Couch 196: Cinnamon Swirls

I know no marriage is perfect, but as an outsider looking in your relationship doesn't sound healthy. And this is after you've mentioned his anger and his throwing food after getting the wrong order.

I grew up watching my father beat my mother and her sitting and crying on the stairs. The majority of my skype phone calls still home ends with them arguing and swearing at each other. When I was younger I used to wish they would just divorce,but I know neither of them is going to change and she will not leave him.

They're miserable, but they still stay together and I honestly wonder why.

Can you guys afford a house, whilst still paying for his expensive car?

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Your pain is real even if others don't see it. Omers. It makes sense you would want t right now. I hope your session goes well.

I'll ride along, Omers. I hope your T gives you what you need in session.

Thanks. There is like a 90% chance T already knows what I want (he is good like that) but his new thing is trying to get me to ask for what I want... especially if it is something he has offered or done for me in the past and I know he would do it again. I understand. He has done SO much to help me feel safe and mostly I do but asking for things is still nearly impossible for me.

HUGS @ScarletPimpernel
That's a difficult situation.

I'll hop in if I'm not too late.

I think you need to bring it up email contact with him again. I wouldn't like the intermittent thing either. It depends on him too, but what about if you could email but if you don't want a response you say so?

Email was my big thing with R. It was something he didn't believe in apart from scheduling. He did finally give in and I do find it helpful. One thing that was good was increasing the reply time frame from 2 days to 5 days, and double that when he's on holiday. I feel less anxious knowing that he's "there" if I need him.

We agreed to one email a week, but lately I've been sending more than that but he replies once. I cancel my sessions then email asking for them back so that's 2 there.

But also perhaps go over your crisis plan, if you haven't already gone through that already.

Kind of struggling today Couchies. I don't know if part of it is this migraine cycle I'm in (like I'm literally on day 7 or 8 of migraines), or if it is some part of me that wants to self-sabotage how I'm doing with SH because that's how I show my pain and without SH everyone just thinks I'm fine and I'm like I'm not fine. Or if it just my depressed brain leaking out depressed thoughts. I miss former T today. I might journal or something and see if I can make any sense out of what is going on inside of me. HUGS to anyone who wants one. Kit

You should open your esty shop up again!

I want a jumper made with Lurve.

I'm sorry your struggling kit. Have you seen your primary doctor about these and have you been referred to a neurologist? Are you taking anything for them?

It sounds dumb, but have you tried holding ice-cubes instead of SH? When do you next see T?

Hi Lemoncake,
I've tried a bunch of different meds for migraines but I always go back to Imitrex because it's the only thing that works for me. The Neurologist had me try Botox but it was really expensive, like my copay was $850 and I can't afford that. So my pdoc just prescribes me the Imitrex. It really should be my GP but my Pdoc doesn't mind doing it and I already see him every three months so it works.


I see my T on Saturday this week, so not too long. I've tried lots of distraction techniques including the ice cubes. I think I need a way to either verbalize my pain or somehow show that I'm in pain, otherwise, on the outside I look fine, and I feel invalidated somehow. I think I'm going to talk to T about other ways to give words to the pain or give ways for the pain to show besides SH. I don't know if that makes sense. I have a few days to make it make sense though.


Thanks for your care and concern. Kit

I kinda get it Kit. I don’t get Sui or SH so people assume I am OK, or that it must not be that bad. YES it IS that bad! It is something I plan on talking to T about in a few minutes. I will let you know if he has any brilliant insights!

Thanks @Omers I hope your appointment goes well. HUGS Kit

My root canal feels great. My sinus on that side was draining all night in a good way, i woke up with an at least half clear head for the first time since probably january. The infection might have been what was making me dizzy, idk yet.

And my kitchen sink is still clean. That feels soooo good, and its only tuesday, and its only May. I might enjoy this year, this life, after all!

I am trying for the first time a “normal” restaurant with (supposedly) gf options.

Am nervous, if not paranoid.

Couch, I feel like I need a pre-session pep talk before my session tomorrow, but I don't know how to explain what's going on in a neat, well-executed paragraph.

The basics are that we decided last week that we would talk about a particular topic tomorrow, I feel ashamed about talking about it, I'm avoiding and haven't planned how to discuss this, and I'm getting anxious.

He knows the concept of what we're going to talk about but not the specifics. It came up in session recently that there's a topic that we've discussed more than once. This was something that happened in my marriage, a specific event. I feel like there's something I need from him and either he hasn't given it or I wasn't able to receive it. When I first told him what had happened (about 6 weeks after I started seeing him) it felt like he told me "why are you telling me this". What he actually said was "what am I supposed to do with this" or "I don't know what you want me to do with this". His response at the time puzzled me and made me think I shouldn't be talking about that kind of thing, although I know now that's not true and I can talk about anything.

