Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I’m not cut out for therapy. I can’t leave your office each week wondering if I should take a break from therapy. I’m dealing with this by myself and no one understands including you.

Really don't know why I even bother. Just asking for it, right? I shouldn't be upset over something so petty, so why am I?

Treble Clef,

I wasn't too impressed with you today, it just seemed like you were rambling endlessly about pointless analogies. Also wish you would have given me some notice about you going on vacation, I will have to wait 12 days to see you instead of 7. A heads up beforehand would have been nice instead of just mentioning at the end of the session that you will be away.

-Butterfly

That was not what I was expecting. Right now it doesn't feel like it will be helpful. Clearly today I needed more. I don't blame you. Just... why does it have to be the weekend

I Told you I didn’t need a response but I think I lied. Please reply to my email. Things are hard lately and I need to know that someone out there cares.

I am out of my tree, driving around town looking for you I haven't done that for a few years.

I suck at doing rewarding things for myself. I just felt so undeserving of anything good yesterday.

Thanks for today. Mostly for really hearing me. And for not sounding the least bit judging or whatever but only matter of fact when you agreed with me about the blame thing. I kinda wish you weren't on vacation next week. I'm going to really work on that thing we talked about with h. The 3 times thing. I think it will be helpful.

I wish I had remembered what my question was about complexes, darn it.

I'm glad I came back for the summer.

Also I know it makes sense I'm not remembering dreams while I'm in this super creative process with my poems. But I miss them.

I still wish you would email me back. *sigh* I am so stupid sometimes.

How would you feel if I said I wanted to go 2x per week for a while?

Dear T,
Sorry. SORRY. sorry.
Love,

LT

I wonder how your mom is doing.

T: Alcohol is the only thing calming my anxiety at night.

Dear No. 3,

It was two years ago yesterday that we had our real termination session. Quite a bit of it you spent encouraging me to try writing.

I did. And yesterday, two years later, my first story was published. Neat ring composition, huh?

I’m still mad and hurt and sad at and about you, though.

ATAT

I wish you were around on the weekends

I realised I seemed to have been enmeshed with you and wanted you to tell me how to feel and what to do. It very much feels like my relationship with my ex.

That sounds like a very good insight.

I think it is. It might explain why therapy kind of came to a standstill in the past couple of years. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't work out what.

I wish I called you yesterday when I was thinking about it. Then maybe you would have offered to talk to me again today like you did last week. And this week trumps last week by a lot.

Not sure what the best thing would be to hope for, for you and your family. Not that me hoping for something can help any damn way...

T: Insomnia, its so fun. I just had a minor heart attack in bed thinking I sent a private email to my boss to the entire team...but thank G*d it seems like I didn't. That would have been HORRIBLE.

I should be used to it by now, but it still genuinely surprises me any time you express real genuine emotions about my childhood stuff. I want that reaction from you, but it feels so misplaced and wrong when I actually get it. I want to reassure that it's fine, tell you not to look so sad, it doesn't actually matter, the child was just me. Somehow I don't think that would help.

Dear T,
I wish I hadn't sent that email. I want to send another that's just like "Never mind, you don't have to reply, sorry. I'll be fine." And I wish I knew what your actual travel schedule was--not like exactly where you're going (though I'd like to know that, too), like when you'll actually be in the potentially WiFi-free place. Because maybe you're there already and don't have WiFi. Or maybe you're not traveling till tonight or tomorrow. But since you wouldn't even confirm you were traveling at all, obviously, you wouldn't have told me that. Though, like I said, what, are you just maybe gonna turn off the WiFi in your house for 10 days?

I just feel like I should have discussed some things about your traveling more in session yesterday, like how to hold onto the attachment. Because it already feels gone, maybe because I didn't feel it yesterday like I usually do? I think I was trying to keep my distance emotionally, though I let some stuff out in the end. I think I was thrown off by your asking early on if I had an agenda for the session. As in your email reply earlier in the week, you'd said we should start with the vacation stuff. And yeah, you asked me about why I'm worried about you dying while traveling more so then than at other times and we discussed that a little. And we joked a bit about things related to your travel. But you seemed more sensitive and caring in the email than in session--maybe your brain was already in vacation mode? I should have seen you Thursday instead of yesterday... And then to say "Enjoy" at the end? I know it's one of your things to say, but I told you before that it bothers me when you say that if it's been a tough session. I wish you'd have spent a minute or two reassuring me at the end, or even just 30 seconds over the handshake. At least you said "take care." And I thought you were going to say something else to me as I was leaving, but you were just asking if I had my water bottle...It's going to be a long 10...well, I guess 9 days now. Glad I'm seeing R on Tuesday instead of Thursday.

Love,
LT

L, if it's not about blame, then why did you say it at all?

Whoa.

Because it is information and useful information at that. It's shining a light on a dark, hidden area so that we can work there.

But.

Doesn't light make shadows?

I am so confused.