Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I would like you to visit my dreams tonight, please.

Feeling overwhelmed and stuck in place after yesterday's...experience.

Still waiting to hear from them, so not trying to be awkward with that conversation that I know we need to have.


I don't want to deal in metaphor, but I don't want to deal with what is. Where does that leave me?

Dear T,
Had a dream last night where I learned that ex-MC had died. And I was really upset about it, because then I felt I'd never be able to truly resolve things. You were working in the same office as him, and I recall thinking I'd never see him come out in the waiting room and joke about things with me again. And, then it continued when I fell back to sleep. I know I met with you at some point, but don't recall what we talked about. Randomly, for some reason, I knew that you were going to put up lots of Christmas decorations in your office--and one of my friends was going to help you? Not sure what that part was about. But mostly a bunch of sadness about ex-MC. To the point that I want to search obits to make sure he didn't actually die.

Wish I was seeing you on our usual day, tomorrow, instead of Monday, but you totally deserve a day off, so enjoy!
Love,
LT

Dear T,
The smiley in your email reply meant more to me than any words could have, I think. So, thank you.

Love,
LT

Christmas=new hope, new relationship with a new therapist (Dr T), death of the old world as represented by MC

That makes a lot of sense, thanks.

Also, in the dream, the timelines were all weird (as happens in dreams), and ex-MC died a week after his wife (him, which was right around Christmas, actually). And I really feel my reaction to that (like, how I reacted to him, how he wasn't going to tell us, etc.) sort of started the downfall of our relationship, even though the big rupture didn't happen till nearly a year later. But maybe I'm reading too much into it...

Dear T,

I'm struggling today.

Big time.

I wish I could see you or talk to you or reach out to you. I miss you a lot right now.

Didn't send that second email asking for friday's session.

I don't think I can face you.

I had a weird dream last night but you weren't in it. Oh well!

I think dreams tell us huge clues, and it's not just you overthinking it.

****. We should probably talk about this. But it's mortifying. We've barely ever talked about sex and never in any detail, and to go from that to this...
I really hope you know background about this stuff so I don't have to explain the basic concepts
surely you must, right?

I have no idea whether you'll see this as healthy or unhealthy for me to be using as a coping mechanism. I don't even know my own opinion. But I just finished the visit with my father and I feel okay and I don't want to hurt myself, so it helped...

I don't know if you know it but we often skirt around this stuff, you are probably my main attachment figure now. I think about telling you about my day or all the stuff and for the first time in the 4 years of seeing you I actually want to vent this stuff to you to then feel better. I am also telling you stuff I tell my friends but felt too embarrassed to tell you. Well not the sex and dating part of my life but the other stuff.
I wish you would tell me what you really think of me. Because although I feel attached I don't think we have ever bonded. You don't really get my humour and I find yours awkward. I know I'll miss you

Thank you for the call today. It was helpful to talk to you. I think I may need to remind you, though, that if I found it easy to believe that the mean things people said to me weren't really about me, then I probably wouldn't need therapy. I'm sorry if I frustrated you. I'm sorry that you're worried about me. I don't want to burden you that way.

Dear T,
My dream led me to do something stupid (I'm safe). Damn it. I miss you so much. A 3-word response with a smiley can only do so much--it meant a lot to me but can only do so much.
Love,
LT

I think I post on PC when I’m wanting connection from you. I can’t get it through email, so whatevs.

Happy 10th Anniversary, oh psychologist of mine. 10 years ago this Memorial Day I walked into your office after a soured relationship with my previous therapist of 12 years. If my psychiatrist hadn't insisted I see another therapist, you, I might never have gone back into treatment. Tomorrow, Memorial Day, we have an appointment. I'm bringing the diet cokes and we can toast 10 years of hard work and major successes. Oh, I'm still thinking through doing EMDR with you to handle DID remnants. I don't have an answer yet. Patience please. Thank you for 10 hard, productive, and caring years. Thank you for encouraging me through the authoring of two books. T.

I want you to reply to my email and I can't help feeling impatient about it. I want Thursday to come faster :c

Second night in a row that I dreamt of you.

You were supposed to come to my house for a session, but I'm worried about you hearing swearing & shouting in the background and I think I can't see you here. I called you and cancel the session whislt your left standing on my front door step.

A random song for you.




I can't promise I'll stop fighting with you but I'll try.

Dear T,
OK, maybe that wasn't so stupid after all. I think it was just something I needed to do. I feel OK about it this morning--maybe in part because of how it turned out, but I think either way, still would have felt OK. Still miss you, but hope you're enjoying your much-deserved day off.

Love,
LT

What is it about those early morning or middle of the night emails that are hard for me to resist? I tend to filter less and you seem to think the unconscious is involved. But it makes me feel foolish in the light of day.

Crying.

Exam tomorrow and I'm overwhelmed.

I checked your tripadvisor account, which I said I would tell you if I did.

I'm actually going to choose to run away.

T, Thank you SO much for helping point us toward the right memory care today. You have been a essential and consistent source of information and support for our entire family.

I miss you so unbelievably I sit around the corner at what would be ny session times, last week I didn't cry but I cried this morning because there was an ad for the festival and I know you are playing and I can't bear to go this year in case I run into you. Which is stupid because I am tempted to drop in and see you at lunchtime but what would I say?

I don't want a new T I want you even though I feel very hurt about the way you went about things.