Couch 202: The Grande Unicorn Frappuccino couch.

My T doesn’t walk me to the door or open the door because of how his office is set up and he wants me to know that I control the door (a safety thing because I tend to be afraid of men).
To me the violation of basic manners bugs the crap out of me! Lol. As his client, that would have been a huge put off from session one. My T came downstairs the first session (every session) and gave me lots of space. When he entered the waiting room I stood up (basic respect IMO) and faced him. He quickly judged my comfort level and reached out to shake my hand as he introduced himself. I smiled and relaxed a bit knowing he understood and would abide by normal social graces not some crazy T rules that I may not know. At the end of the first session he stood again and shook my hand. He didn’t walk me to the door but he did move to where I could see him until I got to the door.
I’m not sure I would have made it past the first session with your T or I would have taken a B*y alpha position and stood up so he would have to stand to reach my hand. BUT if you haven’t said anything out of not wanting to bother him then I would definitely bring it up to him. My T is constantly trying to reinforce that my needs/wants/preferences are worthy of discussion and his attention. He would be elated for me to tell him something bothered me especially if it was something as easy to fix as standing to shake my hand... but then I am learning my T is kinda one in a million.

Yes, because I need to practice accepting (and expecting) nurturing from someone in a healthy relationship. I've not really had that experience before.

Although I do worry that our definitions of nurturing might be vastly different. Who's to know?

ETA No physical touch between me and my T. But I get encouragement and praise when I do good things and no shame when I can't do those good things.

I woke up in the middle of the night with another epiphany, that I apparently operate under some faulty math: to me, love + caring = worry + guilt. Topic for this week's session.

OK, it is Sunday afternoon... T is most likely on his way home unless he is going directly from his guys weekend to the place he is working at this week... see if I can hold off a few more hours before sending an email... *sigh*. Would have done well had he not been away next week.

Yeah, I think it's more about the standing up than opening the door. Plus the way his desk and the door are situated, it would be somewhat awkward for him to open the door, like I'd have to move out of the way. So really, it's the standing up to shake hands/say goodbye.

Thanks una, that is definitely true, this whole situation has definitely been a lesson to both of them to stop spending their money so recklessly. He doesn't like to talk money with me so I imagine he is more like his dad in that regard.

Thanks NP. You're right of course, it has been stressful on both of them and just because they're in their new place now, doesn't mean the stress is over, it's empty and they are living out of boxes and sleeping on the air mattress still. I mean it's a nice air bed, as far as that goes, not a pool float kind. But not a real bed. Thinking about it more logically this morning I think he feels like he's somehow failing her as a boyfriend/future husband (they've already been talking about getting engaged) because they don't have furniture yet. I don't know though as he didn't tell me. I think he should work overtime for a few months (at his job, he can right now) and each paycheck save the overtime pay, then as it grows buy each item with cash first a bed, next a couch, etc etc that way they don't have to go into debt. I may share that idea with him but I don't know if it's my place. My mom said that we need to let them figure it out on their own so they can continue to grow through it. I suppose she is right. And you are right too. I did the best that I knew how to do all the way along and loved him so much. And I really can't ask anything more of myself than that.

Thank you for the "Artie bean" that made me grin so big!

And you're right too, thank you. I didn't do any of the things with him that went on in my childhood. I mean, to make sure I didn't, I even moved across the country (around 2,000 miles) away from my parents when I was only 2 months pregnant with son to make sure that I wouldn't be too influenced by them! That fact alone should make me a superstar in my own book. Moving that far away from everything I had ever known was hard enough, but doing it while in the early stages of pregnancy was crazy. But I knew I had to do it.

After the epiphany that woke me, I went back to sleep and my psyche rewarded me with a wonderful, fantastical dream that upon waking from, I realized it just gave me a story idea. Previous sorta-plans for today are now canceled in favor of my imagination and starting work on the story inspired by my dream.

My T uses a lot of touch which I am very thankful for but it is the things he says that really feel the most nurturing. The most recent one we were talking about how I was not held as an infant and was most likely born drug addicted. T said had he been a nurse in that hospital he would have held me even knowing that I couldn’t be soothed. He would have cradled her and told her he was sorry she was born into these difficulties. How he hoped that somewhere in her life she would find healthy, loving people that could nurture her and meet her needs. That she deserved to be loved. Then at the end of session he held me in a longer than usual hug and re-anchored some of the things he “would have” said to infant me.

