Couch 202: The Grande Unicorn Frappuccino couch.

velcro003 · Aug 05, 2019, 08:47 PM

Hi couch! Long time no see.

Aug 05, 2019, 09:37 PM

Hi velcro!

NP_Complete · Aug 05, 2019, 11:09 PM

I had terrible dreams about my husband last night. I wrote them down and shared with my therapist today. I think the takeaway is that I'm still scared of him. I feel kind of silly for still being scared of him. My therapist said that he felt afraid when I was still with him, so maybe I'm not being silly. We also talked about how I have no idea how he's feeling towards me now. He could be really pissed off at me for sending him to prison or he could be wanting to get back together. I have no idea where he's at. He gets out of prison in a little over a year, so we talked about thinking about planning for that and ways to make me feel safe. The restraining order does not make me feel safe. It only mandates punishment if he hurts me again. He also wants to help however he can with getting a divorce as that may send a message that he's not welcome to come back home when he gets out.

Possible trigger:

The dreams involved him trying to sexually assault me and threatening to kill me and lots of rage directed at me, all things that are correlated to what actually happened.

NP_Complete · Aug 05, 2019, 11:13 PM

@@, did you get your new camera doorbell installed? Does it record? Does it make you feel any safer?

atisketatasket · Aug 05, 2019, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

@@, did you get your new camera doorbell installed? Does it record? Does it make you feel any safer?

It got backordered (though the free EchoDot that came with it arrived weeks ago). Should be here Wednesday. I am not sure where I’m going to install it yet—can’t be on a wall since the hall belongs to the building, so probably the door frame somewhere.

My understanding is that you can subscribe to a service that will save the recordings for you. Otherwise you can only view the film live through the app.

LolaCabanna · Aug 05, 2019, 11:41 PM

In a little tiny piece of the world ... we can always find “base” on the couch

ScarletPimpernel · Aug 06, 2019, 01:33 AM

Am I crazy? I want to ask L if she loves me. I know the answer is probably no. Pretty much everyone who has loved me, has abused me in some way. And she doesn't seem like someone who would hurt me, plus since she's a T and has her boundaries and all, I'm assuming she doesn't. I wish she did. I wonder if love would feel different coming from someone who hasn't hurt me? Have any of you experienced love from someone who hasn't maliciously hurt you? Is it different? How so? Is it so wrong to want her to love me?

LolaCabanna · Aug 06, 2019, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Am I crazy? I want to ask L if she loves me. I know the answer is probably no. Pretty much everyone who has loved me, has abused me in some way. And she doesn't seem like someone who would hurt me, plus since she's a T and has her boundaries and all, I'm assuming she doesn't. I wish she did. I wonder if love would feel different coming from someone who hasn't hurt me? Have any of you experienced love from someone who hasn't maliciously hurt you? Is it different? How so? Is it so wrong to want her to love me?

This was my entire reason for therapy ... can someone love you who doesn’t wanna hurt you ? The answer is yes and the T is not that person... bitter sweet therapy

Polibeth · Aug 06, 2019, 05:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks, Healed. It's definitely possible this could be part of what's going on. Especially as I have anxious/preoccupied attachment. It may be related to his having been away, so part of me felt upset with that and abandoned, so now I'm sort of pushing him away. Especially knowing he'll be away again at the end of this month. It could definitely be something to explore with him.

I also think it's tied into how much he really cares about me. Like, I want him to prove his caring. If he's not even willing to stand up briefly, how much could he possibly care? Which I know isn't really fair.

And I tend to get scared when things seem to be going well with someone (romantically, T, a friend). I mean, my general response to having love feelings to someone is "Oh ****." Because then I feel I'm set up to get hurt. Because I let myself feel that. I felt vulnerable with T today because I told him what I wanted from him. In the email I sent while he was away, I also admitted that I missed him. Which is a big deal for me.

And I have felt more connected to him lately, particularly right before he left for this trip. Which is scary. I keep thinking "OK, he gets it now" with stuff regarding me, then some small slight and it's like "OK, he doesn't get it at all." Which, black & white thinking.

Also, his hair was cut shorter than normal today, which I think threw me off. Seems like such a silly thing, but it still affected me. I felt weird saying that though.

((LT))

I'm not being judgy at all. I've had the exact same behavior pattern with someone in my past. I think, most likely, your T is very confused right now. You've been seeing him for a significant amount of time and never mentioned the not standing up as an issue - then suddenly it is a big issue - and he doesn't know why because you've never mentioned it before (though I do think it's weird that he stays seated).

As far as his responses to your emails. If he replies with a response that you've expected in your head you love him and all is good. If he responds in an unexpected way you get very upset. But he is not a mind reader. I did the exact same thing with someone in my life about a decade ago. I had to unlearn that response pattern but it was so worth it.

I hope you can talk to your T about both of these things and I hope you are feeling better this morning.

