Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I need to learn to reach out before I am in desperate need of support.

Dear Pastor T: I did the homework. I don't think I got much out of it, but maybe because I didn't meditate on it like you told me to. I really despise having to do homework. I think it's one thing to suggest I read a certain book but to insist upon it, IDK, I'm rebelling against that. I don't have the scripture memorized yet. I see you on Monday. UGH. I've been trying. I have the card written out on my bathroom mirror and another one at work and I've been reading it every day. But it's like the words aren't sticking. Not sure if I am looking forward to seeing you or not. Maybe you could go on vacation again. Although I do think you are having knee surgery next month, so maybe you will be out for a while then....Kit

Those feelings just now tasted a lot like peanut m&m's. I know I can't just turn them off like a wall switch. Need to just feel those ****ers huh.

Why the BLOODY HELL can't you ever just make me feel better you narcissistic ***

One more week now. I miss you terribly.

L,
I love you so so much! I'm sorry I cried today, but I'm also glad I felt safe enough to cry. What you wrote in my journal is so precious to me. I will always cherish it. Please don't leave me. I know this isn't your home and that you will leave one day, but please stay in my life. You mean so much to me. I never thought I'd find a woman like you, and now I have you and T. I'm am so blessed to have you and I don't take you for granted. Please know how much I love you even though I can't seem to put it into words. I love you, L!

L, I wish I had asked you to write something for me that I could keep. I miss you; I guess this is to be expected. You were such a big part of my life for a long time. But I have no regrets about leaving; I did what I had to do. I absolutely don't regret that last pathetically emotional email I wrote to you either, because I did send that, you called the next day and we scheduled that final session. Without that final session, I would have had no closure and would likely still be miserable now and would have had to find a new t right away to deal with that misery i'd felt after the disaster session. I'm still going to find a new t, but after I take some time off from therapy to pursue other avenues of self care. Missing you now is a thing, yes, but it's not overwhelming, I'm not crying over it, I'm living my life and doing my best to let myself feel it as it comes and ride it out. Today and tomorrow all day is the workshop so that's probably what spurred the missing you; cuz you told me about it in the first place and said that you've attended it in the past and know the facilitator. So it's a connection to you in a way. I'm nervous about going but excited at the same time. I wanted to go last year but I was too chicken to!!

Ouch. Really bad. Not good at all.

SOS.

I hope you know and you probably do that I am likely going to email you tomorrow evening after the workshop to share how it went, since you referred me and all. Hope that's ok... I should have asked...

My head hurts! I need a cold cloth!

You probably don't even care about my headache if this stupid board was your phone! I hate you! This migraine is probably because I let C have the session on Thursday and now I am all stressed out! It's your fault and you don't know or care!

I refuse to angry text you!

You'll just have to wait until your allotted time on Tuesday to hear from me!

If my head doesn't kill me! Then you would feel bad! I probably have an aneurysm!

L I am SO glad that you reminded me about this workshop happening again this year. Day 1 was awesome. Thank you for knowing me so well.

You didn’t answer my sad, pathetic, desperate text. I’m so sad. If you do answer, I put myself out there so much that I will be too scared to read your text back. But I don’t think you’re going to answer. I am so sad about it.

In my mind I hyperventilate when I think about going to see you, so maybe it would be easier to just not go. It feels like I’m suffocating and can’t get air. But part of me still wants to go. The usual dilemma, I guess.

Four more sleeps. I had the realisation, now I need your help to unpack it and make it safe.

Dear P,
I really hope you can do some stuff to help D on Tuesday. She's been kind of a mess this morning. And maybe you could teach me (and H, when he attends the following week) better ways to deal with her...
--LT

They still haven't released psychiatry exam dates. It most likely would be on the 8th of november though.

Classes finish at 2pm.Which means I obviously miss my session at 12.50am for the next two weeks.

So see you on the 12th.

Hurting, hurting, hurting. It hurts too much to care. It hurts too much to know it will never be anything more than what it is.

I started to write an email about the workshop but now I feel like it would be wrong to send it. So I guess I won't. Damn stupid good little girl complex anyway...

I emailed you that I’m yearning desperately for a hug and you ignored it but responded to other things I said. Um....????

And you didn’t apologize for not responding for the longest time after I had been so vulnerable.

I’m hurting...

'This is the season of your awkward harvesting
When the pain takes you where you would rather not go...'

John O'Donohue was very wise, and very open to the way of things.

For Someone Awakening to the Trauma of His or Her Past

I love this poem.

When we’re working through a rupture that originated with your countertransference, I feel like you should pick up half the tab because it seems like a couple’s session.

I kind of wish I didn't exist right now. I feel pretty worthless and incapable and ashamed of my incompetence. I want to text you, but I shouldn't, so I'm trying not to.

Hate myself.