Therapy makes me feel like a loser

I was bad last night. I'm having problems facing my faults and I walk out of session feeling like a sack of ****. Vulnerability hangover? It hits me hard everytime. After sending 2 useless emails to my therapist, venting and explaining myself,
I just wanted to sleep and while lying in bed, I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't want to tell my husband, I didn't want to worry him. But I had to promise myself that I would say something if it got too bad. Thankfully I fell asleep before I dug myself any deeper. This morning was a little better, but I was still uneasy. I wrote another useless email, letting my therapist know what happened and asked him not to hate me if I do go overboard attempting to contact him before my next session. I warned him I was in "freak out mode". It comes and goes. At one point this morning, I wanted to hear his voice, I felt I needed to call him, so I did. It went to straight to voicemail and I was partly relieved. I tried leaving a voicemail, but it was just a ****ing joke, I felt like a joke. "I'm hurting, but I'm not so sure why." Thankfully I had an option to delete it, which I did. I brokedown crying instead. I don't know what I need, I don't know what I want. My therapist wants me to really focus on mindfulness, which I attempted for a little while but then stopped. Kept feeling I was doing it all wrong. I think he's getting tired of my ****. I keep saying I'll meditate and pause before freaking out but I always let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like a failure. I can't even have a healthy relationship in therapy. No one wants someone around who needs constant reassurance to feel better about themself, this is why I rather be alone. I really hate myself sometimes.

I know how you feel.

I got better by focusing on something other than myself.
Focusing on one's self always leads to Hell.

17 Celebrities Open Up About Their Time In Therapy

17 Celebrities Open Up About Their Time In Therapy

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. To me it sounds like you are not a loser; you're a person with problems that you're trying to deal with, and that is the opposite of loser-y IMO. Could you maybe schedule an extra appointment with your T and talk about how you feel after therapy? Sometimes I have definitely felt a "vulnerability hangover" as you call it but maybe there's a way your T can structure things so you don't leave feeling so awful.

Also, I'm curious what kind of mindfulness stuff you were trying? For me exercise helps a lot but meditation by itself doesn't seem to work.

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Please don't judge yourself. Just adds to the burden, you know? But I know that's easier said than done (been there, done that, got the sticker). Have you tried some distress tolerance stuff...just to get through the super emotional rough patches? Like doing soduku/crosswords, exercise or taking a walk, doing something for someone else, taking a hot bath/using lotion, watching a great tv show? Just something to get your mind off your current distress level until it settles enough so you can use other skills. I find meditation helpful, but I absolutely could not do it when my distress levels were overwhelming. It was more a long-term thing that I had to develop, like just stick in my back pocket at times.

Therapy can trigger regression , and it isn't always safe. Do take care, and ask your T to work on strategies to cope with that much emotional pain. Do you think you are tapped into/ commented to a more deep past pain than the strictly the present tense ?

It seems to me that your T is focusing on what you can do about your problem with the therapy, by encouraging you with mindfulness etc., rather than focusing on what he can do differently - I think there are things he can do, like give you more reassurance in sessions, and other things that would meet your needs better. By focusing on what you can do, he’s kind of locating the problem with you, rather than with himself.

I could, but I'm afraid I've done enough. 3 emails and a phone call feels too much, I'm scared of losing him. I told him not to reply to my emails unless I beg for a connection. I'm not even sure if he knew I called or not since his phone could have been off and I deleted that voicemail. I know that If I asked, he'll be there, it's just me. As for the mindfulness, I would practice the body scan meditation and one that was done by Tara Brach, The Rain of Self Compassion. I had a hard time actually letting go and letting thoughts pass. I was able to achieve it a few times, I know it's not impossible. I guess I became impatient. I should probably maybe start running, I've been thinking about it for awhile, I just hardly feel like I have the energy. Sometimes I just want to go home and sleep.

A lot of what I used to do to relax involved drugs and alcohol. I quit alcohol, but still smoke weed. Finding healthier coping mechanisms have been difficult for me, I'm just never satisfied. But I know I really need to start exercising more, keep myself moving. Meditation is very difficult for me when I already lost my head. I'm trying to learn the "art of pausing", to recognize these feelings and stop them before they become too much, but it's easier said than done, ya know?

Oh yeah, I'm stuck in the past and I just can't let go. What I'm trying to do is to tell my T everything, but I'm having a hard time expressing the feelings that go along with it. For example, I'll be calm in session explaining something that angers me, but then feel that anger after session. I'll leave fine and end up sending him emails and texts saying I'm miserable. I must be confusing the crap out of him.

He's trying not to feed my need for reassurance because of my OCD. It's torture sometimes.

The reason you feel miserable is because you are not engaged in something constructive.
If humans are not constructive they will become destructive.

That's deep. But maybe you should elaborate. Like, what would be constructive?

The best constructive behavior is simply working towards a worthwhile goal that improves the quality of life for others.
The worst is working towards a goal that benefits only yourself.

Ah the old "if you're suffering it's probably your own fault". That's always super helpful. Please consider that you are by implication calling the OP selfish and unproductive.

Exactly. Sometimes we need to focus on ourselves, especially if we're the type to give and give and give. Or have way more compassion for others than compassion for ourselves. Something constructive can also be extending kindness towards ourselves. Giving when you've nothing to nourish yourself is actually destructive.

OP, I doubt you'll blame and shame someone else who wrote what you did. Hugs. Give some of that compassion to yourself. And you're not a loser, truly. It can be so painful to be vulnerable in therapy, hence we fear and regret it later because we're afraid T will be disgusted etc. But your T, if they're any good, will not be disgusted but honoured that you shared.