What's wrong with my therapist?

I have seen my new therapist 3 times. She is a Psychologist and is my age (68). During the sessions, she will sit there quietly and not interact with me at all, she just lets me talk, types what I say into her computer.


The only thing she said to me yesterday was to start working in a workbook that I have and then she asked me to think about why I want to be depressed?

Now, this is a therapist who advertises working for the Dept of the Army with PTSD issues with troops coming out of battle and trauma victims and yet she just sits behind her desk way away from me and does not interact.I brought to her a recent traumatic event that left me significantly triggered and she said nothing when I told her what happened. I was stunned with her reaction, which was nothing. When I looked up her ratings on the computer, there were others there that commented on the same thing.


On Monday when I see her again, I am going to let her know this is not working for me, her style. I am looking for someone that is more interactive, more empathetic and will give me feedback. When I asked for feedback she shook her head and said she has no comment, which is causing me to now look at her therapy style.


Birdie

I agree that you should find a new therapist. WTH are you paying her for right?

Thank you Sarah for your quick reply and validating what I needed to hear.

Birdie

Well I am going to go out on a limb here and support the idea that maybe there is nothing wrong with the therapist and that expectations might be high.

Perhaps I am off base to include the OP in this crowd but I see all the time the expectation that a therapist is supposed to be an end-all-cure-all. I would not expect headway to be made after only three visits - especially if the client's issues are serious, complicated, and/or multi-faceted. What I see is a therapist in the initial observation stage. They may simply not be saying anything or interjecting on account the OP is talkative, animated, and eager to be communicative. If the OP is freely talking about themselves, the problems they are having, and their life situation the therapist may see no need AT THIS POINT to ask questions and otherwise get heavily involved.

I do an awful lot of talking in my own sessions while my therapist takes copious notes. I don't really recall us getting down to work until the first month went by. I myself incidentally am seeing a therapist for traumas that occurred while in the military. We didn't get right down to dealing with the trauma. Instead, she seemed to do a lot of observing in the beginning, having me do homework, and then worked first with me on the symptoms like the anxiety. It took time to start the nitty-gritty work.

This is great feedback Wishful Thank you and thank you for going out on a limb with this and brainstorming about this issue I am facing. What you say makes sense. I guess I will give it more time and yes, I did do alot of the talking.

My psych doc wanted me to go into partial hospitalization for stabilization and structure after observing this traumatic event, but my insurance is not being accepted (Medicare) + Supplement in any hospitals in my area at this time. I do feel I need alot more intensive care.

I asked if there were support groups that my therapist participates in or suggests and she just shook her head no.


Seeing her once a week is not enough for me right now too, I think that is what I am feeling right now.


Birdie

For me, there are several things that wouldn't work at all for me.

First, her sitting at her desk. That would feel cold and impersonal to me. My therapist sits in a chair across from me and sometimes moves to his rolling desk chair so he is closer to me.

Second, typing into a computer. That would be so distracting. I once had to do a phone interview with a forensic psychologist for a court case and she was typing and I found it really irritating (although, to be fair, I was already irritated at having to talk to her). My therapist takes notes on a notepad he keeps by his chair. Sometimes more, sometimes less. It doesn't (usually) bother me.

Third, asking you why you want to be depressed. What the hell kind of question is that?

Fourth, the lack of interaction. I understand that in the beginning the client is likely to do most of the talking, but there should still be some sort of interaction. Asking clarifying questions. Validating your feelings. I don't want to pay someone to sit there and be a note-taking robot.

I would personally keep looking for a therapist and see if I could find someone a little warmer.

There is a difference with a therapist listening to the client and giving them space to tell their story versus not interacting with clients at all. That would put me off.

She is not just blank-slate but cold and disengaged. Where is the interpersonal, relational, element? That style of therapy wouldn't work for me.

I am a huge believer in trying out several therapists before settling on one or two of them. If this one's style isn't working for you - try others. It is, to me, a pointless waste of a client's time and money to go to one who is this bizarre. I wouldn't keep giving this one a chance no matter how good they look on paper. I would move on.

Thank you NP ~ Yes, you touched on all the items that are bothering me about my last sessions. The desk is a big problem, as I feel that is a physical barrier. Her typing with those long red nails is a huge disruption, just the tapping noises and her turning her back to me to type is very annoying. It breaks my concentration. Yes, the telling me that I want to be depressed and what would it be like to me if I chose not to be depressed was extremely off-putting and I could not answer her question because I have never had a moment in my life where I experienced relief from chronic clinical depression. It was almost as if she was taunting me unfairly, catching me off guard and not preparing me for the question and not caring how I would react and not responding to my reaction at all, just leaving it handing in the air between us. This was said in the last moments of our session and then she suddenly announced our session was over. I was up and out of there with heart pounding in my ears fleeing to the bathroom to seek a sense of safety.


I hesitate to mention this, but what the heck, here goes.... what she wears is extremely off-putting. She wears dramatically red lipstick, dark lines around her eyes, with very long red nails. Her color plate of clothing is stark and harsh, same with her hair. It's soo odd that how a person presents themselves will affect a therapy session. I find I constantly look away to a fragmented picture of a person who is in pieces all over the picture which I also find disconcerting. I guess I am looking for the therapist who has a comfortable environment and does not have stark colors and scary pictures. I find nothing calm about her or her environment. I will go back one more time and observe instead of talk and ask her questions and see how she responds. She has remarkable and impeccable credentials, but there is where it all stops.


