Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Dear T,
Maybe I'm also bothered that you seemed to forget a few things today. Like when you asked me if we had a dog, when a few weeks ago we spent at least 15 minutes discussing the fact that we have no pets and were contemplating getting one. And I've told you the story of the dog we briefly adopted before. Or you asking me if I was still doing running, when we had a conversation about that a few weeks (maybe a month or two?) ago, how I realized it's not my thing, plus it's not like I ever ran, just walked, though you'd call it "running" and I'd just go with it sometimes. And I checked that I did in fact send the email to you about getting an appointment with backup T, when today you seemed like it was the first time you'd heard of it (I don't care that you didn't reply to the email, was just an FYI, but I figured you'd at least read it and recall it a few days later?). Perhaps you do just need a vacation...
Love,
LT

I'm really not enjoying this. Please help me.

Dear T: I did the yoga video (well most of it) tonight that you suggested. It helped a tiny bit with the anxiety while I was doing it. Not so much after. Alcohol is helping with that bit. I want to feel okay again. It feels like I never will.

t3

I officially survived the most AKWARD therapy convo of my life. I nearly died a few times, but thank you for being kind and for pushing me to make eye contact with you. I really needed it. Thank you for not judging me. I will try not to keep shaming myself over it.

I'm scared to meet with you again. I hate that. I hate being so afraid. Then I run and hide in porn. I've been running a lot, I need to stop. But how can I??!

I'm feeling close to you right now, especially after this most recent session. I think that means it's time to sabotage things, right?

I am SO intensely ANGRY at you. You went away forever. I realize the problem is within me, I have attachment issues. But it was excruciating and my job was to 'tolerate' how I felt. So, I felt abandoned and then I got angry at myself because it doesn't make sense for me to be angry at you. But the thing is, I am realizing, is that I still do get enraged/angry but I stuff it down. So, I told you it felt ilke you were torturing me, or not keeping me in mind Intellectually, I totally get it. But emotionally I am a wreck. I feel as low as I have ever. Because this is just not going away. I have the worst headaches everyday. I am struggling at home and it isn't getting better. I have been looking at codependent stuff like you told me.
I don't have any hope anymore. And I just don't care. I am not suicidal, but if euthenasia were an option, I one hundred percent would choose that now. I am not getting this across to you somehow how unsafe I feel, how horrible I feel.

I weeded my garden when I got home, and suddenly you popped into my head, a memory of the end of a session a long time ago.

"Be fearless," you said then, and again today in my head when I weeded the garden.

I didn't think finding my voice would be quite this painful, but maybe it's a good thing that I've waited this long and that I chose this path, because I was able to be clear and measured and true.

ExT a large you shaped cloud hung over me all day it threatened to rain on me several times.

20 hours, 32 minutes and 9 seconds.

i really wish i had asked you for a 2nd session this week. i am an emotional wreck right now. i don't really know why i'm not handling things better.

Artie.

There's isn't a set way you're supposed to be able to cope.Please email her and ask.

Huh only 17 hours 50 mins and 36 secs now.

Agreed. You're going through a lot right now, it makes sense to be emotional. Maybe see if she has something today or Friday, in addition to Thursday? Or if you could possibly have a longer session Thursday? (I thought I recalled her allowing that, but maybe not?)

Dear T,
Thanks for being so understanding in your response. I'm glad you seem to get it and don't think I'm pathetic or anything. You're right that this is mainly about holding onto the attachment, which is something I struggle to do with most anyone, not just you. And I'm glad that you don't expect me to be there just yet. I feel I'll be able to get there, just need patience. And perhaps we can put some more focus on that issue in general, the holding of attachment to people.
Love you,
LT

I think you partly understood what I was saying yesterday because you said what I was thinking...that I would really need someone to make that decision for me. But then you turned it around and said, "what about being involved in your treatment?" I didn't know how to respond to that. It's more that I'm absolutely scared shitless that I'm overreacting and going to make the wrong decision and mess things up more at home. You said that I'd let you know one way or the other if I need to go in, and I definitely know I won't say it. So what now? Are you giving up on me too? Is that why you're bringing up the hospital after a year or does it have to do with CPS calling you?

I reached out to a possible new therapist.
I feel like I'm betraying you.
But I don't know what else to do.

T: i did it. i talked to my boss for a bit today. i most likely am not getting fired, which is good. she knows for sure i’d rather be assistant. i guess we’ll see how it goes from here. we’re going to talk after the 4th. eek.

Well I raised my voice to you today for the first time ever. How was that for you?

Well I just about burst my boiler crying just then when I pulled my therapy bag out of the cupboard, just looking at it sent me over the edge I don't really want to l ok inside. It is at the back of the cupboard where hopefully I won't come across it again.

I know that all you want from me/for me is to feel safe and relaxed in session. I’m sorry that is so hard.

You may want to put out an extra box of Kleenex before I get there today. Just sayin'.

I am not okay today. See you in a few.

It's not a coincidence she's doing that. Not some sort of oversight. I don't understand people. I feel like an alien.