[Omers]

T has brought up several things in session that he worries have made me angry but I might be afraid to bring up. Things like how often he is out of the office, not always having the same time slot for me, not answering every single email I send (he did promise to read all of them), and several others. He seemed kinda surprised when I said that Winnicott always resonated with me with his talk of the good enough parent... that T is a good enough T for me.
He is real with me
He cares
He wants me to feel safe in session
He is nurturing
He uses appropriate touch with me
He is very experienced in working with trauma
He is attuned to me and my needs
He is sensitive
He is open to my sometimes crazy ideas
He shares relevant personal information with me
He just does a lot of things right.

I know he worries that I am not telling him when I am angry with him. In all fairness he knows I don’t like anger, especially my own. But he does have quirks that bug me... he was picking his teeth once in session, he doesn’t tuck his shirts in during the summer (he does in the winter though). He is a tad OCD. Sometimes he gets into what we are talking about and ends up in a monologue monopolizing the conversation. But they aren’t deal breakers or anything worth fussing over.

Am I idealizing him? Does there have to be ruptures in therapy? Can therapists be human in session or only after work??? Am I just an odd client? I don’t get why he is so worried I am angry. I told him he was good enough T for me and he truly looked perplexed. I know he is familiar with Winnicott.

[SheHulk07]

This isn't probably the same thing, but my T has been on a kick lately too about telling him when I'm angry or frustrated with him. I'm not sure the whole reasoning behind it. He said it's okay to tell someone when something they do upsets me, and that it doesn't mean they're going to leave. That our "relationship" can withstand it. I've told him it's very hard for me to get upset with people unless I feel like they're not hearing me, and he hasn't made me feel that way.

[susannahsays]

Well, the amount of time he spends away pisses me off. You can tell him that and maybe he'll feel better knowing somebody out there is scowling whenever she sees he's gone off again. Probably will make him feel important.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

For me, the concept of the good enough therapist works. No one is perfect, there are always going to be things that bug us about other people, therapists or not. I think it's really good and important that your t gives space for the things that might be be a problem for you so that your feelings can be heard. Maybe your t is worried that things could deteriorate if they're not talked about? You're certainly not an odd client, if your t works for you than that's great.

I see my t as good enough and to be honest often more than good enough. I do think there's a bit of idealising going on still but she really is a fantastic t, extremely sensitive and attuned to me and very nurturing. However, when there are potential problems I really appreciate it when she acknowledges how I'm feeling. There was an instance recently when she inadvertently gave too much information in a text which was triggering for me but we talked about it and she was extremely sensitive and validating and recognised what wasnt helpful to me, and that was all that mattered.

I understand the good enough mother to be a mother who provides sufficient care and love in order that the child learns to tolerate the (inevitable) instances where its needs are not met. The mother creates sufficient safety for the child so that it experiences its unmet needs as manageable. She is satisfying the child and giving it enough; she is giving it enough good stuff that the bad stuff can also be integrated. This seems different from a definition of a good enough mother which is based on an idea that the mother is almost perfect but falls short in some way. This latter definition seems to be what you are using to describe your therapist - he would be perfect if only he didn't pick his teeth and tuck in his shirt. This sounds like a kind of idolisation to me, you can't really integrate his imperfections and would rather not fuss over them. Perhaps if you were experiencing him as "enough", it would be safe to tell him that you are angry or irritated or repulsed by him.

I don't get why a T would experience worry?

Why would a trained T be worried about a clients anger?

I like that your T’s encourage you to discuss anything you might be angry about. I’m in two minds about accepting the ‘good enough’ T. I think that sometimes in relationships it’s good to assert yourself and not take any crap. Maybe the T relationship is a good place to try out doing that. Also perhaps we should have high expectations of what we get from them? They are professionals and we deserve to have high quality of therapy from them.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by SheHulk07

This isn't probably the same thing, but my T has been on a kick lately too about telling him when I'm angry or frustrated with him. I'm not sure the whole reasoning behind it. He said it's okay to tell someone when something they do upsets me, and that it doesn't mean they're going to leave. That our "relationship" can withstand it. I've told him it's very hard for me to get upset with people unless I feel like they're not hearing me, and he hasn't made me feel that way.

I actually think this is a lot of what is going on with my T. I have not had reason to assert myself with him or get angry yet so he isn’t sure I can. We had one misunderstanding where I was obviously very upset but we worked through it quickly and easily.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by The mouse

I don't get why a T would experience worry?

Why would a trained T be worried about a clients anger?

Some do some don’t. My T believes very firmly in a genuine relationship that allows him some space to be him. He has owned his fear that I will get upset with him and leave therapy without talking to him (abandon him). He can have the fear he just can’t act out of it, he still has to do therapy with me even at the risk of pissing me off.

I guess in the way he was taught there is much more acceptance that there are two people in the room he isn’t a blank slate for transference, he isn’t simply a detached doctor prescribing treatment. He said a few sessions ago “my job is to be your Dr. The relationship we are creating in that process is a real relationship outside of being your Dr. Being your Dr though I need to always put your treatment first in our relationship.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by Wild at heart

I like that your T’s encourage you to discuss anything you might be angry about. I’m in two minds about accepting the ‘good enough’ T. I think that sometimes in relationships it’s good to assert yourself and not take any crap. Maybe the T relationship is a good place to try out doing that. Also perhaps we should have high expectations of what we get from them? They are professionals and we deserve to have high quality of therapy from them.

I totally agree with this too. I pay him a LOT of money (I have to work 14hrs for each hour I see him). Too often with previous T’s my expectations were not high enough and to be honest, in hind sight the did not “earn their keep”. I think part of my process this go around is what do I expect to get as a service from that investment. I have started seeing him as a consultant which was the field I worked in before I left work for family.
One of the tough ones for me is how often he is out of the office. He canceled one session abruptly when his grandchild was born but he warned me for a month that when the baby was born he was taking a couple days off and then he has gone on vacation one week. The other absences are about 50/50 between working at a different program and professional development. Professional development makes him a better T for me but he still does a lot more of it than is required. The weeks away, like this week, where he is working out of state are the ones I struggle with the most. I have been honest that while I am not jealous of his other clients I am very jealous about his time at this other program. This week I really need him and he is there the whole week and more available to the clients there than he is to me even when he is in his office. So yeh, these ones bug me.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Well, the amount of time he spends away pisses me off. You can tell him that and maybe he'll feel better knowing somebody out there is scowling whenever she sees he's gone off again. Probably will make him feel important.

thanks. It is really helpful to have someone get how much I need him now.

[Xynesthesia2]

From some of your posts, it does sound like you idealize this therapist, but maybe it's just me. Some Ts are a bit obsessive about anger and seem to think clients universally have issues with anger/expression of anger and will benefit from doing it in therapy (but sometimes cannot handle it when it happens). If you think it is not relevant to you, I would just tell him.

[feralkittymom]

I think there probably is some idealization, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can act like a bridge to help you take therapeutic risks you otherwise wouldn't. But I think from a T's point of view, it's a fine line to walk: too much idealization can threaten to hide a "negative transference" brewing (and this can be unconscious, so exist despite conscious good feelings). I think this is what Winnicott is actually talking about, as comrademoomoo explained. I think of it like earthquakes: little ones are protective because they release pressure building up and we can build structures to withstand them; big ones are deadly.

[Omers]

Thanks, somehow I missed reading comrademoomoo’s reply and I agree that it is what Winnicott was saying. Sometimes you need to put it out there and have it echoed back to see how it sounds different.
I think of weeks like this week when I really need him and he is gone as more of those “little earthquakes” than the weird stuff he does that bug me.