Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Wow T. Today might have been the shitiest session ever. Stupid insurance. Stupid that hardly anyone takes it. How am I going to deal with seeing you every other week? I don't think you realize how hard this is going to be for me. I know I didn't have the words to tell you in session, and I'm sorry...but I can't even deal. Drowning my sorrows with alcohol tonight. You matter more than you probably know.

Hugs, Velcro, insurance changing coverage sucks...is your T able to give you any sort of reduced rate?

Yeah, she is giving me a reduced rate, but I can only afford it if we go every other week. I am devastated and there is nothing I can do about it.

T, less than 24hrs - dare i hope we have two good sessions in a row? we did agree we'd like a better ratio of good bits to rupturey bits this year so let's work on that.

i'm digging into some really rough stuff, the core stuff, pulling apart all the lies i was told, figuring out how to accept what really was as opposed to what i was led to/forced to believe. it's hard. it hurts. and it's what i need to be doing. and i still need you alongside me while i do it.

please continue to be there, to be safe, to be consistent. and i'll continue to talk, to dig, to question. and to connect 'cos our relationship is such an important part of this work.

Please, please, be willing to consider Skype therapy with me when I move. Please... Please.

I feel like I'm in the middle, doing deep work, and I'm so not ready to terminate.

@captgut please ask T for an extra session. It wasn't, and never EVER is your fault. My friend, please know that people care about you, and you do not deserve all this trauma.

Dear T,
I wasn't sure what I was looking for from that very brief email I sent you last night, but my reaction to your even briefer reply showed me what it was: validation for my feelings regarding what P said. And you gave that to me. So, thank you.
Love,
LT

Dear T,

I, um, lied. I have thought about you holding me when I cry but I was too ashamed to tell you that. I’m going to try to email you tonight to tell you that.

-c

PDOC, today you didn't make me feel welcome. I felt that I was just a number and that you didn't have time for me. However, your hug was as good and comforting as ever.

I found a short course in psychodynamic counselling I'd actually like to do at your old university in London.

Thank you for remembering today.

On second thoughts a £20 book of amazon might not be the same thing but atleast I can save £££.

Lol Kinda awkward finally asking for you a session for the third time and you offering one which doesn't go with my schedule.

EDIT: Hey 5pm session!

I'm back to my yes no thing.

I don't want the session I just made with you.

I am so thankful I allowed the two of you to talk back in the beginning. I was surprised yesterday when EMDR T told me that you told her in the beginning how you definitely played a mother figure role in my life. While I always thought of it as a caring older female relative (like an aunt) I always feared you didnt feel the same way. I know we had a unique relationship but was always afraid to say the important role you played in my life out of fear of rejection. To hear you knew and on some level felt the same way and you expressed that to somebody else really warned my heart. I am thankful it was not all in my head.

Course in true therapy fashion when I mentioned that you had never mentioned anything like that to me, EMDR T and I got into a discussion of what to tell and then why or why not.

Dear T,

Okay I was brave and emailed you and now I’m freaking out. I get why you won’t email me back but it’d be nice if you did that thing where you go “thanks for telling me let’s discuss further” or something just so I dunno I know you’re not totally repulsed by me or whatever.

I’m really freaking out here. I wish you would rescue me from it.

Aaaaaaaaaaaugh,
-c

Thank you very much for the extra session today even though I’ve been wanting to cut back on them overall.

Thank you for listening and validating me in telling me it wasn’t right for that person to have ever hit me.

Thank you for also helping with exploring my mixed feelings towards that person.

Thank you for validating my feelings about my former employer as well, and saying that you’ll go to bat for me no matter what.

Love,
Blueberry

I don't know why I agree to see a dermatologist. It's really triggering me right now to think about . This was not a good idea. I can't do this.

T: Still really upset. Ugh, it sucks so bad. I hate that I only get to see you every other week.

Cancelled the extra session I asked for.

It's just huge amounts of shame coming up for me and that don't deserve it.