Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Dear T,

Why haven't we added back in Fridays yet? You mentioned it weeks ago that you were almost done with what you had to deal with on Fridays and said we should consider adding it back in. It's been weeks now without you mentioning it again. I dont want to bring it up and have you say that you changed your mind about it.

I'm also really trying to get through this next week or so. My parents invited me to a baseball game on the 29th and my birthday is on the 7th. But....

been thinking about you quite a bit today. hmm.

Normally I would have seen you in 40 mins today.

It does feel weird.

I thought I was able to make it to Monday but I don't know anymore. I feel so ashamed and I can only imagine what you must think of me. I ****ing hate myself right now, I wish it didn't all hit me just now.

I'm really not doing well and grappling with whether to text you. Funny that it's the time I feel REALLY bad that I hesitate the most about reaching out. I guess I convince myself that you don't care anyway.

You're jealous that I am working with someone else on somatic stuff. I saw and heard it. The question is whether I am brave enough to bring that observation into the room because I am sure as shandy-dandy-McRandy-tandy that you aren't brave enough.

Dear T: I wish I could see you today to just bolster those feelings I had from Wednesday's session. I feel a bit worse today and I'm worried about slipping into Suicidal feelings again. I could call you but it's not a crisis (yet). Kit

T1,

I was right, this is gigantic b.s.

I absolutely need to learn to trust my instincts.

It wasn't my fault.

I don't really think it's immature to want my life to be my own. That was a ******** comment on your part. In my shoes I think you would feel the same way. You wouldn't be leaping at the chance to share every little thing in your life with C. And I wouldn't call you immature for that.

Yesterday was a Good Day. So, why are my shoulders still around my ears?

I don't know what I want.

To see you or not to see you.

Yes I'm still obviously doing the push pull thing.

I'm trying to think logically and stop being as impulsive as these last weeks. I hope you are proud...

I don’t feel safe

I don’t know whether to email you or not. Why am I so freaked about this decision. What is wrong with me.

Seriously I’m losing my mind trying to decide. This is so dumb.

**** you.
I'm sorry I feel that way. I know that right now you have something personal going on and can't deal with clients. I get that. My emotions don't seem to be able to understand that, though. For that, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'll do if you do decide to see clients again. What's your plan there? Will you be calling or emailing them to let them know? I'm already planning on ignoring you. Would you even care?

hihihi me misses you

Why do you want to hurt me. You say you don’t. I don’t believe you.

I’m panicking. 8 want to die/ I tried to hurt myself but barely could and then I got dizzy. I can’t take it anymore. You said to reach out but idk if you meant weekend because you don’t do work on weekends. I’m legit having anpn attack and I texted the crisis line and they are taking lo long to reply I can’t do it. I wish it wasn’t sautisay because then I could Reach out to you like yin said to

I decided to take a break from my meds.
I'm so tired. I don't deserve to feel good

First of all I am dreading your return on Thursday already. Although it has been wonderful to have a break 10 days are just flying by and I haven't accomplished nearly as much as I should. I'm sure you will not be happy with as you shouldn't.

My sleep patterns are still not where they should be. I have 4 more days. Ugh. Why am I such a loser. I have not journaled once. Sorry.

On another note, you will be happy to hear that I have been feeling better and have actually laughed out loud a few times. The musical was hysterical and I'm glad I went. Now for the bad news. I am wanting to quit therapy again because I feel like I am better and as good as I'm going to get. I know you don't agree with that but it doesn't take much of an improvement for me to think that way.

Regretfully I will see you this Thursday again. I hope you enjoyed your time away from me. You certainly deserved it (so did I...LOL).

For God's sake T, I just wanted you to hold me! Not just at the end, but as soon as I blinkin arrived! You couldn't sense that was what I wanted. Last week I shut down and you asked me what I wanted you to say or do, and at the time the pressure wasn't so intense, so I didn't say anything. I got the sense you would have hugged me there and then if I'd asked, or sat with me or something. Today I desperately needed that, just to calm things down inside me, but I couldn't ask and you didn't say anything so I sat there with the pressure inside boiling over until I thought I was going to pass out or puke. And when you finally did hold me I felt I just couldn't bear to let you go, ever! I wish you'd done that earlier, it was all I wanted. I'm so scared that if I say this you will say no, one hug only. Or stop hugs altogether. And then what?

I just want to say that I miss you. Like, a lot.

I emailed you like you said to. I don’t even know if you’ll see it til tomorrow. I kind of don’t really care anymore. I don’t even care about my homework, or anything. I just want to die. I don’t even know.