Couch 209: The Kummer Couch

My dad's dog took down the stockings, and tried to eat three presents One was okay, another needs rewrapping, and the other was chocolates so I gave them to my dad. Guess my mom's not getting chocolate this year.

Everyone ready for my annual rant about pavlovas?

My appointment with Pastor T went better than expected. He helped me set up a safety plan. He helped me set this up. 1st find out what psych hospitals take my insurance ahead of time so I'm not trying to do it in a crisis. Then set up with three friends ahead of time so they arent scared or freaked out when I need them. But if I have suicidal thoughts for three days call regular T and call these three friends. Have one friend contact me in the AM, one in the afternoon, and one at night. And do that for 3 days. If I'm not better then it's time to go to the hospital. I get suicidal thoughts a lot so it's hard to know when it's a crisis.
But, the bad part is, he says he thinks I'm beyond my training and stuff. Because of my hallucinations and stuff. He said most of the people he sees have like relationship stuff and things like that. But I seem to spiral out of nowhere. Which regular T says too. Regular T says I'm fine until I'm not fine and then I'm really not okay but there doesnt seem to be discernable triggers as to why I start feeling bad.
We talked some about taking suicide off the table. If I can make a promise to God to never sui. But I said I didn't see how I could promise that. We kind of talked about SH but he was struggling a bit bc of the pain meds he is on. He said let's set that aside for now. But he wanted me to think about going a year without SH. But I said SH helps with the sui thoughts. So he says he needs to think about that.
He told me to write a list about why I want to live or reasons to live or something.
He said to keep working on my memory verse but that I was doing a good job. And he said work on setting up the safety plan but he knows it will be a bit of a process. And then he confirmed for next week. I was scared he was going to terminate me since he said I was past his training but he didn't. Maybe I need to think about this. But he was comforting at least. I told him he didn't have to worry about me tonight. And he prayed for me and that was that. Thanks for all the good thoughts couchies. Hugs Kit

Couch...

I know I'm not on here much... I try to read and leave hugs and thanks but I'm hardly around contributing.

I'm panicking now. A month ago or so, T encouraged me to write to the Psychologist Society in my country about therapist harm, including my own experience. She was part of the team which worked on updating the ethics code

She said to be specific, name the clinicians. I compiled some cases, of course with no identifiable client information, and sent it in. I forgot about it, figured nothing could be done.

They just replied last night. They just got back to me, they're asking if I want to make a formal complaint about the psychologists registered with the Society. If I do, I need to provide my national id number, they want exact dates and timelines, and I think they'll check with the psychologist.

I'm freaking out and I regret submitting anything. I see T on Friday, almost a week away but I need pocket riders. I keep thinking I'm making a fuss out of nothing, it'll be his word against me because he's got 25 years of experience and I'm just a patient with a personality disorder and complex trauma.

Kit --

I know you said you haven't been able to identify what if anything triggers you. Have you tried mapping your symptoms? Like a timeline of what thought, feeling, or action leads up to a crisis. Sometimes it can progress slowly. Sometimes it might go from 0-60 in no time. L had me plot my symptoms and it's helped me recognize when I'm in a crisis and at what poi t I'm at. Then I can do something about it if I recognize it soon enough.

This is so random, but does anyone else not really know what color their eyes are??

I'm in, QM

I'm in QM.

Hi @ScarletPimpernel yes, I'm on meds. ADs and APs ADHD meds and anti anxiety meds. No, I dont know if they are working. I've been on so many meds and med combos. My Pdoc says its treatment resistant. But we just keep tweaking things to try to make it work. I'm seriously considering something different like neurostar or something if my insurance will cover it because I've been suffering since I was nine, medicated since I was 18. I haven't tried the mapping thing. I will ask regular T about it. Thanks!! Hugs Kit

Treatment resistant isn’t a permanent condition. It’s a clinical term for two different medications have been tried and neither has worked. I had treatment resistant depression at first until the fourth or fifth medication finally helped.

