Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Summer I just wanted to say please keep safe. I hope it is okay to respond to your msg..please ignore me if it isn't. But I wanted to let you know it's okay to pm me if you think talking to someone else might help.

Thank you lonely. I probably will take you up on that. I’m just really struggling right now.

I'm sorry you were sick today. I hope you feel better. Does it make me a bad person that part of that sentiment is that I need you to come to work tomorrow? But I really do hope you're feeling better.

I’ve been sitting on these feelings all weekend, doing everything I can to not act. I’ve used the crisis text line a bunch, I talked to my friend, I even emailed you. I don’t know if you saw it. I still feel the same and

I actually think this could be good for me, but I'm scared at the same time.

BTW R- just saying I feel like you could have seen me THIS week as school starts in 7 days. The image of my timetable i sent you started on the 30th and I told you that date too .

I get it but I don't get it.

Zero slots apart from this pricey one?

I feel like you don't want me either.

I'm going to stop whinging now.

I have food in my fridge, a roof over my head. I've got a lot to be grateful for but I just feel so sad.

i hope you stay safe, summer.

Dear T: my pastor who is also a T wants to see me for two sessions just to do some tweaking of my thoughts. He's big on CBT. You know I don't like CBT. But when I'm desperate for something to help, I'm willing to try anything. I have to ask you though, because he doesn't want to mess up anything we're doing. I don't know how you'll take it. Kit

T cancelled once again cause her kid is sick. Her kids are always sick. Just quit your ****ing job and become a stay at home mom and stop wasting my time. She rescheduled for Wednesday

How are you going to feel about the fact I found a picture of you on your daughter's Instagram?

Thanks, I needed that!

F***, f***, f***, f***, f***.!!! you emailed that you are seeing clients again. You gave me a couple options. I don't want to respond. How do I act like an adult when my emotions are feeling like I'm 6??? F***!!!!!!! I don't know what to do.
Shame is going to keep me away. And shame might force me back. F*** emotions. F*** depression.

Feeling raw tonight, trying to logic myself out of it, but it's not working.

Dear T,
Some stuff today brought out paternal feelings toward you. I think it felt like you were trying to be sort of protective of me, in a way. Or that you were worried about me. And you hid your face behind your hand at one point. Were you trying to conceal emotion? I don't know. I just know I'm having warm, fuzzy thoughts toward you. In a way it's nice. But it also scares me a little.

Love,
LT

Sigh. I miss you like crazy. When will the shock I will never see you again and the pain end?

Kit: If she's any sort of good T, she won't mind you getting extra support.

You're allowed to charge whatever you want.

But I am not going to sit and cry.

Or maybe I should stay but just see you every 2-3 weeks?

Today I'll be really brave and I will not hide myself.

Dear T,
Thanks for your response to my email. It sounded like the old, pre-summer Dr. T with the caring and supportive tone. (Though...perhaps I sounded like the pre-summer LT?) And it's good to know you're "glad" I feel positive about our decision to keep working together. It suggests you're glad I came back, too. Or at least certainly not "Damn, thought I was finally rid of LT!"
Love you,
LT

i really hope your H is okay. a week in the hospital doesn’t seem good i miss our sessions, but of course i understand.

I have anxiety towards seeing you today. I don't want to go inpatient or intensive outpatient. But I am wondering what will be best for me. I still haven't called Pdoc yet. Do the meds need to be adjusted?? I don't know. All I know is I Hate feeling like this and I want out. I don't want to report my sui thoughts or the si that happened. This may be a hard session. But there is work for you to do too. I Need assistance with disability services. Which I don't want, but said that I would sing up for. I have the paperwork with me and nI will see T in less than 2 hours.

I hate waiting.

Wow. You never normally reply to emails at 9pm on a weekday.

Thanks for taking me seriously. You made it easier to talk.