Aug 06, 2019, 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

This was my entire reason for therapy ... can someone love you who doesn’t wanna hurt you ? The answer is yes and the T is not that person... bitter sweet therapy

What happens if the therapist claims to be a person who can do that?

LonesomeTonight · Aug 06, 2019, 05:55 AM

Hugs, NP...those dreams sound really awful.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 06, 2019, 06:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Polibeth

((LT))

I'm not being judgy at all. I've had the exact same behavior pattern with someone in my past. I think, most likely, your T is very confused right now. You've been seeing him for a significant amount of time and never mentioned the not standing up as an issue - then suddenly it is a big issue - and he doesn't know why because you've never mentioned it before (though I do think it's weird that he stays seated).

As far as his responses to your emails. If he replies with a response that you've expected in your head you love him and all is good. If he responds in an unexpected way you get very upset. But he is not a mind reader. I did the exact same thing with someone in my life about a decade ago. I had to unlearn that response pattern but it was so worth it.

I hope you can talk to your T about both of these things and I hope you are feeling better this morning.

Thanks, Polibeth. I know I do follow that pattern with him and to some extent with some other people. I guess part of me feels like he should know me well enough by now to know what works for me and what doesn't (like in an email). So if he sends a response that just is totally off, there's this "Does he even know me at all?" feeling. Which I know is black and white thinking.

And you're right that he's probably confused right now by my strong reaction to the standing thing (I have talked about his parting words before). I think I just assumed he'd be like, "Oh, why didn't you say something sooner? Of course I can stand." So his "I'm just going to have to stand then sit back down again. I'm not willing to change my routine" confused *me.* It's like we both doubled down.

I'm worried that he will come out as really defensive in his email response (which I'll likely receive in an hour or two, as his usual time for replying to emails is the morning before he goes to the office). And that he'll be letting all his feelings get in the way. Maybe he'll just say we should talk about it in session--that would probably be the smart thing for him to do.

I appreciate the support from you and the others on the couch.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 06, 2019, 06:51 AM

My T replied, a very long, defensive, sh**ty reply. I hate him right now. Like I'm contemplating terminating.

Aug 06, 2019, 07:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

My T replied, a very long, defensive, sh**ty reply. I hate him right now. Like I'm contemplating terminating.

Do you want to share some of what he said? You can PM if you want.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 06, 2019, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jersey 4

Do you want to share some of what he said? You can PM if you want.

Sure, I'll PM you (and anyone else interested) with what I wrote and his reply (warning that both are long!)

Aug 06, 2019, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sure, I'll PM you (and anyone else interested) with what I wrote and his reply (warning that both are long!)

It’s okay if it’s long. I have 3 hours before I leave for work. Have at it.

Oliviab · Aug 06, 2019, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sure, I'll PM you (and anyone else interested) with what I wrote and his reply (warning that both are long!)

I would be interested if you're willing to PM me. I don't post here much, but I've been following your story with much interest (and some parallels) since way back in the former T and MC days.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 06, 2019, 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliviab

I would be interested if you're willing to PM me. I don't post here much, but I've been following your story with much interest (and some parallels) since way back in the former T and MC days.

Sent! Thanks.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 06, 2019, 07:55 AM

I'm probably overreacting to T's email. It's just his arrogant tone is really bothering me. And how he's mostly making it about him, not me. I'm the client.

Elio · Aug 06, 2019, 07:56 AM

You know, if something magically stops working, why can't it magically start working again, right?

Wireless keyboard at work died on me overnight one night and I still can't seem to throw it out. I periodically check to see if it works again. It wasn't that old, it was one of the cheaper ones. Maybe simply because it doesn't make sense, I can't let it go. Sounds like a familiar story.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 06, 2019, 07:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elio

You know, if something magically stops working, why can't it magically start working again, right?

Wireless keyboard at work died on me overnight one night and I still can't seem to throw it out. I periodically check to see if it works again. It wasn't that old, it was one of the cheaper ones. Maybe simply because it doesn't make sense, I can't let it go. Sounds like a familiar story.

Possible trigger:

Have you tried smacking it?

That's one of my hardware solutions (and used to be how I could fix copier at a former workplace!)

darkestpart · Aug 06, 2019, 08:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sure, I'll PM you (and anyone else interested) with what I wrote and his reply (warning that both are long!)

LT-
I would love to read your email exchange!

ElectricManatee · Aug 06, 2019, 08:33 AM

I'd be interested in reading it too. Maybe I can be of help? Or at least commiserate since things have gone off the rails with my T too.

JaneTennison1 · Aug 06, 2019, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sure, I'll PM you (and anyone else interested) with what I wrote and his reply (warning that both are long!)

I'd like to know, but then you might not want my opinion as it is not always very high of T lol

chihirochild · Aug 06, 2019, 08:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sure, I'll PM you (and anyone else interested) with what I wrote and his reply (warning that both are long!)

Me too, please?

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