Therapist's temporary move is permanent

Ultimately, the relationship with t IS with a real person. Otherwise, what use is it? Her real person is one who is fallible. Yours is one who was failed upon in the past. Those conditions will almost certainly be true in any future relationship you have.

I have found that certain people, therapist or not, do not own responsibility. Often they do not think they are wrong. Pathologizing is an easy out for a therapist. Mine did it constantly, which only stoked more fire.

Have you thought about what you want from her, on a large scale? Do you intend to keep working with her? What would an apology achieve? Would you believe the apology?

I completely understand that your reaction would be different if she hadn’t thoughtlessly made those promises, and have no interest in lecturijg you that people “have lives” as if you are being unreasonable when your upset with her for breaking her promise to you, which she made in a professional context, is totally reasonable. That said there isn’t anything you can do except accept her choice and find a new therapist to help deal with it. I wouldnt try to keep it up with her long distance

@PurpleMirrors3: I hope to be able to continue working with her. After all, it's three years and six months of working together and she's financially affordable. I don't think an apology would achieve so much insofar as it's a humble, human thing to do when one erred. Whether or not I believe in the apology depends on whether she recognizes that it's valid for me to feel betrayed and let down by her not following through with her confident promises. If she cannot recognize it and continues to pathologize it as stemming from the past or childhood, there's no further work to be done with her.

To top this off, she said that I want from her more than she can give. Way to go in twisting it around, woman. I do NOT want from her more than what she cannot give. When she made those two bold promises, she created an expectation from her in me. When she couldn't follow through with those promises, of course I feel let down or betrayed. After all, she created those expectations with her promises. And because she said it so sincerely, it came across as a principled intention from within her. This is why I still wonder now, even if she decides to stay in xxxxxx permanently, if her grandson no longer needs her care, would she honor what she promised but could not fulfill the first time because circumstances wouldn't allow it then? If circumstances allow it now, would she go back and honor it? She created this expectation. Now she's pathologizing it and saying that I want from her is pathologically more than she can give. Be reasonable with me now, woman.

@blackocean: Yeah; I understand she has a life. I even said to her that I'm happy and glad for her that she finally made a decision and found xxxxxx to be the place where she's the happiest. I said to her that I know it hasn't been an easy period of time for her either.

She cannot give you the commitment that she made, the two bold promises that she will not keep. She cannot give you what you expect from her, expectations that she created in you with her (false) sincerity. She is defensive, she is fixed on her plan to do what she wants, despite the commitment she made to you (and possibly others), so being reasonable takes a back seat to defending herself and deflecting her responsibility by pathologizing you. She cannot do otherwise -- she is morally ill. This is considered "normal" by many. It's not a problem for them.

I think I can understand why you feel like you want to continue therapy with this person -- she promised a lot, she presented a lot, you fell for the image -- I have done the same thing, over and over.

But, given what now seems to be the case about the way this person is, it sounds to me like she may very well not want to continue therapy with you, and if you want that from her then she doesn't have it and is not very willing to try, despite the effect on you.

This is your value system -- it may not be hers. That's something I have had a very hard time learning to understand. When I had a value system that I thought was "right", then I thought that it was "right" for everybody, that everybody would agree and accept it. But, though value systems seem logical, at least to me, and they can seem like "the truth", they are not the same truth, apparently, for everybody, not in the sense that 2 + 2 = 4. This may seem obvious, but it wasn't to me. So I apologize if it's obvious to you already. But, if not, I thought it might be interesting.

"I'm not unreasonable, woman."
"Be reasonable with me now, woman."

As a woman, this attitude would cause me to cut off any desire to work with you.

LoL. According to the Bible, Jesus called his mother "woman." I'm not Jesus, but I learn from him.

I speak with her tonight. For now, I'm going to give her a benefit of the doubt that she is human and genuinely made a mistake of making two bold promises. If she cannot acknowledge that this was a poor judgment or err on her part, but instead, puts it all on the past and childhood, then yeah, I don't think I can continue working with her.

Hmm. If you say so.

I only see my T in person when I am back in London. Most of our sessions are done online.

Perhaps that could be an option for you?

When He changed the water into wine and she yelled at Him. He said, "What would you have me do, woman?"

How is that not etched in your memory???!

Why is it etched into mine?!!!

LoL. Do ya'll want to hear something pretty funny?

The therapist was born in xxxxxx city where she decided to move permanently now. She lived there until she was 2 years old and was raised in another country. When she got married, she moved back to the United States and worked in xxxxxx city for 14 years. She then moved to the city that I'm in - that is Chicago - and was here for 22 years. But she said that xxxxxx city still feels more like home to her even though she prefers the city of Chicago. She also said that she always had plans to retire in xxxxxx city, but it wasn't supposed to happen until a long time later - a time when I would be done with my work with her. She said that she wants to die in xxxxxx where she was born.

I asked her, if you were born in say Iraq or Russia, and only lived a week of your entire life in that country, would you want to die there? She said maybe. There's some superficial, existential symbolic meaning going on there.

That wasn't what I was responding to, but I'll just bite my tongue and move on.

Part of what is going on is also a miscommunication.

Less than a month ago, during a session, the therapist said that if she stays, it would be because of her grandson.

On a different session, the therapist said that there are several factors at play. I asked her what those factors were, but she didn't disclose. In my mind, I understood those "several factors" at play to be about her grandson. I was not expecting that those "several factors" were independent of her grandson. Her grandson has always been central and she said that if she stayed, her grandson is the determining factor. So it seemed reasonable, given how things were portrayed to me all this while, that those "several factors" were about her grandson.

