Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Roll on Thursday. I'm gonna need some help untangling the mess between my ears.

I wish I could be curled up with my head on your chest again.

C,

I miss & love you so much right now

T,
After that session, I called out.... for one day. That's all the employer would allow. Without too many details. I hate this. I need more time and I don't have it. I may need to get on FMLA But will the world support me?

I know we were getting closer to the cause but now I feel we are farther away. I am trying to keep from spiraling out of control.

it's so weird, t. i don't think about you all day and then i get back to my mom's house and winding down for the night getting ready for bed you pop right into my head... looks like i'll be falling asleep having an imaginary conversation with you. again.

and what am i thinking about, about you? I am thinking how glad I am that I told you how much I hate that word.

You offered me a session on friday, but I feel like cancelling.

School starts in 4 days.

I want a matter to you in a really deep way. Not just another client. I want you to really care about me. I want to matter like your family and close friends do. I also know its because I dont feel that from people in my life. I think people like me but not in the sense I will be deeply missed when I'm gone. I wish I could be part of your life. I really like you as a person, how genuine you are with me and what you've struggled with in your life. But I guess what I'm really looking for would never be found in any sort of friendship with you either. Maybe I'd rank a little higher in the importance order but it wouldnt be the same.

I miss my old therapist. I wish you were her. Maybe thats cruel but I miss her

Dear T,

I feel very low! Friends just died yesterday. Another friends in hospital fighting for his life. I will also be seeing friend whose having stem cell treatment in London soon!!

Arrrr! Feel like screaming!

Can you send me the courage to text you on Tuesday before our session please? Thanks!

Answer me.

Please bring your umbrella tomorrow.

16 hours, 5 minutes and 42 seconds.

Dear T,
I will trust you that you weren't trying to make any sort of point about my emailing you in the last part of the session. Because...if you were in fact trying to make that point, you'd have been much more upfront about it. Particularly when I brought it up. I felt connected to you today and will do my best to hold onto that through Monday, when I'll see you again. Also, hope you're OK. You seemed...sad or anxious or something today (yeah, I know, I shouldn't be thinking about that...). But yay for zebra shirt (hadn't seen that one in a while).

Love,
LT

I wonder if my negativity and mental illness is being quarantined by doing therapy? I'm starting to think that I can only extensively discuss this with you, and that "no one else can handle it."

I just saw that you responded to my poem today. You must somehow know that I am back already. When I told you I was coming back home today, that had been my original plan, but I changed it to come back last night when I bought my tickets. I didn't bother letting you know, because I'd already said I was taking a break after my 9/12 session. I just realized today is 2 weeks already since then. Ah. Now I get why you responded to my poem today. Yes, I do understand what "soul friend" is. I already did before you ever told me about Anam Cara, I just didn't know that there were words for it. I could have called you this morning and asked to come this afternoon, to debrief from my visit with my Mom, and you probably would have said yes, but... I don't really feel the need to. We had a really good visit. We even talked about my struggles in my marriage some and she was pretty darn insightful and understanding about it all. And I cried at the airport when I hugged her goodbye; I didn't want to leave. It's not lost on me that she's almost 80. And she was telling me all about how she's getting her affairs in order, prepaying her funeral, and all that stuff because she doesn't want us kids to have to deal with all the things she dealt with when my Dad died. It took me 56 years to find forgiveness for her and to be able to start getting to know her as a person. And now at the same time I am facing her mortality. I am doing what I learned in therapy, I am letting myself sink into the feelings, and now I am writing them as I learned in the writing your way home course. I will keep this piece to show you if/when I come back. I sort of wish you hadn't responded. Because now I want to reply!! But I can't let myself. Sometimes I really hate that we met the way we did. But I guess we wouldn't have met any other way, would we have? The limits of this relationship suck raw eggs sometimes. That feeling of wanting more of you than I can have is back again. I need to write about that some more. I love you.

Why did you respond today? Why why why? I wish you had just left it alone! But at the same time I am glad that you did. I am glad that you were thinking about me. I did notice that you signed off with your whole first name instead of just your first initial like you usually do. And this bothers me for some reason.

Dear T: Even though I saw you yesterday, I wish I could see you today. Somehow talking to you made me feel better. I would like to continue our discussion on the hallucinations. I've had some thoughts since we last met. Dang it. I like you. Kit

It's hard for me to fully believe what you said today because it's difficult for me to accept compliments, but it still gave me hope.

You're my ****ing hero.

I ****ing hate this relationship sometimes, L. I ****ing hate it!! I was doing fine until I read your email a little bit ago. Damn it. I'm glad to know that you understood my poem, I am, but... now I want you all over again. Damn it. And this makes me feel hopelessly ****ing trapped in response to which I will steadfastly refuse to call you as is my perpetual pattern.

I'm worried about becoming dependant on you...

I'm working on a new collage. Had to make a couple for work, and I always feel like I communicate with you better when we can talk about something I've made.
There's a song I've been listening to lately that says a lot, but I'm not sure whether you'd be open to listening to it.

Damn it. I wrote you back anyway.

Patterns...

T, I’m such an idiot. Such an idiot, idiot, idiot. I’ve wrecked everything.

Oh no. I really hope you're coping ok. Message me if it will help.

Thanks for saying "Okay" and that you'll be there.