In other words you and your psychiatrist should keep trying. Have you had the gene test thing? It helped me.

I would just get a notebook and start mapping. Check in with yourself regularly and see how you’re feeling, kind of like you post on here throughout the day and tell us how you’re doing.

I like the diary card aspect of DBT for this, although my DBT T uses a much-abbreviated version of the diary card. It's a good way to check in with the intensity of various emotions and see how they relate to my urge and participation in my maladaptive coping strategies of choice (SH, suicidal thoughts, drinking, etc).

I'll pocket ride, QM.

Mine are dark brown, so fairly hard to mistake. Do you have light-colored eyes, by any chance? A former friend had eyes that were blue sometimes and green others, so it was hard to say what color eyes she really had. Also, for a long time I thought my T had green eyes, then realized that they're actually blue. And my daughter (and mother) have hazel eyes, where part is brown, part is green. But I think there's also a hazel eye type where it sometimes looks green, sometimes brown. So maybe one of those applies?

Yes. I've picked a color that I think they are closest to, but it's subjective. They are on the blue-green continuum and I personally think they are more green than blue, so that's what I go with. But in certain light, or if I've been crying, they look more blue, so who really knows. I also have a thing (called sectoral heterochromia) where I have a big splotch in one eye that's brown. Here, I took a picture once.

Mine are hazel which means that much depends on what I am wearing and the lighting; sometimes they appear quite green and others more on the green-brown mixed side. Hazel eyes are a bit ambiguous. My hazel leans toward the green end of the hazel spectrum.

I know what color mine are but I have no idea what anyone else's are.

I am tired today. I only slept about 3.5 hours last night. I was worried and upset about a coworker of mine, because she is upset (not with me) and she didn't feel like she had a manager to go to with her work issue. We are used to a vertical organization but now that we are bought out the organizational structure is more of a matrix and no one knows who they report to. I texted with her a bit after work. Then around 9 PM something I Skyped the owner (who lives in NY) so it was like midnight there. Of course she was probably sleeping but that's okay. So then at 2 AM my time she is Skyping me, so I start to Skype back. She is like Kit, you need to be sleeping!!!! I'm like, I know but I'm upset and worried and I can't sleep when I am upset and worried. She was like, "try!" So at 3:30 AM my time I was like, "Well, I'm not sleeping so Good morning!" So we skyped a little more. Then I came into work early today and I talked a little to the employee who doesn't want to tell me what is going on, which is totally okay but I heard some stuff through a third party about what had happened. So I offered to let her use my office if she wanted to talk or Skype the owner, and I offered her the owner's cell phone number if she wanted to talk to her not at her work station but in a private location. I hope it helped. But *I* need to learn to not let other people's stuff affect me. Particularly when it has nothing to do with me, and I can't do anything about it. I mean, I did what I could by providing her an alternative person to talk to, but I need to stop losing sleep over stuff like this. It affects me. And it's probably not great for my depression!

@NP_Complete you have a pretty eye! Ok now you’ve inspired me and I spent the last 20 minutes cropping random photos to just my eye.. but I went a little too far and made a collage because the color isn’t quite the same in any of them
@LonesomeTonight yeah my eyes are kind of lighter. My parents always called them hazel, but I’m not sure if they are. My first drivers license said hazel, but now I think it says blue, which doesn’t seem fully accurate either. They seem to shift from green-blue depending on what I’m wearing and the lighting.

My eyes are blue.

Pretty eyes, Summer! They look blue to me, but of course it could be the color settings on my laptop.

My eyes are brown. No mistake. Very brown.

Same here!

This ski town is really dead—I’m eating by myself at a restaurant with only four other customers in it. Good news is that I had the jacuzzi, steam room, and sauna to myself at the AirBnB condo facility.

My eyes are the green and rust hazel. Oldest daughter has green and blue hazel. My youngest daughter has very dark brown eyes. Ya'll both have beautiful eyes!

I hope you have a great time! No crowd makes it right up my alley.