Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Why am I nervous about telling you I wanna come back through the rest of the summer??

I’m hoping that all this comes down to your wife being a B* and hopefully you already know it... somehow I don’t think this will be that simple.

L, I am feeling a good bit of shame sitting here thinking about my session today. Shame that it took me this many years to get here. I know you would say "it takes as long as it takes" but damn. I must have some inflated ****ing vision of myself huh? that it took this much time to finally break through all of my layers of protection and pretending and whatnot? I don't know. All I can tell you right now is that I feel utterly ashamed and next week I may come in wearing a potato sack for a dress...

I mean seriously, who and what the **** have I thought I was all of this time, anyway?! Am I having a (late) mid-life crisis? Where do I fit in the world? What is the meaning of life?

Fix me! Immediately!

'I love you mommy' doesn't even begin to cover the craziness that is this process of mine.

so much and so little. how do I process though this and get done and over it? Do I need to physically act out what I'm feeling to get it to release?

dammit why won't you just offer me a session July 5th?

What's going on at the moment is hardly worth emailing you about - but I am quite sure that I am unable to provide support to anybody else in my current state.

Soooo..... maybe part of me thinks we have become too close. What do I do with that? It's hard to talk to you about it because other parts of me crave closeness to you and don't want to jeopardise it.

Dear T,

I'm not sure what was worse, you triggering painful stuff at the end of my session, or my significant other yelling at me because I couldn't verbalize what was wrong since I can't seem to understand it myself. Yesterday sucked and I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and disappear. I'm tired. Can't you just make everything stop? I need it to.

I wish you were back so I could act all indifferent about seeing you.

Is it next thursday yet?

I envy all the people who still have their T's. All the people who never had to say goodbye. I used to believe you would think of me sometimes and miss me but I no longer do. I've taken a realistic view of it and I know you've moved on. I'm in your past, along with your career... and unlike the impact you had on me, I did nothing for you that was truly life changing. I hope you are happy though. I doubt we will ever see each other again, I'm not lucky in life. I hope the people you've replaced me with are good to you and worth your time. Love you and miss you.... but trying to let go.

Hugs, DP.

Dear T,
I hate that you won't know if you'll have wifi on your vacation until you're there. I mean, my goal is not to email you, but it would help to know I could if needed. Or even just to know in advance if I couldn't? At least I heard back from your backup T and scheduled with her. She was helpful the last time, though that was only by phone. I know a week (I guess 10 days between sessions) isn't that long. And I should be glad you're not going away for longer. Just...will miss you. I think my plan to not talk about my parents/childhood next week is a good one. Just trying not to dredge anything up, though knowing me, something will happen near the end of the last session before you leave.
Love,
LT

maybe i came back
because i don't want to be alone
with my words
my words that are slithering out
and making their way to become
my homework

and i don't want to be alone
with them when they come
i showed you only one
one was enough because
your hand over your heart
as I read to you those words

and i was no longer alone

Really missing you today. The pain unbearable. WHY????? It just isn't fair.

Hey I know what. Let's do a 4 hour session tomorrow. We could get some **** done that way. An hour is just not enough time.
Wouldn't that just be a hoot if I actually asked for something like that? I can only imagine.

Not that I would even ask to come on a Saturday again.

I miss you and I love you and I dont like you and I don't want to see you.

Treble Clef,



-Butterfly

I wish you knew about the last couple of days. It's been hell. I hope this is the bottom that propels me into recovery. I deserve better!!

Dear T,
Feel really awful now after fight with H. But I'm not having another beer (I kept to my limit tonight). I'm not contacting you. I'm not doing another destructive thing. I'm managing. Might hold the stone for a few minutes though...

Love,
LT

I know what was not a reason that I came back too. I did not come back to get help to leave my h. So please try not to sound like that's what you're trying to talk me into doing okay? It almost felt that way the other day for a minute there. I am not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be. I want to work on this stuff inside myself that I started talking about the other day. Let's just leave my marriage out of the picture for the time being okay?

M.

Disrespect.

You felt disrespected and I showed no empathy.

I was in trouble and reverted.

You can’t have empathy for the abuser when your only concern is figuring out how to protect or explain your way out.

I feel like a psychopath in your eyes.

I’m not!

In that moment I was freaking out and trying to figure out what I had done wrong and how to fix it.

I wonder if I will ever really be able to have a grown up real relationship.

I’m sorry that I didn’t understand that you felt disrespect. Coming from where I do, that kind of felt disrespecting to me that I had done something wrong.

I had to put this somewhere to calm it down.

I want to talk about this. I want you to understand my protector.

Trail

I don't know how I'm supposed to reach out late at night. I am not calling anyone, especially not you, after having something to drink. The only thing I ever feel relatively comfortable with is texting, and I know that you don't do that.