Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I like that last line. Maybe it is? Possibly for both the therapist and the client?

You know that card I keep where I write down all the nice stuff you say about me- I'm copying everything out again onto a bigger card because I've run out of space on the original

I feel sad now. Like it wasn't a proper session, because it wasn't the right day, and it was out of our usual routine. I miss you now. Like I haven't missed you in a while.

Well I made it past the halfway mark. Five more days.
I guess I have a pretty major development to tell you about.
Hopefully you'll find it reassuring that I recognized what was going on and immediately addressed it.
But I'm also kind of hoping it will still freak you out a bit.

I wonder what you'll think of the lithium. I know you and pdoc have different opinions on MDD vs BD II, but I don't know how much neuro and/or pharmacology you actually know

I have to call and schedule an appointment. I don't want to. I know I need help but I'm a waste of time. Someone else would talk. I don't even make small talk with my husband. I need someone in my corner to avoid hospitalization and meds. People scare me.

I miss you. I feel alone again.

I'm in the mood to push you away.

I don't know u

Also idk why u keep suggesting I have aspergers like what does that even matter if I do. Changes nothing

You not responding is really playing into my confirmation bias.

Dear T: you didn't answer my email about scheduling, but hopefully you will after you return from your time off. I will not email just to verify that you received my email. Not my problem if you're there next week and I'm not. But If I emailed again I'd be tempted to add some content about life tossed in there with the business. Don't want to pre-empt my reveal, although I suspect you already know most of it from what I've already said. But much has transpired in the month between last appointment and this upcoming one. It's the biggest break I've had in a few years since a long summer vacation. I am surprised how much less I feel I need therapy given the enhanced support I have. Makes me think hard about what this means. I thought the stress of the work would always require it. Now I think therapy is a stand in for something else that I need or want more. This is strange territory to me.

Don't you go and get smug about things.

That was a really lame response unless you are trying to tell me that those thoughts/feelings/wants should not exist.

What do I do with this response - given everything going on with us?

I dropped off your goodbye card this morning. I’m still deciding about Monday, but leaning towards no. I’m just done. And did you like my email that said no, I will not see another T this summer? I’m taking a few months off. You don’t own me. You can’t tell me what to do.

Dear T,
Another sign therapy might be working: I've gone to lunch with a friend the past two Fridays--last Friday with a fairly long-term friend, today with a relatively new friend (third time meeting with her). What have I not been doing that I normally do? Dissecting our interaction in my head afterward, beating myself up for not asking about x or y thing, worrying I was being boring when talking about z thing, fearing they won't want to hang out again (and, if that's the case, assuming it's because of something I did or didn't do, not just that maybe we aren't totally compatible as friends). It's nice to be able to leave something and think "It was good catching up with so and so" and not ruining any positive feelings by obsessing over it. Maybe there's hope for me after all?
Love,
LT
PS: Be safe in the storms tonight.

I found my word, if the Critic will let me use it.


Most of the words that I have tried to use have been brushed off as too melodramatic.

I miss you.
I've changed my mind about what I want to discuss on Tuesday a million times.
Right now I'm at the point of considering straight up.telling you I want to feel connected and cared about. Can I just have fifty minutes of you saying nice things to me?

Dear T: I wish I had something of yours to hang on to. Don't even know why I want it. Just sort of do. Kit

I have warm feelings for you which have been growing since our prior session. They are hard to describe

Hi just wanted to say, I love your username.

Yesterday, we talked about the possibility of me meeting with the kids' dad's therapist. You seemed to want to allay my fears, ease my anxiety. You were lovely and thoughtful and kind.

Thing is, I realized today: I am not anxious. I'm not afraid any more. You know what I am? I am pissed off. I am resentful that I have to go through with this in the first place because the kids' dad can't be a f***ing grownup.

That would have been a good conversation to have yesterday. I really need to stop making excuses for him. Even if he's afraid, it doesn't excuse being an a$$hat.

Why did you bring up the cousin stuff when we were talking about boundaries and say I act like I never told you about it?

I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.

but do you believe me?

Feeling neutral about you is difficult for me. I’d rather feel warm & fuzzy or angry/upset. The in between feelings are uncomfortable.

Dear T,

I feel hopeless today.

-Butterfly

Hey T: The reception is going okay-though too long with awkward silences on my end. Why can’t i even handle time w my long-time friends? My Pdoc didn’t help me feel any better, though. I am a stubborn POS, and i got him to basically agree. He didn’t make me feel any better about my anxiety.

i sort of wish i could hear from you. that ill be okay.