Couch 202: The Grande Unicorn Frappuccino couch.

So...today I talked to my T about his not standing up when I leave. T: "Well, that would mean I'd have to stand up then just sit right back down again to type notes on the computer." Me: "OK..." T: "And I'm not willing to change my routine." So I've now sat in a T's office sobbing because they aren't willing to stand up when I leave... T: "It seems like this is really bothering you." Me: "I guess you can tell because I'm sobbing?" T: "It doesn't take a PhD for that." Me: "No." Also talked about what he says at the end, like how he said "Enjoy" when shaking my hand before he left for his vacation when he knew it would be hard for me. He said that he doesn't really think about those comments, that to him it's like making small talk with the cashier at the grocery store. Me: "But I haven't just been crying for an hour with the cashier at the grocery store." T: "Fair point."

I mentioned paying at the beginning instead, and he said we could do that, and then he'd stand up when I leave because he'd be walking over to his desk. So...gonna try that I guess.

Also, I mentioned R touching my back, and he was like, "I'm not a touchy-feely person." Me: "Yeah, I know." I really feel I connected more to his fish than him today--she (fish) seemed quite happy to see me and followed my finger all around.

I had a pretty good visit with my sister and the children this weekend. The children are not well behaved but I still enjoyed hanging out with them for the most part. They bicker and fight all day long which gets old but my Dad took the four oldest to the Lion King on Friday and I went shopping with my Mom, my Sister, and the two year old. That was fun. After they left on Saturday to go home I was able to get my eye appointment done and my new glasses ordered. They are black on the outside and pink on the inside. I'll get them in a week and a half to two weeks. They cost me nearly $200 which is a lot but my insurance covered part of it. I think I spent closer to $350 on my last pair so I think I got a pretty good deal. I may order a second pair from Warby Parker or something because I have a history of losing my glasses. So...yeah. We'll see. I'm feeling okay. Kind of depressed. I'm tired too. I got up early to walk which was good because I need the exercise, but now I'm feeling it. So I'm trying to drink some caffeine. HUGS Kit

Sorry obviously I misunderstood something here but I thought T walked you to the door, you paid, he shook your hand and left. Does he not do that when you leave? Does he just sit in his chair while you pay, shake hands and leave? Weird.

Oh, I didn't realize she still doesn't have custody. Hope the paternal aunt does something. And Violet is lots of fun! Really, most anything Leapfrog.

Yeah...he goes to his desk and sits down to do the billing. I do that, then he stays seated while we shake hands, then I turn and open the door myself and leave, while he stays seated, starting to do stuff on the computer. Glad others find that weird! It's honestly bothered me since the beginning, but it seemed too minor to bring up. And I fully expected him today to say he'd just start standing if it meant something to me, but...nope!

Ex-MC used to go over, open the door, then we'd walk over and shake his hand and leave. Ex-T would walk over and open the door for me and stay standing while I left (occasionally we'd hug). So that's what I'm used to.

And current T is a semi-pro athlete--it's not like standing for 30 seconds would be a physical hardship for him...

Some of these guys seem very set in their ways. I'm also thinking of SalingerEsme's therapist.

Shaking hands seems so formal. Do you like shaking hands with him every session? I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. I don't think I even shook hands with mine the first time we met, but I was so nervous I don't really recall.

Yeah... I'm OK with the hand-shaking. To me it's sort of a happy medium between no touch and a hug. And I'm not sure how to describe this, but his handshakes tend to be very warm, like it doesn't feel like a business thing. More of a hand squeeze sort of, I guess? Ex-MC at one point would shake hands both at the start and the end, and I mentioned that today, too. But was like, "I'm not asking you to do that." I do feel it helped ground me at the start of session with ex-MC (he stopped when he changed offices because the door setup was more awkward--apparently I'm the only client who said anything, which is how these things go...) But I imagine T would say no to a handshake at the beginning too if he isn't even willing to ****ing stand.

Hi couch. I have a giant headache today and wish I could just go sleep. But I'm working and we're going to dinner this evening with son and gf. To celebrate their new place. I am gonna try to nap between work and dinner.

Maybe he needs to baby his knees or hips?

Aside from that, why do you think that your sobbing is a good reason for him to do anything? It's not a good tactic for anyone to use to convince someone to do something, is it? Except maybe a baby if they are hungry or need a diaper change or something. Shouldnt everyone else use their words? What is this really about?

