Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I want to schedule two sessions the week after your vacation.

Dear T,
In an attempt to be more productive with my feelings and actually fill in the "creative" part of my tracking thing I created, I ordered some painting supplies on Amazon. Was able to get free same-day delivery, so maybe can attempt first one tonight or tomorrow.
Love,
LT

Back to feeling down again.

neuro in 9 days.

Dear T,
Thanks for writing back. And for saying it's OK to miss someone.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
And referencing something you said in your reply, maybe part of the issue is that I'm fighting against missing you. Maybe I do just need to accept that I do and move forward.
Love,
LT

I wonder what is happening.

You have reduced me to reading Zizek. There are lots of reasons for me to resent you, but this has to be the creme de la creme, the evental fall. See?! I don't even know if I am channeling Muriel Spark or some Marxist two-bit philosopher. Even wine doesn't help this $hit.

Actually, that's not quite true, wine helps quite a lot.

I'm still not sure how to acknowledge positive things in my life without feeling that I'm an ungrateful brat.

Hi L. I really hate that you moved the creepy woman picture to the wall next to the couch. With her that much closer I feel like she's watching me even more. Ugh.

I wonder what you will think when I tell you this.

"Lovesick the beat inside my head."

So far 4 days no email.

Group went horribly on Friday.. I don't ever want to go back. Where are you? Nowhere.

A tantrum by any other name is still a tantrum, isn't it...

If you weren't dealing with your mom right now, I would probably vent my rage and frustration with some texts.

I'm sorry to call you on the weekend...I was really trying not to until I woke up to H this morning. I don't know why I called if I already SH afterwards and I don't know whether to tell you that or not. I'm worried that you'll mention the hospital again if I tell you. Maybe it'll be better if you don't call back.

Mayday! Mayday!

Dear T,
I want to show you the painting I did today. I think you’d like it. Will just show you a pic next Monday. Safe travels.
Love,
LT

t3

I guess I will finally get to go back to therapy regularly. I will never call you "My T" but rather a "T I see" and please keep the distance you have with me and I hope you still tick me off regularly, I know it's stupid to pick you as a T, but I really NEED this, one who is about the work and not the nonsense. If I do (God forbid) become attached, I will sadly have to ghost you. I can not deal with that again.

Let's see how this works out, hopefully I wont need you anymore after the year ends.

Am I going to have an appointment this week? Or have you just not contacted yet to say you won't be coming? Or maybe your mom has died and the receptionist will be calling tomorrow to say you'll be out for a while. I wish I knew.

I feel bad.

Thanks for being responsive to my emails.

I felt like I bothered you tonight by calling earlier. I wanted to say more but my kids wouldn't leave me alone. I guess we'll talk about it tomorrow evening.

Dear Ex-Therapist -

I’ve been waking up in a sweat due to therapy nightmares again.

It’s hard to acknowledge that you damaged a piece of me that I can’t fix through will power. I’ve lost faith that anything except time will help lessen the pain.

I’m still angry with you but the anger has no place to go. I know that I can’t change you, but despite everything I still have the rescue fantasy that you’ll magically appear and take away the anger and pain.

Sadly, I know I will continue to deal with this alone. I’m sure you’re sleeping soundly somewhere and that I’m long forgotten.

Dear T,

I am tired of you being out of the office so much lately. Any chance your schedule is going to let up soon?

Thanks T, I'm looking forward to seeing you on Wed. Not sure how 2x a week is going to work in practice, with our schedules. I appreciate how hard you try to help me.

Dear T,

I worry that I am frustrating, I worry that I am annoying you, I worry that you are getting tired of dealing with me, and I worry about things ending before I am ready.