Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

1. Dear R,

I'm sorry.

2. T that I'm seeing on thursday, Sorry for wasting your time already.

Why now?
Do you have any idea how much I needed to hear that six ****ing months ago???

Did I ever tell you how much I resent paying you money for therapy all those years? I resent it. That is all.

Oh, and I hate you. I ****ing hate you.

T, so much stuff for tomorrow... the relationship that came up last session, the rupture, your wanting to connect... my invitation to help you if you wanted to meet the real me, not the public persona... I don’t know what the biggest priority is. I wish we had more than an hour.

I'm already worrying about tomorrow's session. I really fear that I'll walk in, tell you about the weekend, and won't walk out. I know you've said that won't happen unexpectedly. But with you talking about whether you think we're at a place where I need hospitalization, I worry if I say no then you'll have me forced.

Well it took 48 hours but I've finally managed to turn this into anger at you. Kind of.

I really miss you, I miss talking to you and your calming presence. Can I come back one day?

I'm so alone

Please email me back already.

..............

........

Ready for Thursday, L.

Dear T,

I'm starting to feel not so great, and I think it's because of this stupid thing that happened at the work party that's got my nose all bent out of joint. I'm embarrassed that I care this much about it. I'm not sure if I can tell you. I think it'll confirm your suspicions that I have NPD.

-c

Can you make this decision for me or at least help me figure it out. I don't think it's necessary at this point but I think you disagree. I feel like if I don't tell you if I SH then you'll drop the hospital talk. I want a plan. I want to talk it through. I dont like these "Have you thought about our discussion?

I don't want to keep doing this. We're ok. It's just too hard.

what can I talk about tomorrow besides all my anxiety? It isn't helping to talk about it, I just don't know what else to bring up.

Aaand I am back to hating you

Maybe I am expecting too much.

Wait until you hear my news. I don't think you'll be happy.

Difficult couple of days. I'm doing my best, but that doesn't seem to be enough. Hoping to have the guts to tell you about it on Thursday.

Today is probably going to be rough. I'm actually going to be bringing in writing about "the T word."
I realized I don't think I'd actually be able to call it that out loud in your office. Maybe in a mocking tone or something, but not seriously. I've gotten used to mentally referring to it as "less than ideal childhood circumstances" or euphemisms like that. "Things that happened when I was a child that were probably not good"

Dear T,
I was fine during session, but started tearing up a bit right after I walked out your door. I know it's from talking about stuff from your vacation. Hope I can hold it together OK Friday and am not a sobbing mess when I leave. At least I have backup T scheduled.

And I appreciate that you understand why I wanted to see backup T even though I'm not in a crisis.

Love,

LT

So ok. L. If it's not about blame, then what IS it about? Why'd you even SAY that stuff? And why the freak don't I ever think of questions like this at the moment that you say the things I later question?! I'm struggling here to not think I should have stayed away.

... struggling to not think I should have stayed away, and at the same moment, wishing I was sitting there with you right now.

I really miss you today and I am back to panicking when you aren't at your rooms it got better for a while but now I am back with the urge to drive around town looking for you.