Couch 199: The Unennennium Couch

Hi Lola!!!

I'm still awake because my session earlier is still running around in my head

Yours is an online class too? My online poetry writing class is in week 5 right now; I have to write reviews of 6 poems by my 3 other group members and discussion post responses by tomorrow night at 11:59pm. Have not started yet, just got the poems late last night. Mines an 8 week class how long is yours?

I hope you're able to talk to your t on the phone. Hugs

Cooooool whip

Anybody around? It's midnite and I can't sleep

Gonna try again. Nite couchies.

Oh I always miss people

I seem to be slowly coming to a place where I am more accepting that T and I are finished it is becoming more frequent but the thought of never seeing him again still stirs up a lot of anger.

Hugs BCM

I'm back. I can't sleep

I'm glad you're getting to a place of acceptance that you will find peace with it hopefully sooner than later. I imagine you are still angry and anger can be a difficult emotion too. I wish I knew the right things to say.

I always have difficulty expressing anger I am still angry that he diagnosed me with bipolar

When will your son and gf be able to go back?

I felt a bit put out earlier today because my D at uni went on holidays to her friend and I haven't seen her for nearly a year. But she is doing what she is supposed to do going off and finding her own life and I can't be selfish

They don't want to at all. He told me tonight that they are going to start looking for a new place and break their lease. They want to stay here until they find a new place. I don't know what h is going to say about that. he's out of town right now...
it would be at least 2 more weeks if they do go back. they do a 2nd treatment or something cuz there will stil be live bugs afte rthe first treatment. i feel so bad for them! and am also terribly paranoid they're gonna get in my house. altho when my son has gone back in there to prep the place fo r the treatment on Monday he comes back here, through the garage and puts his clothes immediately in the washer without even coming in the house proper, and goes straight to a hot shower. so he's doing everything he can to not bring them here.

it's so hard letting them grow up and deal with t heir own lives. i'm really struggling trying to let my son deal with his current issue i want to just fix it for him. h said you know we could just figure out how to buy them a condo and have them pay us rent but then they wouldn't learn anything. we have to let them grow upand learn and figure their own way through this. he is ok with them stayin gher e for a couple-3 weeks, idon't know yet how he'll feel about it may bebeing longer thanthat. I hope you get to see your D soon. how old is she? my son will be 21 in November.

She is 19 I can't believe she is. It's just an another unbelievable thing my brain can't deal with. Your H is right you have to let them go off and get things wrong. I remember my T saying not to worry about her as she has her own path to make. But it's hard not to.

And sometimes I panic and think that maybe I haven't prepared them properly, but to do that I would have to have imagined every possible scenario which is of course impossible.

I do that too, panic that we haven't prepared him properly. And I lay awake more nights than I care to think about worrying about all of the mistakes I made raising him. Sometimes I wonder why I let myself become a mother. But it was my dream forever. And there was SO much joy in raising him too. He loved me so big when he was little. I was the center of his world, his sunshine, his everything for those brief years. I never in my life felt as loved as I did when he was a little tyke. And now he loves his gf. And I know that's how it's supposed to be. But my heart's a little broken anyway.

L told me something similar - when I found out he was having sex with his first gf a few years ago - she said "You've done your job, he's cooked, it's up to him now" or something like that. Well I know i got the "he's cooked" part right.

: I know.

everybody has bad things happen to them it's part of life. i have to keep reminding myself of that. if we didn't have bad stuff, we wouldn't know the good stuff was good stuff when it happens and all that jazz. he works so hard, he's already been working at this machine shop for 3 years, he started right out of high school and went to college while working full time. i remind myself i've had some crap lately too, the shingles and appendix surgery combo in May, crap happens to everybody, it's just part of life, and if i try to keep shielding him from crap then he'll never learn how to deal with it. so i need to let him deal with it.

This first class is only 4 weeks. Mostly about how to be successful as a grad student, citing references/summarizing articles, and a career path powerpoint at the end. The whole program is online.

and oh yeah let's not forget my flat tire on the way home from L today haha. I emailed her when I finally made it back home and told her that the universe gave me a lesson on the way home about one of the things we were discussing there today, about not worrying what might happen, instead just live life and enjoy it and deal with whatever happens when it happens. So the universe said "ok, let's give Artie a lesson in dealing with stuff when it happens and blow out her tire while her h is out of town so she can't call him to rescue her! Yes!" Seriously. I recognized it as a lesson and when I got off the road into a parking lot, I shrugged my shoulders, moved right past drama/emotional mess and just dealt with it. The AAA guy got there 15 minutes earlier than they estimated even.


it feels pretty good now, knowing that I just dealt with it in the moment without any drama. especially considering how i've been so hugely emotional the past week or so.

Oh nice! I am taking undergrad courses right now, to get my undergrad GPA up to 3.0 so I can apply to a master's program if I decide to go for it. I'm still waffling on that. Because of my age, I'll be 57 next week, and I don't know how much sense it makes to pursue a graduate degree when i'm this old and stuff.... i know if it's what i really want i shouldn't let age deter me but it's a legitimate concern I feel... I hope you are enjoying your class! I am loving being back in school. I'm so happy I went back finally. This is my 5th class since i started again doing one class a semester.

thanks for talking with me shehulk and BCM it's going on 2am now i think i better really make an effort to get some zzzzz's I have to be up for work in 3 hours....