Couch 207: The spiced gingerbread couch

Guess I’m going to bed. It’s 8:40. I plan to take Unisome at 9 so that I’m sleeping by 10 and up by 6 because work starts at 8.

I’m taking the kids on a big outing tomorrow where I’ll be gone with them for most of the day. Sleep needs to come tonight. I’ll need all my energy for tomorrow. I’ve been falling asleep but waking around 3-4am the past few nights.

Good luck tomorrow, Jersey!

I sort of did the homework for Pastor T tomorrow. I read the chapter and I asked his wife to be my accountability partner. I was really nervous talking to her about it because I don't talk much about my SH in real life. She was like stop shaking. It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. She agreed I could call her or text her and she would pray for me. She said but you have to contact me. It won't work if you don't contact me. So I said okay. I didn't really do the visualization or the memorization, but I figure I did well enough doing those two things. It was really scary and hard for me to talk to Pastor T's wife. I was shaking for like half an hour afterward. I really had to calm myself down and keep telling myself I was okay. It was really hard. I kind of can't imagine what I'm supposed to say on a text to her, like I want to cut, or something. IDK. I'm still scared.

Trouble should have been named Houdini! He slipped his leash, and he slipped through the access hatch of my crawlspace like he was greased.

They are gone now and I'm browsing Zillow for a nice secluded cave to resume my hermit lifestyle. Meanwhile tomorrow is coming so I better get some sleep.

Have a good evening couch!

I had a dog once who was like houdini when she was leashed. It was terrible. I had to use both a harness and a greyhound slip collar to keep her mostly safe and wrangled

Im not making a flowchart for you too.

I think keeping in motion is all that's keeping me together. If I rest, I might just melt into a completely useless puddle of goo.

I sat down with the boys and we talked about divvying up the household tasks so that all of the extra work doesn't fall on any one person. (Meaning me, but it sounds better when it's in terms that are fair for everyone.) They are in the kitchen right now making dinner while I write my paper, which is totally what I am doing right now, and they have promised to play a board game with me after.

Thanks for the reminder, sweets. I do need that once in a while.

See, I think that too, and then I just become an overextended puddle of goo.

SK - I would just text something simple: I want to cut, I'm struggling, are you there, etc. You could even come up with a code word if that would be easier.

Omg! Super cute! Llamacorn!

Llamas are a inside joke in our family. This year I'm buying everyone something llama. But I never saw a llamcorn!

I hate November and the rest of the holiday season. Going through my calendar for thos month and T will be gone for the week of Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving isn't going to be the same without seeing either one of them this year. That's the last time we all saw her and the last time I saw him other than at his court date. Still so surreal looking back at pictures from last year seeing both of them together.

Three more sleeps until Thursday. I feel exhausted.

Can you get to bed a bit earlier today?

Inorder to keep running you have to become goo sometimes.

I'm going to have to @Lemoncake - got a flu jab/shot tomorrow. Busy day thereafter too...fun, fun, fun.

I’m exhausted today.

Dark nights of the soul take a lot out of a person.

Hi Everyone. Work started out stressful today and now it is sort of stressful and sort of boring at the same time. Random, I know. I'm having trouble feeling settled inside of myself. I'm anxious. I'm all over the place in my head. I feel weird. I can't really describe it. But I just don't feel secure. I am really wanting to SH. But I would have to contact the Pastor's wife. And I don't want to do that the very next day after I asked her if it was okay. I feel like just SH-ing and not saying anything about it tonight at Pastor T's. But I know that's not the *right* thing to do. I'm kind of spiraling. I know it. I just can't seem to halt it. I'm stressed about my appointment tonight with Pastor T. I don't know how it is going to go. I've never had to tell him that I SH-ed during the week so I don't know how he is going to take it. I really wanted to call in today and just stay home and have a mental health day. I'm glad I didn't because there were some payroll issues that came up over the weekend and I'm the one that has to deal with those. But I still kind of wish I were at home. I want some attention from the controller. Some days we have really good rapport and we talk a lot via skype and email and other days it is radio silence. I'm used to having a fairly receptive boss so it's kind of strange. I appreciate that she has a lot of work to do and can't always give me attention that I want. I don't even know why I want the attention from her. I think it's some sort of weird transference thing. It's like when she is silent I don't know if she is unhappy with me and I can't just read her body language because she works in NY and I work in CA. I think this is some of what regular T was talking to me about on Wednesday. How I adjust how I am feeling based on how other people are feeling. So it causes me anxiety when I don't know how the controller is feeling. My arm hurts from the SH I did Saturday and Sunday. Still want to do more though. I feel pathetic. HUGS to anyone who wants one! Kit

There is no right way only what's best for you. My opinion only, but I feel like you've been pushed into having an SH accountability partner but it's causing you more stress than before. You don't have to tell either of them anything you're not ready to do so.

Try to let the controller be, harder I know then it sounds. If she's upset it's not your responsibility to be there for her. If she has an issue to discuss about work she'll get to you.

Did T confirm timings for your call tomorrow?

Are you at home or work now?

I hope you can get the rest you need.

I hate when my kids are sick. My younger 2 both have a cold, but it's making my youngest super miserable...and my 4 year old is so whiny.

I wish I could have a do over if my session with T today. I wasn't present at all and just felt like I wasted 45 minutes blabbing. I'm glad I see him tomorrow but still.

Sorry your kids are sick. My D gets really upset if her nose is stuffy, like will yell for help. And I feel you on the T thing. There was a lot of stuff that was addressed in today’s session, so it was productive, but it seemed to go by quickly. And that was with us talking till nearly 55 minutes. I’m glad I see him twice a week. I feel it would be tough to go back to once a week now, though I should eventually... I’m glad you see your T tomorrow.

Still at work, going home soon.

We’re going to talk on the phone tomorrow afternoon on his drive home from work.

Hi Couchies, anyone up for pocket riding with me to Pastor T appointment tonight? It's in 3 hours. I'm pretty anxious about it.....thanks Kit

I’m in, Kit