The other one that is starting to feel very nurturing is when we are talking about something and the unmet need isn’t obvious he will ask what I need from him or what would feel helpful. He might not be able to do exactly what I want or need but he always finds a way to do something to meet that need the best he can.

L has asked me that before, "what would feel helpful right now", when I've been a bit un-reachable. My answer has always been "I don't know" because I just don't. I think now that maybe just her being there and willing to listen was enough in those moments for Little Artie to get what she didn't get a long time ago. Thanks Omers, what you said helped me figure that out.

Thanks Scarlet! It's a pattern I found on ravelry.com that I modified a little and only did half of the rounds because I liked the size where I stopped. I don't know what I'm going to do with them but making them is so calming. I figured out, it's the circles that are so calming to me. I think that's why I like making that star afghan pattern so much, because it's basically circular too. Pointy, but circular!

Chihirochild, with former T I didn't consciously want nurturing because I feared it--but I absolutely needed it. He was smart, I think, to do so in a very understated sort of way. Anything overt and I probably would have bolted. It sounds to me like your T was responding to your depression in a very CBT behavioral sort of way. I think he missed the boat. You have huge responsibilities that come with equally serious consequences--and you meet them. What I think he's been missing is just how much psychic energy, as well as physical energy, it takes for you to do so. You're running on empty. Maybe it would help alleviate that to give you some nurturing energy boost, so I hope he does.

Art, is there a reason you haven't been back to CODA meetings? Because what you've been describing--all the mood stuff and self-blame--isn't founded in anything objective. You have no idea what your son was thinking or feeling. You made an assumption based on your emotions and ran with it. And then that left you feeling needy and wanting L. That's a classic codependency cycle. And it had stopped when you were going to the meetings. Why not go back?

I've been feeling run down physically this weekend, especially today.
I'm very anxious and overwhelmed about the level of care assessment that I scheduled for tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. I haven't talked to T about it yet and won't see him before I go to my session. He offered to let me come in earlier tomorrow, but I don't have the time between my wound care appt, my D's gymnastics and the assessment.

There are times that I need T to be nurturing, and there are times when it repulses me. Our last rupture was partly because of this topic. I had a session I felt like he was pushing, and pushing. He called it therapeutic challenge and I just said he choose the wrong time for a “therapeutic challenge.” I need the softer, caring t.

But then my T doesn’t see me as sick at all. He sees me as having a lot of unmet needs and carrying a lot of painful memories.



Omers, this was true for former T as well. But part of that was his orientation was Counseling Psychology, not Clinical. Is your T a Counseling Psychologist?

T is a psychologist who focuses on marriage and family therapy. I would label him existentialist humanistic but he is very well versed in many schools of thought. He is also very experiential and has a ton of training in psychodrama too. I am not sure if this answers your question or not... he is kinda hard to get into a box.

"How do you define being nurtured in therapy?"

I cannot even imagine such a thing enough to define it. It is so outside any experience I have ever had with one of those people that it isn't even something I can fathom. I can imagine all sorts of absurd ideas and scenarios, but this one leaves me blank and puzzled.

Good point FKM. I did go back not long ago, but haven't again since. I really should because I did find it helpful.

Omers, Counseling Psychology PhD is a particular credential with a different philosophy from Clinical Psychology PhD or Psych D. Clinical generally views emotional issues as mental illness, whereas Counseling views the same emotional issues as largely developmental/environmental. It's not a difference of modality, more a philosophical orientation. Both recognize mental illnesses that are clearly defined--like schizophrenia--but see personality disorders and emotional mal-adjustments not as "sickness" but as mal- adaptations to circumstances.

On a whim, H bought a package of carrot cake Oreos, and I thought of you all. I'd much prefer either an Oreo or a slice of carrot cake.

As far as nurturing, I think I'd like a T who was nurturing again, but I'm tired of finding new therapists. The one I see now isn't really nurturing.

On recipe rehab yesterday, the girl chef made carrot cake ICE CREAM. She lost!

Ooh, how dastardly that she lost! That sounds yummy. I love carrot cake.

Yes, always.

Eric Idle said that comedians come from maternal neglect.

How ghastly!

Is the desk between you?