Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I bypassed good little girl and sent it, as you now know. Thanks for your response, especially because it was more than just a couple words. I will leave you alone now, the workshop just felt like a little piece of unfinished business between us I guess, and now that I've told you how it went and you've responded to that I can continue moving forward. But you'll be in my heart forever.
Eta I wisely left that last part out of my email...

24 hours and then i can stop worrying that you’ll cancel tomorrow night’s session.

Dear T,
As I left session today, I thought, “I love you, Sweetie.” I’m not sure what’s up with the “Sweetie” part, as I don’t call people that, and you don’t strike me as a “Sweetie.” I think it was tied into your putting yourself into the discussion a bit about D today. How you identified with me and validated me. I felt connected. Thanks for that. Still wish you could be sitting there when I have that list of discussions with H, but I’ll do my best to hold your words and thoughts with me. And thanks for saying “Take good care.”
Love,
LT

Dear T,

You seriously messed with my head at my last appointment (in a good way) and I just don't even know what to do with all of it. I am glad I have a week to process it all. :P Thank you for validating my feelings and showing that you care.

I'm not getting you a Christmas gift this year, wonder what you would think after two straight years though.

hey T-i’m nervous for tonight. i’m nervous you are going to tell me something terrible about your H and you won’t be able to work. Selfish, i know. i also worry about you, but i try to put that in the back of my mind until i actually see you later.

I have been dreaming about you. Your fragility, your age, your vulnerability. I need you to help me make sense of it.

This is hard!!

Everything is too real and I’m feeling it.

I wish tonight was tomorrow night.

Nobody cares or wants to hear me.

I’m sorry if I got you, your husband, your 3 year old, and your 7 month old sick when I randomly got a cold in your office yesterday and was using your Kleenex and blowing my nose and touching the armrests to my chair.

Dumb realization: I don't feel like you're giving me extra care so i'm going to stop giving you extra other than your usual fee.

Dear P,
Think that went fairly well today? Curious as to how things will be when you talk to both me and H last weekend. Of course you don't know the whole history with he and I and marriage counseling...and that's not what we're focusing on now, as this is all about D. But it's going to be in the back of my mind, I imagine.
--LT

Phew, T. I'm so sad your H has gone through so much S H I T over the past month or so, but to know that he'll hopefully be okay is a burden lifted off my mind. And I can't believe you didn't forget what we talked about two weeks ago! I had hoped you would

Dear No. 3,

(Because Info and I are on the outs.)

I could use some therapeutic support. Like “I’m sorry to hear about your mother,” which Info absolutely did not say. I am pretty sure based on how you reacted to some crises I had that you would have. The dietitian said it when I explained why I needed to reschedule the next appointment.

I’m getting depressed off and on about my mother. Sure, she will be fine. She won’t die, not from this. But the writing is on the wall, and no one much seems to care.

ATAT

I'm still looking for a new T, and I wish I could tell you that I'm starting to feel worse again (except you're not my T right now, you're overseas). It really sucks.

T, you gave her such a steep discount but not me? It's the principle of the thing, I asked before I knew, and you said you would if you owned the clinic, but it wasn't up to you. So I thought it's beyond your control, only to hear you offered that to her?

Hugs if wanted. It's such a painful feeling to feel like T is just giving the minimum care "required" from their fee.

I just wanted to say that we care. and I'm sorry you're mother is not well.

Will you be disapproving if I come tomorrow instead of C?

Also, thank you for that thing.

I never know if maybe I'm just expecting too much.

Sorry for the grammar error above. I do honestly know the difference, it just doesn't come out right!

It’s much easier to talk about needs when we use the code word “cake.”

Did you feel connected today? I did.

Just lied to you via text, not actually ok with this development at all, but also do not want to talk about it. I knew it was coming, so I will deal.

Might be a better question for the couch, then!