes, a feeling is more important than any explicit "cognitive process"... it gets at something deep inside of you - and that can be very difficult to describe, or even think objectively about afterwards.

Of course, this sometimes isn't very good, as you tend to want to remember every little detail about those sessions that go well. You want to hold tight to them so you never forget ... but as the saying goes, the harder you try to hold onto something, the faster you lose it (or something along those lines!)

As for telling your T about it .. say what you said here? Say you're not sure of the specifics of what was especially helpful, but just that she helped to bring you into the present, and "relax from it's scrunched-up worried state." There's nothing wrong with that!


Jacq

[tulips30]

jacq.....your post made me well up in tears. Not sure why yet cause I'm still looking for a tissue

I have felt this way several times and never said anything to anybody, especially my T. Thought it was me disassociating cause I do that. But, this feels different. It feels like I just get lost in a good way. Peaceful. I always try to remember details. I want them to hold onto and recreate in my mind.

I'm thinking now that they are just really good sessions where I am feeling everything. Mostly...safe.

thanks...............tulips

[chaotic13]

My experience has been this. I remember explicit details of my initial therapy appointments. I think this was because I was very anxious and all my senses were on high alert. What I actually said was closely screened and analyzed before being said. My brain seemed to record ever word spoke and I replayed the recording over and over and over again in my head. I think part of this was my tendency to want to prepare a scripted set of possible responses of the follow-up sessions. I'm a freak I know!

Now that I've chilled out a bit our exchanges seem a bit more extemporaneous. I don't seem to be remembering as much of the details.

Maybe we can't be focused on specific content details AND be receptive to the non-verbal cues and internal sensations all at the same time.

I feel better during the sessions now, which is good. But I think I liked having the mental playback available when I want it.

Maybe there is a way to capture the attention to detail (ability to focus) that visceral fear affords without actually being so scared that you can't relax and be in the moment.

[jacq10]

((((tulips)))))
The more i keep posting on here, the more i realize just how much one person can have an effect on another. Something someone says, a gesture ... it just reaches out and has the potential for so much good and understanding.

I didn't realize i felt this way about sessions until i read Echoes post either. And it wasn't until i was actually writing that i made that connection.

So thank you (((((echoes))))) for being this initiation. I hope you too feel better after reading people's comments, validating how you feel too.

to all

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( ECHOES ))))))))))))

[tulips30]

((((Jacq))))..........I understand everything you have said. Due to my online nature, I "lurk" more than actively participate. I guess I spend too much time trying to figure out how to word what I am feeling.

I am finding that just "jumping" in with thoughts & questions here is opening doors to support and sooo much knowledge. I guess so many of us with mental health "issues" are used to keeping the door closed pretty tight on that part of our lives because of reactions & misconceptions from others. Due to this, it's often so surprising & reassuring to me when somebody voices something that really hits home. It feels very good to not always be so alone & afraid that I am "freaky" or something

Anyway, thank you to all of you who are just here & willing to open these doors to me.

tulips