This is why it was - and still is - so disorienting when she suddenly introduced what those "several factors" were when she broke the news on Wednesday. I did not expect that those "several factors" were reasons independent of her grandson.

Fair enough! Its not like saying, "Look, man...", which is casual, slangy. It sounds "less than", even if used between same gender. Almost accusatory?

LoL. I just got done with therapy this evening.

Two things.

The therapist said that when she said, "I'm not like that," she was referring to an analogy that I brought up. The conversation with her back in May went like this, "You can't stay in xxxxxx for one year. The longer you stay in xxxxxx, you'll find more reasons to stay there. It's kind of like how some people who go on long vacations and not return and end up living in that place." She responded, I'm not like that." The therapist clarified that when she said she's "not like that," she was referring to the vacation part. She said that she wasn't passing a comment about the earlier part in regards to her finding more reasons to stay there. Now I feel less betrayed; instead, I feel stupid. LoL.

The therapist also said that when she said that she would give her patients a year's notice, it was a statement of intent, not a promise. I said, "Okay. But that statement of intent was sincere and grounded deeply in a principle of care towards your patients, right?" She said yes it was. I asked her so if circumstances would allow you to come back for a year, would you? She threw her head back a bit and said maybe, but it's all hypothetical and that that statement of intent doesn't "overwrite over other obligations." I'm still thinking this one through.

mm, I really admire the way you step back and think about things, both what's said here and what your t says. It doesn't mean that you always agree, but you are open to considering the feedback and ideas from others which is an admirable habit.

I find myself thinking that often as I read through your threads.

Last year before her move, she said that she would give her patients one year's notice if she decides to move permanently. But she cannot honor that now. Not even a fraction of it. Not even for one month. It feels like empty promises.

That is harsh and I feel for you!!! I'm much older than you (probably) and it's still very important to me that people honour their words, or at the very least that they acknowledge and apologise sincerely for not doing so. This is a big deal.

However, looking back (I am doing a lot of looking back as I've been shredding diaries that I wrote while in therapy)… I would also say that from my experience no one person was ever going to be able to help with the huge challenges that my life has dealt out to me. Reading my diaries makes me remember how dependent I was on so-called experts who were only limited human beings. That was before internet (!) so I had only people in my immediate geographical area to turn towards when in crisis.

There is a projection that we go to "a therapist" and they will prove to us that we, and life generally, is ok. The problems that I faced as a young person, and the problems of many young people from violent homes, were horrific. At the time I got most angry with the one person who looking back was appropriate and useful in facing that horrific situation.

I am writing that partly for my own self - reading those diaries and asking myself about the terrible emotional suffering written there. Partly to remind you that as well as your hurt feelings... which are 100% valid!!! There is a perspective where therapists are only limited human beings and you have your own life to live.

If possible, it might be good to consider how you need to live your life going forward from this situation - at the same time as letting your therapist know your hurt and shock at her thoughtless behaviour. I'm a tai chi practitioner and I work with my energy to balance my emotions. If your energy gets completely sucked into emotions of betrayal, then you will fall hard: rather use at least some of your energy to reach out beyond therapy.

Two therapists really tried to help me, within the financial constraints that I was earning a very low income and couldn't even vaguely afford their fees. One died from cancer while helping me, and the other committed suicide. Not the intimacy that I longed for at all! But I honour their genuine attempts to care.

Re-reading your original post, I feel terrible for you because this does seem on a certain level to be a betrayal of trust. In a big, deep way. The hurt from that must resonate with other betrayals of trust.

Re-reading my own post in a roundabout way - apart from sending you care - I'm trying to say that once we are adult we have to realise that all humans are fallible. Very young kids may live in an inner world where they are the centre of the universe for their parents, if they are lucky. Feel free to kick her *** from here to hell and high water, but don't throw all your energy away on this situation! You have your own life to live, and you are more important than just one relationship with a therapist.

It's your responsibility not to let this be all-consuming, just as much as it's your responsibility to take care of the hurt you feel in whatever way seems appropriate to you.

One last thing came up for me just as I was about to press the Post button. In order to feel cared about by your therapist, you don't have to be compliant with her misjudgement or her rationalisations. You can hold onto your truth with as much tenacity as she is defending hers. This might be important!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep holding onto your truth and wait to see whether she will step back from her own defensive position over time .

When the reaction is out of proportion with the issue, it's usually about the past.

There might be something in feeling deceived and how disorienting it felt to you.

@WarmFuzzySocks: Thank you for saying that. Yeah; I try hard to understand things that don't seem to make sense to me - things that others see but I don't. I'm also coming to realize that when something doesn't seem to make sense, it could be because there are some underlying emotions that are clouding my judgment. Or maybe it's a miscommunication that's why things didn't seem to add up. LoL.

@saidso: Well; I don't feel so betrayed anymore because the therapist clarified that she didn't mean for it to be a promise; rather, it was a statement of intent.

That's cool to hear Mindmechanic.
This is prob irrelevant sorry, but I still think that perhaps your therapist is being defensive and in time this might resolve better. I had a friend whose mum was a real firebrand so there was no disagreeing with her. But there was one big issue that my friend felt to be an injustice - she was treated differently from her brother regarding responsibility for housework. Us her peer group helped her to hold on to her sense of injustice - and a year later her mum finally understood her point of view. Taught me that it's possible to hold a point of view when someone is not listening, but still eventually to be heard. Still hard for me to know that.

Good that you are feeling less panic-stricken! It's so hard when distrust is triggered.

I got a question for you folks.

If your therapist, knock on wood, were to move out-of-state or out-of-country permanently, do you think you would feel a need to know what his or her reasons were?

@saidso: What do you think the therapist is being defensive about? I'm not fully seeing what you're saying.