Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Are you being serious? You are taking your time to respond to this email? This one?! This was supposed to be the one which was appealing and vulnerable and all that jazz which you keep harping on about. This email was me at my most soft and here you are being silent. Sorry, what was that? Oh, you have a life outside of my inner turmoil and emotional suffering, do you? Sunday outing with interesting friends and loving family is it? Well, £uck you and your beautifully tanned forearms because I haven't even noticed that you haven't replied yet.

T the reason I freaked out about you saying you can't make the usual session next week is because I know you can handle it. In the past, when a T has changed a session day at short notice, I have freaked inwardly but not felt able to show it, so I've kept it within. Of course, I know I will cope. I have to. But at that moment I was in child mode and the last thing I wanted/needed was for you to say you would not be there next week, even though we arranged for just a few days later. I freaked out because I was being real, in that moment, and that was because you would see it, you would get it, and you did. Thank you for containing the fear, thank you for knowing where I was and meeting me there, thank you for pulling me out. PS. I still feel like absolute hell that you have changed our session

I forgive you for all this....But you hurt me a great deal.

I really miss you today, but I don't feel ready to come back yet.

After that dream I had Saturday night, I want to talk about something that I think will surprise you but I don't know how you will take it I am of course concerned about hurting your feelings.

Are you trying to kill me slowly inside? You sent out a global email to all your clients that when trying to save a stuck baby squirrel on your roof your broke 3 bones in your right foot and will text us to come to your office instead of getting us from the waiting room.

It is slowly killing me that I can not take care of you. I want to help you, cook you dinner, take care of your kids, ice your foot. I will be denied all that. Someone just stab me please.

I need you to help me and not be your cautious usual self.

Dear T,
I'm a little sad but mostly numb right now.
LT

Well, there's 3 more nights until I see you, to see what more my dreams might say about all of this.

I can't drag myself out of this mindset lately.

Well last night was terrible, kept waking up in acute anxiety states. Really dont know if I can do this, and you're such a safe t so that is saying something.

Dear T,
It would have been nice if you’d expressed a little concern about whether I’d be OK going forward. Like to make sure I’d be safe. Because I don’t have a T in place. But I guess I’m not your responsibility anymore, so you don’t have to think of such things...if you only cared about me in the confines of a professional relationship, and now we no longer have that relationship...guess you can just sort of delete me from your brain. I’d like to think I meant something more to you than that. That maybe you felt sad about my leaving because you like talking to me and working with me. But maybe, with the way things have gone lately, you’re just relieved.
LT

There's something up with you. You have been different. I think all my crying is getting to you and turning you loopy with all the Roger's stuff or it's your supervisor's influence.- but I'm also glad you also have a young daughter.I think that helps you connect with me better. I definitely saw you smile when I said I wanted to build sandcastles on a beach as I've never been before. In the past two sessions you've said:

That I had value.
That you cared about me unconditionally.
That I was all good.
That I was worth fighting for.
Your opinion of me wouldn't change regardless even if I chose to do nothing with my degree and worked at X supermarket. You would support me the same.

Maybe I'll believe you one day.

P.s admit it- you're surprised I haven't blown up about your october holiday, after you just came back from the august one ?

**lighthearted post**

Everything's your fault and I hate you.

You didn't help me today at all. I would have prefer to be sleeping rather than for you trying to poke into things that are not your business.

**** you for not responding to me. Also **** you for going over with that other client today, especially after you forgot me last week and you had no way of knowing how I was feeling towards you. Makes me think you just thought you might as well go over and leave me waiting since I was already mad. And I was expecting that woman to look like she had been crying or something, but no, it sounded like you guys were totally shooting the ****. Wtf.

I hate you.

5 weeks is going to be a very long time. I appreciate all the prep we did, but it feels like it’s going to be forever! I’m hoping I can stay as positive as possible and try to stay busy so it’s not as painful as I am anticipating it to be.

Pay attention to me, damn you! I feel like you're intentionally trying to provoke me and that would be really stupid! You do not want me to unleash the kraken of my rage onto you!

You are not usually so directive.

Maybe you’re as tired of me not being divorced yet as I am.

Dear M,
I hope I like you in person.
--LT

I don't like you much right now.

Wish I knew what you are going to say. I was wrong last time so I'm not going to try to guess this time.

Dear M,
Hope I'm making the right decision in committing a month to seeing you...Worried your supervisor will see your notes from today and be like, "Run away, run away!" And I haven't even touched on the transference stuff with ex-MC or (for the most part) with ex-Dr.T..

--LT

Dear ex-DrT,
Been feeling quite bitter about you. I guess you made it easier to walk away by being an @ss these last couple weeks...
--LT

I really want to act out! So badly. I don't know why I want that but the temptation is so strong right now. Feel like I just wont pay on time or something. Sh1tty I know, but dont feel like being the good girl as per usual.