Couch 199: The Unennennium Couch

Why shouldn't you take control? Who's the employer in this relationship?

Thank you LT. I just find the contrast from yesterdays and todays session weird. He really got me yesterday, today he seemed like somebody new. I emailed him to cancel my next session.

How are you finding the break?

How many days till Dr.T comes back?

Break has been kind of up and down, thanks. Like I'm totally fine for some of it, then sobbing for parts of it. I typed out a long email to him last night but didn't send it. My next session with him is Monday, which probably doesn't sound far away, but it feels like it. It sort of feels like he doesn't exist anymore to me. I did send a one-sentence email this morning asking him to confirm that he still exists. Hopefully it got to him before he's doing his morning replies. (Of course, I don't know where he is--if he's in Europe, would have already been afternoon. If he's on West Coast of US, he's still sleeping.)

I don’t think it was the case here with Lemon, but some people do use tears to manipulate, and a number of men I know think female tears are inherently manipulative always.

Lemon—is this relationship really good for you? It seems like he’s making these kinds of accusations a lot lately.

T may be able to guide you, but the journey is yours. It's your decision which path to take. It is your sanity, your soul that is at stake.

Was the rhyme in the last two sentences intentional?

Oh, I know some use tears to manipulate--I just don't think that's the case with Lemon. I often worry that H or T will think my tears are manipulative, too, but they're not--at least, not consciously.

And I agree that T seems to be making lots of accusations--seems there's some negative countertransference coming out, maybe?

That awkward moment when you ask your T to confirm he still exists (because you're feeling really disconnected, but don't actually say those words), and he replies saying that I'm "too funny" and confirming that no, he hasn't been eaten by a bear. (Before he left, I'd expressed concerns about him dying and used eaten by a bear or lion as an example because it seemed lighter than, say, a plane crash, plus he wasn't sure if he'd have WiFi so it made me think he was going into the wilderness.) But I really was feeling disconnected from him, I just opted not to send the 3-paragraph email that I'd composed last night. Ah well, at least he exists and also made me smile--maybe that was his aim? And apparently I amused him, too, so...

Did I kill the couch?

You didn't kill the Couch, LT. I'm pretty far in my own head today, and words are hard.

At the beginning of your post it sounded like you were struggling with object constancy. At the end, it sounded like you were thrilled that he flirted with you and that "This could be the start of something big!" Thats how i took the "so...", anyway.

This made me kinda angry that he responded to you in a kidding tone. There were similar times that my responded to me very seriously, and while it did tamp my giddiness down a bit, it also showed me that my demands on his time, especially out of session, were to be taken absolutely seriously psychologically. Your t didnt do that for you here, and given your recent experience with MC, i find that problematic.

But i didnt want to be the one to kill the couch!

I have to see my gynecologist in about 2 hours and I'm dreading it. Anyone want to pocket ride?

Hm? I didn't get the sense he flirted with me. I was bothered by his tone but trying to be positive about it. But then it started bothering me more. Because I was in fact being serious and it was about an object permanence thing, feeling disconnected from him. So I started to reply with "Thanks, but I wasn't trying to be funny." I intended to say more but accidentally hit send. Figured maybe was a sign, so I let it be.

THEN he texted me--I thought would be replying to my email reply. But no, he said, "Good morning [LT]. You’re too funny. My email is acting up so this might be a duplicate. Yes, still alive and uneaten by wildlife." Which annoyed me a little more. So I replied: Since your email is acting up, reposting my reply here: “Thanks, but I wasn’t trying to be funny.” Then I got worried because he only allows texting for scheduling. And was afraid he'd be mad at me, even though *he* texted *me*. Maybe a half hour later, he said, "Fair enough. Yes, I still exist." I haven't said anything back because I wouldn't know what to say. I would have preferred "Sorry for misreading you" instead of "fair enough," but it's probably a semantics thing. And I don't want to get into some conflict while he's away. I imagine he's in vacation mode, not T mode. We can discuss Monday.

Hugs, SheHulk, I can pocket ride.

I was a little irked for you by the "too funny" comment. I know what it's like just wanting to feel that connection and it's not funny at all. He should get it by now that it's important.

I sent mine an email like that once after I got triggered by seeing a bunch of cops. (This is a trigger because the swat team showed up at my house the night of the fire.) His response was partly lighthearted (including a smiley) but I could also tell he took my request to know if he was still there seriously. He told me he was looking forward to seeing me the next day and that he was sorry I was having a rough morning. I know he's in vacation mode, but it doesn't take much effort to know your client might not appreciate hearing "too funny" in response to their attempt at connection.

Thanks, NP, it helps that you understand and were irked on my behalf. I didn't feel particularly satisfied by his "fair enough" either. I'm torn whether to say anything else (over email--don't want to push my luck with texting). I know I should theoretically wait to see him Monday, but I'm feeling kinda bad about things with him right now. He wouldn't reply till tomorrow morning most likely, so I have time to think about it. I wouldn't send some sort of rant, just explaining more what I was looking for from him. I just thought he "got it" by now, based on some stuff he said before he went away and just the past few months in general. And now I'm worried he doesn't.

This sounds really awful.

I think therapists should point out our patterns, but they need to do it in a kind, constructive and therapeutic way. I don't think accusing you of trying to control and frustrate him is therapeutic in any way when I think he knows that is going to distress you further. It seems like your attunement has gotten way out of whack with each other.

No couch deaths on my watch.



Tis like the tides coming in and out.

Asking for a email check in is a perfectly normal request.

I accidentally emailed another T whilst he was on his holiday break, he said he checked daily because it helped with not having a build up when he returned.

Yeah, mine says he generally just reads/replies to emails in the morning when he's away. And for this trip he specifically checked in with me Monday morning to let me know he did have Wifi and would be reading/replying each morning.

I'm generally not very stable but think in this moment it's therapy that's triggering me. Extreme lows and it's not like I have upcoming exams to deal with or anything xD

I think it's perfectly okay if you decided to send a follow up email.