I did use my words and explain. He just didn't seem to really care. If he needed to baby his knees or hips...then he should have told me that. And I'd have respected that. But he made it about his routine.

It's weird, it's rude, and it's very self-centered. But that's been his MO all along. He practices in a certain way, I believe he actually has a very set approach to all matters psych, and you've been working to educate him since Day 1 to work in a way that helps you. But while he eventually will accommodate you in certain very discrete things, his overall approach to therapy hasn't changed at all. You're still fighting the same battles over and over. Is there a point to continuing these repeating cycles?

I understand you're upset, LT, but isn't this really a conflict between his routine and what you would like to be his routine? He doesn't want to stand up, you want him to stand up. Immovable force, irresistible object. It's his office, tiebreaker goes to him imo.

I guess I just don't see why it matters. What is the therapeutic benefit to you of his standing up? It seems to me that you've gotten the idea that if he stands up it means he values you and now everything is riding on that for you. If the therapeutic benefit is just to feel valued, well, I think this guy has demonstrated several times at least he does value you. What's the point of another hoop for him to jump through?

Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not criticizing you. You're clearly in tremendous pain over this...but I think this is one of those times where it would be good to let things go. In Hollywood they say you're only as good as your last movie. I don't think that should apply in real relationships.

I think this may be one of those areas where you can have your feelings about something and it is fine for you to have those feelings, but your feelings don't dictate what someone else does or doesn't do.

I don't like the guy and I think he is an authoritarian asshole, but I also don't change some things about how I teach just because a student cries at me about them. The student can drop my class if they dislike it enough. This guy is, from what you have described, very much a my way or the highway kind of person. So the choice is to deal with it or to find a new one in my view. I also think he may be drawing a line over crying doesn't mean people will do what you want.

He is making it impossible for you to hug him goodbye. Is that what needs to be said? If he cared, he would allow that, and not make up excuses like a routine?

Cuz maybe if he stands up, then he will want to pee, or otherwise have to arrange his shorts, for whatever reason, and he doesnt want to say that. I mean, Nadal was ALWAYS picking his shorts out of his butt. I had to stop watching him.

I just cannot see me winning a similar argument with any of my ts. Why would i be so hung up on something they were doing?

I started this economics problem almost 2 hours ago. It's taken 90 minutes to solve. At least I got it right. Now I need a nap.

Oh he'd never allow a hug. He basically said that from day 1. I really do wonder if right now I'm playing out stuff with my dad. Who also wasn't that affectionate (is a bit more since my D was born), and I didn't get what I needed from him.

And great, now I'm thinking of my T picking his pants out of his butt. That does humanize him more, I suppose...

I'm pretty sure this is about something else. And maybe someone else, like childhood stuff. I'm just trying to figure out exactly what it's about.

I need a nap just from reading about you taking an economics class

5th time SD and i are in agreement.

Hope the couch doesnt explode. <== whited-out exclamation point.

I 2nd that.

Eta that was about taking the economics class

Good thing I was sitting down and resting because of ATAT's econ class

Is that badinage?

Y'all are just jealous 'cause I'm growing my brain.

Now that's badinage, baby.

ETA: the next and last problem looks even worse. I'd post the formulae but I don't want to make anyone ill.

Thanks, FKM. He's shifted quite a bit since I first started seeing him. And in a way that encourages me. But then he'll say or do something that makes me wonder if he actually understands at all.


I think I'm fighting this battle to replicate something from my past. Perhaps childhood with my father? It seems to fit. It's like I have some small victory when he acquiesces to something, like offering me the old stone again, seeming particularly caring, etc. But then there's a disconnect again, and it hurts me. But also sort of makes me want to try harder. It's like...this is going to sound rather pathetic...but it's like I'm trying to get him to love me (platonically). And show that. At times, I feel he does on some level. At other times....yeah I dunno. I feel understood and accepted by him at times, and that means a lot. But other times, like today, I just feel like he thinks I'm some sort of weirdo. He'd never say that. But I mystify him. He's been in practice like 20 years--why doesn't he get it? How am I possibly the only client he's had like this? Maybe they all ran away far before this point...

But it's like I feel that I need to work something out with this T. I'm not entirely sure what it is, or if it could even happen, but there's something. And I have made a considerable amount of progress with him, moreso than with ex-T and ex-MC. He's helping...it just hurts like hell at times. But maybe that's just therapy?