I am reaching out to other therapists today, but finding most no longer accept Medicare patients or all are no longer accepting insurance at all.


Thank you for your candid response NP

Birdie

I don't think this therapist would work for me. I think I would just be sitting there in silence. I hope you can find another T that works better for you. HUGS Kit

I also urge you to find someone you can talk to. To me she sounds appalling.

Yes, I am quite surprised they would allow this in this practice. I don't understand why she feels the need to present herself in this manner.

And she is a very tall, large woman too.


Birdie

I guess I had soo much I needed to address that I tolerated everything and overlooked soo much. Now that I have had time to think about all this, I do feel muted and silenced by her overbearing style of presentation. It's not what she says, which is virtually nothing, it's her environment and her that is extremely off-putting.


I am working on some art therapy now and it's quite revealing, it's helping me identify emotions I cannot put into writing or words to help myself. Will take that into show her next week and see how she responds to that.


Birdie

If you still don't like her after this session, I would definitely leave. Don't force yourself to go through that.

I don't think it is worth going back to her, especially if you are paying her. You will end up subjecting yourself to more aggravation. Besides all the irritating things she did, I really think that she was inappropriate when she mentioned that you enjoy your depression. Wow just wow! That is good that you are already looking for another therapist. Please run for the hills!

Hello Going ~ You are correct about subjecting myself to more aggravation. Yes, I agree about her comment that I was enjoying my depression. So, will see her one more time and to bridge the gap to see their psych doc at same day at that practice. Hoping in the meantime I can secure another therapist. Unfortunately she is the only one in that large practice that accepts Medicare.

Birdie

I think you are quite right Seeker. You know when I stood up to leave, it was an abrupt ending to our discussion, no grounding, no mindfulness to bring me out of the trauma I was talking about. I was thrust out in the lobby with many people milling around. I fled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face to start the grounding process. All the way home I felt light headed and somewhat detached until I arrived safely home.


I feel I need to see her one more time to express myself to her about her presentation and therapy style and see what happens. She may transition me to another therapist in the practice, although I was told she was the only one who accepts my insurance.

Birdie

Thank you Riv for validating my experience with her There were similar comments about her style online in Yelp and several other reporting sites, but I had to give it a try and see for myself.


I agree about the coldness and disengaged part about her. She would busy herself with drinking water throughout the session from this oversized jug which distracted me too.


So, hoping I can find a new therapist asap.

Birdie

Hi Stopdog ~ Thank you for your reply. I needed a nudge to get out the door from her and not go back again. I put out several feelers today and hoping someone will call me back with good news and I can not go back to her ever again.


Birdie

I am sorry that this is so hard. I really hope that you are able to find someone outside of that practice. Too bad that you can't switch to the psychiatrist that you are going to meet with.

Can you go to a Day Treatment Center for therapy and support? I wonder if you can do this until you find a better provider. Hang in there. This must be incredibly frustrating!

Going ~ That is an excellent idea !! I am on hold now with Medicare to see if they cover Day Hospital for functioning adults. I know none of the hospitals here in my area are taking Partial Hospitalization thru Medicare, so maybe if I approach things with the term "Day Hospital", that will open more doors. Thanks for the great suggestion, as this is what I need and have needed for awhile

Birdie

I would not be able to handle a therapist taking notes by hand/ via computer while I’m speaking. Firstly, it’s rude. Patients deserve their therapist’s full attention and that includes eye-to-eye contact. Secondly, if a therapist is incapable of remembering what I have to say then they are worthless to me. Thirdly, who in the hell asks a patient “why” they want to be depressed? I’m sorry, but this woman’s approach/ behavior raises a lot of red flags that shouldn’t be overlooked.
Best of luck.

Hello Finders ~ I concur with being asked if I liked being depressed and what would I feel if I were not depressed, being very inappropriate. I have no idea what point she was trying to make.


A thought just occurred to me... it verges along the line of "gas lighting" or "crazy making". My family used to gas light me while growing up and this comment makes me start to become aware this therapist may be a bully and out to cause harm to make that statement. She really is in a powerful position right now with me, but next time I visit with her, I will be ready and I'll have a list of questions to keep her busy answering. If she refuses to answer then that will be my last visit with her. I have never in all the years of my life been asked a question such as that. Sort of like "you grew up being told you had brown hair, yet you really had blond hair, now how would that make you feel?" My former spouse used to challenge my sense of perspective or perception of reality, being all wrong. I remember how that felt, and I felt that same sense of helplessness when she said that to me.


Yes, definitely red flags, lots of them. I will not be blindsided again by her.


Birdie

Be really careful she doesn't use prolonged exposure therapy on you if she is taking this stance, and has a military background.

Her first job is to create a safe space/ good alliance with you . Sorry, that sessions sounds awkward!

That would drive me crazy! It would not work for me at all.
and, i want her job. I want to get paid thousands to sit there all day and stare at a computer. 😜