Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Dear T: So tonight I had two drinks which is the most I've had since end of January maybe. OMG, how the anxiety quieted down. I know it is a *good* thing I haven't been drinking, but to feel so much less anxious is amazing.

On a scale of one to ten, how big of a liar are you?

I don't care if it's 3 months away, I woke up angry at you and dreaming of pharmacology. Why do you even need another holiday you just came back?

*primal scream of rage*

T, can’t we go more than three days without it turning bad again??

Ugh, T, just ugh. Is it me or you??

For the most part you handled things well today, but...

I've told you before that it bothers me when you focus on how saying cruel things to myself is "hurting myself" without even really acknowledging that I told you that I didn't do so physically. That that's really hard and it's progress and this time I didn't even spend that long being cruel towards myself and waited to talk it over with you first, and I would have liked some acknowledgment of that. I told you all of this and you still didn't seem to see it as an accomplishment. It was like you acknowledged it to humor me.

If the non physical stuff is just as bad then I might as well do both.
I'm trying to want positive attention instead of negative attention but you're making it hard.
...i wanted you to be proud of me and tell me it mattered and that you cared and you were glad I didn't hurt myself

It feels like you keep moving the goalposts and nothing is good enough.

Hi R,

You asked me to reach out. That entails being able to organise my words, and fend off the Critic. The Critic is still adamant that I am doing the wrong thing, when all I am trying to do is the right thing, whatever that may be. I am trying to hold myself together, and not sure how much longer I can do so. In the midst of everything, I need to know that you are not expecting me to hold it together.

Thanks,

Lost

I actually spent most of today sleeping on and off in bed. Creepy guy knocked on my door twice but I don't feel like I have the energy to do small talk so I didn't answer. But he called me so I answered.

You already don't feel real and I don't know why I'm reacting to your vacation news now when you don't go away for 11 weeks and then only for a month not 2 or 3,. Maybe I'll be doing my own thing by then, but I'm always stuck doing exams in the summer.

I want to cut down on sessions and not be so stupidly dependent on you. Maybe I just want to try someone new.

I bet you would really like an angry text from me right about now.

I just want to hang out with you today. You can finish marking exams. I’ll just sit there and read a book, comforted by your presence.

Pay attention to me right this minute! I feel bad! Help me!

i'm glad that i feel like i can call you if i need a little extra support on monday depending on what the surgeon says. i am pretty sure i'll be ok and won't need to because appendix surgery is pretty routine and stuff, but i don't know how i am going to react. when i had to have my gall bladder removed back in 2002 it was an emergency situation and there was no time to think and stew and worry about it like i have now... i think it's just this condition i apparently have is called 'rare' in the stuff i've been reading, so that concerns me.

I hope you check your email soon and I hope you’re not annoyed by me.

Ugh. Sorry about all the typos in my email last night. I’m not normally that poor of a writer.

I don’t know what happened. I'm sorry.

Dear M,

I'm white-knuckling it through the next 10 days until I can see you again. I'm nervous yet excited for this session. I don't expect it to be easy because I know you're going to ask me to talk about my relationships. This topic would be easier if it weren't for him...

Dr. D.:
I feel like I was intrusive in asking you questions. I inadvertently put you in a no-win situation. I have nobody else to blame but myself. I couldn't have chosen a worse time to do that. I wasn't asking you so I can adopt all of your views/positions, I was curious, though, about your position on things. . i feel absolutely horrible, like a big nobody. I am SO devastated and angry at myself for being such a loser. I really feel so intensely humiliated. I don't blame you. and really, I don't blame myself. There's really not a handbook detailing how one goes about building a self. You tell me to do things I like, and some things I can do, like drive south, go to the beach. But when it comes to me volunteering or trying to do something that interests me, I have such odd likes and it's not like I can find anything.

Even here, safe at home, I feel like completely losing it, yet I have to keep the facade going. I am quite genuine at home and with you, at least genuine to whatever ego state I am experiencing. While I am completely overwhelmed, I will be okay.

Do you think about me between sessions?

i'm still angry at you and I feel like canceling my sessions for this week.

It's because your going away with her again. You love her and not me. I'm jealous of a child what does that say about me?

Of course you would, but i don't feel like i can bring this up with you.

I'm really struggling with missing you and it's not even time for your vacation yet. Ugh. This is going to be awful.

Can our next session just be 50 minutes of you reading descriptions of parts of my childhood and saying "that sounds horrible" in that same tone of voice?

I'm not angry just sad and I'm sorry.

You would love this dog I'm pet sitting and I would have brought her to meet you. Sigh.... everything sucks now. When can I find joy in it all again?

I am soooo bored. I am trying to think of something else to email you but so far - I got nothin.