Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

So tired of holding this anger. I'm not holding anger towards you, so you don't deserve it. The people who do deserve it won't ever see it. That's the maddening thing.

I'm going to assume you are not going to reply to that and I won't see you on Monday. So enjoy your stupid course.

I bet you wish I'd send you one of my lovely incoherent texts right about now.

Over the summer I felt "cured". I felt strong. Well, maybe once or twice. There was those weeks when you saw me once a week and you saw me & H once a week.

Now I am feeling not as strong. Now I am wishing I could come in twice a week. I just want a second appt to check in. But I know this is not possible.

Treble Clef,

I know you said you can't accept gifts. It's too bad because I found a board game called Therapy the Game that I would totally get you if I was allowed to. Oh well.

-Butterfly

Your response sucks you don't care about me and I hate you

Hey T,

I love you, but you already know that.

I got followed home last night . Yelled at . He kept saying stop , dont run bro, and said I broke into his house and beat up his girlfriend

I screamed at the top of my lungs ***** OFF and STOP FOLLOWING ME

I walked back up to the front of a restaurant and waited til he gave up and left

Ran the rest of the way home on my dark street

Guess I won't go walking at night any more .

Hugs, jDNA, that sounds really scary! You did the right thing in yelling loudly and standing in front of a public place.

Dear T,
Still haven't emailed you. I wonder if you've thought about me at all, wondered how I was doing, whether physically and/or mentally? Even just for a fleeting moment?
Love,
LT

Well you did reply, and I am seeing you 12h and 40m from now. Please, please don't **** this up.

Hey T,

I am nervous about your upcoming move to private practice. How would it go between you discharging me from the public health service, and intake at the new place? The rooms look cozier and welcoming, but they seem smaller and somehow they makes me nervous because I'm so used to a medical setting. The big question would probably be: Will you change?

I've gotten so used to waiting in a medical waiting room and awaiting your chime, but I know from my younger brother that therapists in private tend to come out and fetch their clients. I guess I'll see more of your other clients?

Your email was unexpected, but very welcome.

Dear T,
Travel safely today.
Love,
LT

Dear T,

Now that I’m back from vacation I’m starting to feel bad again. F—k.

-c

Well that was... well it was, wasn't it? This is too weird.

You told me to get out of my head and look in my heart and see if I trust you. I said that I do, but the truth is that I dont, not unconditionally, I don't trust you not to hurt me. I love you, but as you said yourself, that's not the same thing. How much hand holding and sitting beside each other on the couch will change that?

Dear T,
My email just to confirm time tomorrow was partly to confirm time (because it's different than our usual and we didn't confirm at end of last session) and also to confirm you're still alive and will be back in town for the session (I just left that last part off).
Love,
LT

Dear Consulting T who I saw once before (aka K),
Could you please reply tomorrow to let me know about Friday? (Or, if you ended up booked up then, next week?) Think I just need to talk to an uninvolved professional about what's going on with me and T. And I want to make the appointment sooner than later, so I don't see him tomorrow, then email you and say "never mind!" If the appointment is actually on the books, I'd likely keep it.
Thanks,
LT

So much to talk about tomorrow...where to start? So many questions and potential for a broken heart. I will need you to he even more gentle than ever. Can I be that vulneravle? How would we wrap it all up so I can get to my meeting after?

Oh T that meeting where you said you would close your business if my brother hurt a child at my house and we never did anything to attempt to prevent it is going through my mind. I am afraid he might have hurt somebody close to me. please make it not true.

I would love for you to understand what I'm really feeling and to validate it.

I’m this big ol’ weirdo who emails you week after week knowing you won’t respond, and then feeling bad about it afterwards. When will I learn?

Hey T:



I know I'll tell you tomorrow about it. I hope I get through tomorrow okay.