Repulsed by my T?

I've been with my psychodynamic T for coming up on 2 years. I initially started seeing him for stress and anxiety. Eventually revelations of old traumas started escaping into the conversation and well, things got intense. And it's never really moved past that foundation of intensity.

This is not my first T. I've seen 5 therapists previously as a child/adolescent/young adult. Mostly my therapy experiences have been negative. (Compelled to go by authority figures in my life, or as a young adult, finding this T or that T to be a poor match.) I've seen only women Ts in the past with one exception of an older male T. I figured this time I'd try a different male T, some unknowable, vague number of years older than me. (Maybe 15+ years older than me? I don't really look at him so ??)

I thought this T was a "good" match. I appreciated that he stayed neutral, rarely self-disclosed. I liked his office. And never forced the issue of eye contact, which I'm unable to do.

It's been uncomfortable and extremely difficult, but I accepted that as part of the process.

It's my feelings about my therapist which have come to be most confusing. (Though as I have come to understand, it's usually all about the feelings, right?) In theory, I think of him as this warm, neutral, kind person. Which factually adds up to how he presents in session. On paper, he's who I'd choose as a good therapist.

But any time I am encountered with my T as a "human being" (those moments when I accidentally look at him, in the rare case he self-discloses a meaningless fact or experience about his life, etc.) I feel utterly, violently repulsed by him. Even to the point of feeling physically ill. There's even maybe a component of shame?

It got so bad last week that I said I just need to stop T for right now and I didn't know when I'd be ready to begin again, or if I'd be ready. Even his response to that was perfectly great. ("You're always welcome back, etc.) I've had mixed feelings about stopping over the last few days, until today when I was scrolling for a potential new T and came across his profile. The feeling of repulsion returned.

This feels so...strange? Because factually I experience him as a nice person. But on some other level I think "No."

Has anyone else experienced this? Could this be an experience of a poor therapeutic match? Would it make sense to try and find a new T? I feel so conflicted about ever going back.

I haven't talked to him about it, mostly because I am only just now able to articulate what I've been feeling over the last 2 years. Part of me also wonders if he's a poor therapist who hasn't picked up on this over such a long period of time. Which in turn makes me angry for potentially wasting my time.

If you've made it through my ramble, a sincere thank you is in order. Any feedback is welcome.

I think if you are repulsed for whatever reason, listen to your instincts, and look for another T. Hugs. Kit

It seems like these feelings don't have much to do with anything specific your T says or does—I mean, he's not actually doing or saying anything awful, he's not disgusting in any concrete way, from what you've written here. So this makes me wonder if your feelings are related to the trauma etc. that you mentioned. Like maybe the repulsion and shame have more to do with the trauma, and that gets projected onto your T in some way because he knows about it? Just a thought.

I had that kind of reaction when my T talked about his granddaughter. It was uncomfortable but after we worked through the worst of it there has been major growth in our relationship and my ability to work with him.

I wonder if maybe your T reminds you of someone who has hurt you in the past. Just a thought.

I don't think you can know that he hasn't picked up that something is off (though he may not identify your feelings so specifically as to say you feel repulsed) just because he hasn't mentioned it. I get the impression that most therapists won't bring that sort of suspicion up but wait for the client to make a disclosure. Otherwise, it could come off as confrontational or, if they are wrong, cause unnecessary damage.

Thank you all for your feedback and replies. They all give me a lot to think about. I have thought through my “traumas” and my T is actually completely unlike anyone who has harmed me in the past. In just about every way imaginable That is part of the reason I selected him as a T.

But you all have given me a lot of other things to consider, so I guess I will do some thinking before I decide to return or not.

Many thanks!

Maybe you're projecting your own feelings of repulsion towards yourself (as a result of the abuse) outward onto your t?

Is it possible you're having trouble feeling accepted by him? Like you don't think you deserve someone to be nice to you and accept you as you are? And you can handle that when he's a faceless T, but less so when he seems more "human"?


Also, someone asked if he reminds you of anyone. It may not be that he looks or sounds or acts like anyone from your past or present. There could just be something about his being a male authority figure, for example. Or just "male who is older than you." (I have some male authority figure issues, so it came to mind.)

Yes I have! When I first started seeing my current therapist I experienced him as physically repulsive. I described it at the time as the opposite of erotic transference. I will have to see if I can dig up my old thread on this.

I think it a normal transference and it may pass as you work through whatever was triggering it. Mine did and I have pretty much the opposite of those feelings towards him now.

So long as he doing nothing unethical to prompt it, I would just notice the feeling, not judge it. If you can talk about it do, but I understand why that might feel uncomfortable. Don't worry about it, it might have some meaning for you that might be useful when it emerges. In the meantime just let it be.

*goes off to look for my old thread*

ETA: Found the thread: https://psychcentralforums.com/psych...ml#post4451983

My first thought was also that perhaps the repulsion is for the traumas you are sharing with the T, not the T himself. And/or the shame associated with it.

I experienced strong repulsion for a T but it was definitely about him - he was just a manipulative and sloppy T who projected his own things onto me massively, it really irritated and angered me. I stopped seeing him when that became intense but the repulsion lasted much longer, even just at thoughts of him or seeing something he posted online. My other T had the complete opposite effect and I usually looked forward to the sessions because of that, it was just pleasant to talk with him or even just look at him. I personally would not see a T long-term whose presence felt unpleasant to me even if they didn't actually do anything wrong. I wouldn't be motivated and comfortable sharing my personal life with such a person.