Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

This is me too. I can't even use the word former.

Dear M,

Oh my goodness...where do I begin? I met you today for the first time, after months of half-hearted searches for a therapist whom I could connect with. It's a bit of a drive to your office in the next city but at this point I don't care anymore. My very first impression of you was that you were young, cute and friendly. I loved your office space - it was modern and cozy and I can totally get on board with the white noise machines you have to drown out the sound from clients in the neighboring rooms. Though I liked you off the bat, what sold me was the way you sat in your chair. Something about how you sat cross-legged put me at ease and made me instantly comfortable with you. I liked that we spent as much time chatting as we did discussing legitimate details about my history. You asked me about my past experiences with therapy, medication and mental health issues. I actually prefer this, rather than sitting down for the first time with a therapist just for them to start right away with "so what brings you here?" I struggle with vulnerability and you managed to ease me into discussing painful topics. I appreciate that. I am SO excited to begin working with you, especially when it comes to my attachment issues, relationship history and other tough subjects. Usually at the beginning of the therapy process, the thought of crying in front of a therapist makes me cringe. Not this time. I haven't felt this way about a therapist since I was a teenager. I thought I'd never find a T like the ones I had back then. I hope you'll prove me wrong.

We agreed to weekly sessions but the receptionist told me you're booked solid next week. Ugh...this is going to be a long two weeks! Thank you so much for giving me something to look forward to.

And for those reading this who know a bit about my history...yes, I am fully aware that I am transferring my insecure attachment from my ex-boyfriend onto my therapist. But at least she won't up and leave when she realizes how "clingy" I am.

If there's anything at all I'm unsure of, it's that she is pretty young...around 30. I'm 24. I would never see a therapist within a couple years of my age because the thought of being so open with someone who could be one of my peers makes me uncomfortable. Can anyone relate? I'm hoping it won't be an issue down the road. I depend on the therapist to be older/wiser than I am - something about this puts me at ease.

I am finally, after almost two years, where I need to be in this relationship. Thank you.

Thank you for coming through, T. Thank you so much...

I'm already crying and I don't see you for almost a week.... Ugh. This does not bode well for my next appointment.

It’s feeling a bit like one step forward, two steps back.

Dear Info,

You make no sense. First, you say you want to see me before you leave to speak at a conference. Then, when I write back that time and date is fine, you’ve already booked it and have nothing else?

Since I didn’t want to see you, I’m OK with that. But I wonder if you just wanted me to know you were presenting at a conference in the vain hope of impressing me?

ATAT

You're asking me to give up the most effective coping mechanism I've had.
You're asking me to give up the thing that I turn to when my own mind is unbearable.
You're asking me to give up the one constant, the one thing that's been there with me since this whole thing started,

I was all alone and it was the only thing I had.
You're asking me to give up something that feels like part of who I am.

It's there for me the 166 hours a week that you aren't. It was there for me before you. It was there for me when you abandoned me. It will be there for me even if you abandon me again.

Do you have any idea what you're asking of me?

Me too. That is why I still say T and Emdr T. Even though it has been almost a year she is always be my T.

Fighting the tremendous urge to run away.

Day 2, T, still need your help.

Me too, I can't use the word former either.

Dear T: why didn't we discuss SUI last session? We danced around it. I didn't bring it up explicitly, so that is my fault. But why couldn't you have asked questions when I said stuff like, well not if I die. Were you just not paying me heed? Did you think I'm okay because I haven't SH-ed. See that's one reason why I need SH, it can communicate that I'm not okay when I'm not communicating with words. Yes, I know it's something I need to work on. But I'm not there yet. Can you help me or not? Kit

You're stupid and I hate you for leaving me.

Don't even bother turning up tomorrow.

I'm not going to stop fighting you.

Go use the time to save the planet and cause London to lose millions in your stupid protests.

I think I have adult ADHD. Will you do the assessment with me?

I'm surprised my by emotional reaction and I thought I was getting better. I actually started to cry and i'm grateful I don't have anything to hurt myself with.

Everything has a time and a place.

It's okay if I don''t do all of my exams early. Normal examination period is just fine.

What's the point in rushing anyway?Go home so I can be sworn at? If I'm depressed here. I'm depressed there. It's all the same.

Just going to watch something to distract myself then just sleep.

P.s I don't hate you.

If the circumstances haven't changed why would I change my behavior?
This is probably ****** of me, but I want to get something in exchange for this.

I'm not sure what exactly. Maybe a text from time to time? I'd say a hug or something but that would certainly never happen. Maybe it's for the best because it would probably be disappointing compared to the fantasy perfect hug.

But something that, when I'm hurting and resentful and feel like it doesn't matter, I can know that I have as a not quite trade, that feels like you're invested in this too I guess. That I'm not alone.

You spelt "lose" "loose". Apart from that your email was okay.

I think I hate you a little for this.

You would be so proud of me for meeting up for coffee yesterday. I wish I could tell you

Three days to go, i am stupid to think that you really meant that we work together for as long as it takes, your words. Was this just another hook to reel me in? you are supposed tor remove these hooks before letting go.

I wish I wasn't so insane.
I wish the smallest and most stupidest things didn't set me off.
I couldn't sleep well last night and now i'm up at 5am and i'm still crying.

You in 4 hours and 46 mins and i don't want to see you.
I hate being so attached and needy.

My mom finally went through her old stuff and sent me the report.
I need you now, not almost 48 hours from now.
This is what I meant. I do have to deal with these things alone. You can say that I have our sessions, but that doesn't make me any less alone. I don't get to have you here when I need you.

I don't know if I even want to let you read it.
I was 13. Everything in there about me makes me cringe. I was so ****ing melodramatic. Why couldn't I have just acted like a ****ing adult? No wonder they didn't believe me. My own behavior disgusts me.

I really really need to work through this with you.
I really really need you to read it and tell me it doesn't reflect terribly on me as a person.
I really really need you to tell me that it doesn't sound like I was just a melodramatic little **** who was as much an instigator as a victim.
I really really need you to tell me that you feel something other than annoyance at the girl described in the report.
Can you read that and still think I didn't deserve it?
Can you read that and not see an obnoxious intolerable unlovable piece of ****?
You're going to think less of me.
You're going to see that I wasn't blameless or innocent. You're going to understand why I didn't deserve protection. You're going to realize that I was unworthy.

I need you and you're not here and this is exactly why it's not off the table because right now it's all I have.

So cue another crappy week of not feeling things are resolved, missing you, and so on.

I would be seeing you in 1 hour