Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

LostOnTheTrail · May 28, 2019, 10:59 AM

I'm a stranger in my own skin again. Acknowledging the anger brings with it the sadness.

Doesn't feel worthy of an email, especially when I can't get the words right.

LabRat27 · May 28, 2019, 02:48 PM

Possible trigger:

I kind of vaguely want to die but not like a few weeks ago. I feel bad thinking about telling you though because it's so minor. I feel like I'd just be trying to get sympathy or something. Maybe I'm tricking myself into feeling this way for attention.

Lemoncake · May 28, 2019, 03:36 PM

Just exhausted.

Flight back to london tomorrow.Bus ticket is for 7am which obviously means I have to be up before then.

4 more exams to go:

Uro - 6th june
Derm
Neuro
Radio

But I don't feel like I have any energy left for therapy.

Ginger Mary · May 28, 2019, 03:37 PM

Dear T
I really want to please you but I seem to always fail and don't feel worthy of your help.

chihirochild · May 28, 2019, 05:07 PM

Dear T,

My vacation is over and I'm back in the throes of residency and it is already making me miserable.

Possible trigger:

Sometimes it feels like the only way out is to die.

-C

WarmFuzzySocks · May 28, 2019, 05:37 PM

T, remember when I said I wasn't anxious about meeting with the kids' dad's therapist? That was true. When I said it. A week ago.

The meeting is tomorrow.

velcro003 · May 28, 2019, 08:29 PM

T: You are right. I am only holding on by my fingernails and I can see no way out. I'm scared.

3rd rock · May 28, 2019, 09:00 PM

I think you are blaming the victim. Everything is my fault. The ineffectiveness of your treatment isn't your fault. You don't listen to me when I tell you what I need.

LabRat27 · May 28, 2019, 09:37 PM

That wasn't as awkward as I thought. Thanks. Still never want to discuss it with you ever again, but good talk.

Elio · May 28, 2019, 10:01 PM

I think we might be getting closer to being back on track. Well that is until I need what I needed before and it blew up; and I have to process through all of it again. You are still somewhat split. Not as bad as before. I'm clearly back to loving you and that feels good.

Echos Myron redux · May 29, 2019, 09:31 AM

Well that was really quite something. "People don't say that to me very often". You don't say?

SheHulk07 · May 29, 2019, 10:05 AM

I think I may have figured out what may contributing to my sudden increase in anxiety, but I don't want to solely blame it on a physical thing. However I did just increase my thyroid medication on the 10th so the timing fits.

May 29, 2019, 12:36 PM

Lots of dreams lately but you have not been in any of them. Hmph!

LabRat27 · May 29, 2019, 05:56 PM

T who isn't my T,
I have no good reason to want or need a hug today. Can you offer one again anyway? Can that be a regular thing? I doubt it, but it would be nice.
I'm sure you'd give me a hug if I asked, but I don't want to be weird and needy and desperate and pathetic.
I'd like to get a hug from you without a motorcycle jacket with full level 2 armor. I didn't get to really feel your arms around me. God, that sounds stupid. I'll still wait to put my jacket on until I get to my bike this time though. Just in case you ask.

susannahsays · May 29, 2019, 06:36 PM

Yesterday, did you say, "You're right, I'm really angry," or "You're right, you're really angry?" I think it was the former, but I'm not 100%. I don't want to ask you and make you think I can't handle it if you're angry. I can. I'm just irritated because I'm not sure if that's what you said. Then again, your tone and words suggested you were rather angry. So I guess even if you didn't say so, I know you were.

May 29, 2019, 08:08 PM

I am sorry about the email, truly I feel so stupid asking to come home, who do I think I am? Who do I think you are? It would be nice though.

velcro003 · May 29, 2019, 08:56 PM

Any reason you stopped hugging me? Am I giving out an extra "don't hug me" vibe? You've rubbed my back twice, which was nice too. I will never say this to you.

Lemoncake · May 29, 2019, 09:21 PM

I haven't been home since Christmas, but i'm actually having fun. Maybe it's cause i'm only here for three days but It's nice to just spend time with my kid sisters and Belle .

LabRat27 · May 29, 2019, 11:07 PM

Possible trigger:

ok now I like actively want to die and I need you. I don't want to wait until Friday.

LabRat27 · 12:10 AM

I want to imagine what you would say and hear your voice in my head but I can't
I really should ask you for something physical, even a note or something, so that I have something I can hold onto
But I'm too ashamed and embarrassed and worried you'll think it's stupid

My brain is really bad right now.

Possible trigger:

if I still had my suture kit I'd be using it tonight

May 30, 2019, 04:34 AM

I totally misunderstood everything, I was taken in.

11:31 AM

It was still the right thing to do, even if I feel a little sad at the realization that I kinda ran away.

LabRat27 · May 30, 2019, 12:20 PM

I want to text you to confirm our appointment time for tomorrow. I know what time it is. I don't need to confirm it. But I want to feel some little bit of connection even if it's just that.
Pathetic, right?
Don't worry, I won't actually do it.

Possible trigger:

I'll hurt myself instead. But telling you that would be manipulative, so I won't tell you