Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Worse, he was being """"objective""""
smugly arrogantly not taking sides and feeling superior because he could point out how neither of my parents were perfect, so clearly there was wrongdoing on both sides and he was so much more enlightened than those of us who were emotionally invested in the matter
I don't know if you've read Why Does He Do That, but the part about abusive men in custody disputes and the responses from judges/courts/therapists/guardians ad litem/etc is disturbingly accurate. It really felt like it was written about my father specifically. It was everything I'd tried to get so many people over so many years to understand about how my father operated, but already written out by someone who somehow understood all of it without ever having known my father.

"Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple’s problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn’t abuse."
"Custody evaluators sometimes become fervent advocates for abusive men, joining them in accusing the women of alienating children from their fathers and refusing to consider the evidence of abuse. "

I think this is a pretty big something, to have a so-called "expert" completely invalidate your very real experience, not to mention that there were some pretty concrete consequences when it came to decisions about where you were supposed to spend your time.

I'm sorry, LabRat. That's just so so not okay that the adults and system that should have believed you and protected you failed miserably.

I don't think this is a small thing either. I sorry you weren't listened to when you were a child.

T in 31 mins.

A lanister always pays his debts. I just hope I don't resent you for charging me for a missed session when you've never done before. BUT I have missed a lot previously .

Dear T,
Uh...the reason I tied the stuff you said about parenting into how you are as a parent is because you prefaced it with something like, "This is how I try to parent."

Otherwise, your email response was pretty good.
Love,
LT

I miss you and it really hurts.

Dear T,
OK, I'm going to reframe this (see, more progress!) Maybe this isn't just about my ascribing something to you. Maybe it's about my ascribing things to *anyone*. Assuming that because someone talks the talk, they also walk the walk. Sort of like Facebook syndrome, where I see photos of a happy couple or family and assume that everything is wonderful with them all the time (forgetting that I also tend to post more positive photos and things, and everything certainly isn't wonderful with me or us all the time). Maybe, like ex-MC, you yell at your son sometimes. Maybe you aren't so accepting of certain things about him. Maybe you judge him. Maybe you lead him to feel shame. Do I want you to tell me those things? I don't know. Because I admit it was very difficult when ex-MC would talk about screaming at his kids, like yelling as his son till his son asked if he still loved him. That was confusing to me,but I think it also helped me see that he might be a certain person in session, to me, but that doesn't mean he's that way in the outside world.

I don't have quite the same illusions of you as a parent, I don't think. Perhaps because you don't come across as warm and fuzzy like ex-MC and because you've even said things like you're not a hugger in real life (part of why you don't do that with clients either). So I don't have this image of you holding your son when he cries, for example. Hm, or maybe it's partly that you have a son, not a daughter...

Uh, what was my point? I guess that reading that part of your email and thinking it's just about you and interpreting it as being slightly defensive isn't going to help me. Because I don't think that's how you meant it. I think you're genuinely trying to figure out why I jump from your talking about how parents should be to assuming that's how you are as a parent. You want to know how transference works for me, why it works in that particular way. Because I imagine that says a lot about my unmet needs and how I go about trying to meet them. It's interesting that I *don't* see you as some sort of ideal husband no matter what you've mentioned about your own marriage (only a bit), marriage counseling, how some things H says to me bother you, etc. While I felt that to some extent with ex-MC at one point. And the paternal transference isn't generally there toward you either, for that matter. It's just coming out right now, I think because we're delving into childhood stuff so much lately.

Hm...I wonder also...could it be that I've now fully let go of my attachment to ex-MC, of my paternal transference for him, so now it's like I need a new transference target? And you're sitting right there in front of me, talking about how a parent should be and how my parents weren't what I needed in many ways. And despite your only being 7 years older than me, and having a kid not far from my D's age, this part of me thinks of what it could have been like to have a father who is like I imagine you to be. I have quite a bit to think about before Monday, it seems. And there are many productive ways I can take this, rather than just making it about our relationship. Because I got stuck in that with ex-MC, and I don't want to do that here. And you certainly don't want me to do that either--because you know that's not going to help me in the long run. And that's what to happen here. I don't want to be tied to you forever. I do want you to help me out of the nest, to help me learn to swim in the deep end by myself (as much as another part of me wants to metaphorically cling to your leg for dear life, that's not going to help me). And I think you're the T who can help me do that.

Love,
LT

Struggling somewhat with the ramifications of everything. I am grateful that you are mindful of the way you present things...I didn't get that before.


It's gonna make for an interesting next few sessions, I think. Hopeful that we will be able to continue working together.

See on tuesday!

P.s thanks for apologizing for your comment before the break.

Exam countdown = 7 days

Screw you, t3. I have basically lost interest in working with you but if I change my mind someday, it's going to take ages to trust you. You have no reason to pretend to care either, it's obvious you don't. Idk why I gave you another chance. You suck

I really am dreading our break over the summer. So. Much. Anxiety.

I miss you already.

I miss you T.

7 hours

Dear Old T,

Thank you for a good last session today. I'll miss you.

-Butterfly

We have three sessions left until September. I can do this. I can.

I'm doing ok so far with knowing I might need surgery. I know I can count on h to help me through it. A little nervous of course but will have questions for the surgeon on Monday.

When I said I wanted a four month break, I didn't mean that I wanted a four month break!! Now what am I supposed to do?? It was a test! You were supposed to be aghast at the thought of not seeing me over the summer and beg me to stay. It was a test, a test!! You failed! I failed.

Oh and by the way, I hate you for having moved us into your spare bedroom. Those liberal, pseudo-intellectual books on the bedside are repulsive. I don't want my therapy in a room where your stupid friends and cloying family sleep and have sex and hang out. Urgh. You are increasingly intolerable. There is a bed right there in the therapy room!! Right there!! I mean, even Freud wasn't that obvious.

Sorry again I was so late. I hope you can still bill for the usual code.

You are the only T I want, the others stink. I can't do this anymore. You gave up on me and I am giving up on me too.

Dear T,
Thanks for the email reply just saying "roger that" to what I said about discussing on Monday and telling me to have a good weekend. It's those little touches that i particularly appreciate. Because you don't have to do that, I wasn't expecting a reply to my reply. I'd reply to tell you to have a good weekend, too, but I sort of want to leave it at your reply to me...
Love,
LT

Thank you. You really are special. And wonderful. I miss you so much!