Couch 209: The Kummer Couch

On the herbal supplements - kava did nothing for me. It generally takes two weeks or so for valerian to kick in for me (and I usually don't make it because of the one side effect it has on me). Magnesium L and Htp5 are still unclear as to whether they help me or not.

I don't understand why a religious figure is being employed/consulted as a therapist. I wouldn't see my hairdresser to freeze my verrucas.

About the Pastor T thing....because I am still currently suicidal, I think he could break confidentiality and tell my parents. If I'm honest with him about my current thoughts. And if I'm not honest then I'm wasting my time right?

5HTP didn’t do anything for me. I bought some back in early October and after taking 200mgs a day consistently it just didn’t help. I’m trying more Valerian Root today and I didn’t drink any caffeine. My appetite is also non existent but I may have just killed my taste buds because I’m vaping more than the norm. I also switched to non nicotine ejuices so I’m just vaping flavors now just Incase the nicotine could have been causing me more anxiety.

I have a friend who told me she has Klonopin left from When she used to take it, but I don’t feel right taking them from her. Her dose is the same as mine was when I was on them before but it just feels all wrong to take her bottle.

Do you think it's helping you to see him? You seem to have spiraled badly since you started seeing him.

But it doesn’t seem like he’s all that useful. Like NP said..it seems
To be getting worse since he came into the picture. I mean if he’s helping you then great, but that’s not what it looks like here.

I’ve thought the same...

LT point taken about not being too open with too many people about my attempt. I actually wrote former T an email about that which she has not responded to yet but hopefully she will. I certainly haven't told everyone in my social group. I didn't tell my work about my attempt just that my depression is really serious right now. I've tried to tell people who I thought would support me. As I felt/feel very vulnerable right now. Also for the past year and a half I've been pushing myself to be more open with people. And Pastor T is reinforcing that, to be connected to people. But today I'm having to endure a talk with the friend that I asked to hold the meds. And the only reason I asked her to do that is because my T made me give them to someone. And wouldn't let me leave her office until I said who I would give them to. The only thing that's done is make me look for more lethal methods, but I'm not saying that to anyone, because after the talk with my parents last night and the talk with this friend today, I'm done talking. Except I guess I have to tell Pastor T tomorrow. Oh s----.

I dont know. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and I still spiraled. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm out of options. And the fact that I feel that way makes me feel like I'm going to end up at the hospital soon. I just have to keep surviving somehow.

Given the feelings Pastor T has stirred up in you about religion and sh, I don’t think you have to have seen him recently for his influence to cause you to spiral.

Whose idea was Pastor T, btw? Yours? Your parents’? And why did it have to be him specifically and not another therapist who does what he does? Why a therapist who would have two dual relationships from the word go—one with you as a parishioner and a second with your parents as parishioners? And then add a third with his wife as an accountability partner?

I very definitely would not tell him anything, past or current, until I saw signs he was actually helping me.

When I first started seeing EMDR she took a 3 week break and I spiraled while she was gone. Talking to her had stirred up some terrible feelings. The difference is she is more than competent to deal with the big emotions that happened and helped me a lot.

Your pastor T does not appear to be helping at all. Things are escalating and you deserve better.

Hah my "secret" is that for the last 2-3 weeks I've done practically nothing after work and on weekends but watch reruns of the Gilmore Girls and eventually that got really really boring so I had to find *something* else to do. Like, even relaxation lost its savor, if that makes any sense.

Depressing, but true.

Thanks @@, you gave me some stuff to think about. It was actually Pastor T that approached me about treatment after I had requested prayer through the Church's system for doing that. Initially it was supposed to be two sessions. Now I guess its ongoing. I'm not even sure how that happened. He just started assigning homework and stuff and like see you next week. With as unstable as I am right now, I dont feel like I can say no to help that's being offered. I dont know. I really dont know what to do.

On a positive note, I got my Christmas presents wrapped this afternoon/evening. I didn't wrap like 12 of my coworkers presents bc I just got them chocolate. Then for the girls at work and the big bosses I put their gifts in gift bags. So all the wrapping I did was for my parents, my sister, her kids, her husband, and friends of mine. Now I just need to wrap stocking stuffers. Just went out and bought six more toys for the toy drive at Church bc the Pastor said we are only halfway to our goal. I'm about out of money though, so if he says that next week, I'm not sure I can do more. But at least six more is six more.

I got almost all the things I had to get, have one more paycheck before Christmas, will finish then. I have only wrapped a few, though. The girls and I went out shopping today and sat in a big circle tonight wrapping stuff. It's not a horrible tradition, spending time together doing something we all hate.

I have tweaked my knee again somehow, that'll be extra fun on the stairs at work this week. Here's hoping I don't have to take it to the orthopedic's office, I don't have time or money for another surgery.

Hugs and head-nods for you all. Have a good night!

Good night @StressedMess. Sleep good!

The boys are putting together the new tree stand. They are razzing each other, and me. I am razzing back. We are all laughing together, and it is delightful. We had a tree adventure today, pretty much the same thing. We didn't have any clue how to tether the tree to the top of my car, but we all did it anyway, and it stayed on, and we h

Here's what just struck me: I stopped doing that. "You're always (yelling/nagging/being rude/being mean) to everyone all the time," got so stuck in my head that I couldn't enjoy even this kind of silly "Rotten kids, I shoulda gotta goldfish" banter because I never knew when it might come back and get thrown in my face.

I can breathe. I can joke with my kids. (Also, totally glad I didn't get a boring goldfish.)

It's almost 2am and I am still wide awake.

I had to laugh - we've had a number of incidents of patients being violent at work. There are only 2 female security guards in our hospital and the two of us have been kicking butt and the guys are acting all afraid while we're getting stuff done. There is one guy at work who is pretty young that I cannot stand I am not going to interact with him anymore. I'll let my boss know tomorrow.

We went away for 4 days got a pet sitter the cats are acting like we left them stranded and destitute and have been very vocal and extremely clingy. But they get go on adventures and still expect dinner to be served.

Went to a really lovely work party last night—amazing catered food at one of the attending’s houses, and we all sang carols together!

Only trouble is that I woke up at 2am and can’t seem to get back to sleep. Fortunately I’m on vacation this week so I can just take a bath and enjoy the quiet instead of being terrified of how exhausted I’m going to be tomorrow.

Nothing like 'trying something new' when it comes to yoga. I got halfway through, and then various limbs just said 'Nope.'

Back to my normal practice, I think.

I woke up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleepS give me strength to get through this day. At least it’s my short one-only 8.5 hours today.

Oh man, Couch. The tree is horribly tilted. It makes me laugh and cringe when I walk into the room.

That's probably a good thing, that the tree makes me laugh. It'll be an imperfect Christmas: The Year the Tree Was Crooked.

It'll look better once the lights and decorations are on, right?

Right, WFS. I'm glad it makes you laugh for now, though.

Worked OK for Charlie Brown!