I feel like I need to tell him specifically what we were talking about the other day. But I also worry that the way I feel about this event is wrong somehow and I feel not only ashamed about the event but also ashamed that I want to talk about the event. Does that make any sense? Also, unfortunately, when this event comes up, it brings with it the memories of a whole host of other things that I have some trouble dealing with all at once. I wish this was easier.

I think you could print out basically what you said here and maybe hand it to him at the start of session? I'd definitely share the part where you say you're afraid that how you feel about the even tis wrong.

Its gettting late if I want to let my gpknow if I m not coming to the meeting with my exT. I don't even understand what he means by support structures, but I am afraid if I don't go they may ring the acute care team.

I agree.

It is often important to my T to know what I am needing or wanting from him in session or when I share something I tell him is important. Provided my need is reasonable he works hard to meet it. It helps that he has little cards with options that sometimes fit but... I can tell my T “I just need you to listen” or “I know why I did this but I need to hear it in technical language from you” or “I need to know you are still here after hearing this”... so... would it be possible to start out by answering the question he asked the first time you shared it? “When I talk to you about this I am needing........”

I know of one part of my history when I did something normally viewed as very bad... but it is “normal” with my history. T kinda knows about it because I have hinted at it. But, when I tell him I will start with I need you in your educational mode to tell me why I did this even though I have read all the books and I know why. Then I need to know you don’t judge me for it... THEN if you want to go after the feelings of shame (which would be his first instinct) you can have at.

Thank goodness the couch is back up I was loosing it! Poor T was going to get hit with a billion crazy emails!
Thank you to the pocket riders. T actually did not know what I was needing and I didn’t ask BUT it was a choice not to ask not getting frozen. I did tell him after session and how what we did almost met all the same needs but also gave us a new tool to use. He wanted to try something different, creating a symbolic protective circle around me to help me feel safe... then he asked me where I needed to go or did I want to play the card game he suggested last week. I opted for the card game. Either way both of our end goals were for me to relax a bit and let my guard down. He sat outside my circle (we were both on the floor for the card game) but his knees were touching the edge. We played and even had a few laughs. He has no clue that no one has ever come close to getting me to play without me freezing, going into a total panic, getting mad at myself for a month and taking 2-3 more sessions before I trust them again... just for trying to get me to play! We had fun. He took his T hat off... it was right beside him if he needed it but we were playing cards he wasn’t “being a T”. After I was able to tell him he was welcome in my circle and I felt safe with him inside my circle so he moved some things around so that he was included. Then... at the very end he decided to talk to me about closeness and different kinds of feelings that come up between a client with my history and a therapist. He said it was normal and expected that I would crave the closeness and attention and that emotionally there are no boundaries on how close or connected I am allowed to feel to him. He also said it was totally normal for someone with my history to have other feelings for him too and if that happened it was not wrong or shameful it is a normal part of the process and he hopes I would feel safe enough to let him know. Although he did not feel it was likely with me and he explained that too.

Now onto new intake with old Pdoc Friday!!!! She better not have changed in 3 years! LOL. I expect lots of purple and I expect my hugs... yes, hugs... PLURAL. Needy Omers is needy... and missed he... bunches.

Part of the problem is I worry that he's just going to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. I don't trust people to tell me the truth, probably because of the things that happened in my marriage. And I'm not 100% sure what I need to hear from him. I think I need to hear him say out loud that what the husband did was, maybe not horrible, but not right and that it's okay to be affected by it. I've kind of learned to detect when he's feeling empathy in session now, but at 6 weeks in, I couldn't detect it yet.

I don't know. I'm so messed up about this thing. I think if I told a reasonable person what I'm talking about they would be like "of course that's not right", but for some reason I can't internalize that and I'm afraid he thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Go easy on yourself NP_complete. Your reply left a lot of options for what might have happened but obviously some part of you knows it was not OK. There are a lot of parts of my marriage that are not OK right now. I get the idea from my T that he is not sure they are fixable but once other things settle I want to try. If it is something ongoing that is harmful to you then that might be different depending on the level of harm but this sounds like a past hurt. It makes sense that any kind of harm or betrayal in a marriage will bring up previous instances of similar hurt. I highly doubt you are being ridiculous... and if you are then there is a reason for that too which most likely comes from one of those past hurts.
Be gentle with yourself.

I have cancelled my test appt on Monday for one of the recommended Ts. I think I will just have a break for the time being.

NP, it's like living for years surrounded by funhouse mirrors, a weird distorted reflection of reality that screws with basic perception. It takes a while to rebalance and trust your own perceptions again and what's reflected back at you by a reasonable person. Your t is a reasonable person, and he's a reasonable person who's shown you that you can trust that he is honest with you. Even the times he doesn't quite "get it" he hangs in there until he does. And you too, you hang in there until he does. You are articulate and honest. So you can do this.

I hope this is a good start for you on getting it sorted out.